Disbelief

Has anyone else had the feeling of “were they really ever here”? Esther Rantzen touched on this in the grief programme but I’ve started feeling it too…obviously I know my Mum WAS here but it feels so long since I could touch her and talk to her it’s started to feel unreal that I ever could. The void is so huge.

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Hi,

I lost my dad when I was 7. I didn’t believe my mum when she told me. She refused to let me go to the funeral, although I wanted to. I adored my father, but a few months after he died, my mother became a totally different person to the one I had known.

Yes, the void is huge. I don’t know what age you are, but it is a sad fact of life that parents tend to die when their children are still alive. I managed to get over it.

I hope you will too.

Christie xxx

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Dear NJL,

I am so sorry for what you are going through but our loved ones are always here with us and always will be.

When my husband of 47 years died six years ago, I was terrified of him being forgotten and going into the past as the years went by, but he hasn’t, he is always with me, I am always thinking about him, always looking at his photo and playing our songs, our family keep him alive in our hearts and minds by always talking about him, even though he died over 6 years ago it still feels as though he was here yesterday.

Talk about your mum, what were some of the things she did that drove you mad, what were some of the things that made you love her, she was here, she loved you and you loved her, you can carry on her memory by never forgetting her and she will then always be with you in your heart and mind. There are so many memories you made with her and they will never fade, just be thankful you were given a lovely mum who loved you and made so many memories with you, you will never. ever forget her.

Sheila (Lonely)

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Hi,

I watched this programme and felt it was very good.

I thought I was the only one that have had thoughts of “Did he exist?” “Did I make him up?” “Was he just a dream?”

It felt very good for me to hear that Esther had these thought herself as i hadn’t told anyone in case they thought I was potty!

Maybe these thoughts come because we can’t get to them? We don’t know where they are? It’s out of our control?

Also that for other people our loved one often goes into there past so there not top of the conversation anymore, they didn’t have the relationship with them that we did.

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Hi Sheila, thank you so much for those lovely words, that’s good advice, thank you. Xx

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Hi @Flower_garden

I think you’re entirely right. It’s a strange feeling and I haven’t said it to anyone other than here as it’s difficult to explain isn’t it xx

Yes I know how you feel and I find myself thinking along the same lines too. It’s been 2 months for me yet may as well be 2 years as it just seems so long since I last heard her voice her laugh or saw her smile. It’s a kind of surreal experience I suppose and might be one we have to help protect ourselves from the pain do you think? I’m reading lots of books on what happens upon death and were we go which kind of helps me in thinking they are still around us whenever we need them to be. I’m grateful she never had to go through the grief of losing her child and that it is this way around i.e. the natural order of things but it’s still hard very very hard. Try to be kind to yourself nurture yourself as much as possible. Keeping their memory alive is important so keep talking to them and have some things around you of theirs so they are still included in your life. Remember our brains try to protect us from severe mental pain. Big hugs and lots of compassion for you right now. RedPoppy

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Yes - I have felt this sureal questioning whether loosing 3 very special people in my life acyually happened.
My baby boy stillborn 1994.
I remember feeling so frustrated as to where he was and was it all a dream I actually felt I was climbing the walls in my bedroom looking for him…
Dear dad died 2011. Felt the surealness of wondering if again it was all a dream but had mum to reassure me he was very real…
Dear mum 2020. I do feel my mum all around me but again was this just an imagined part of my life…
I do think having experienced these very difficult losses it’s just our brains protcting us in the early days. As time goes on I personally feel they step back into my life and become more real…
Take care everyone Xx

@redpoppy thank you. I completely agree. I am also reading lots about what happens and I do believe very strongly that my Mum is around me. I like to think that my numb and disbelieving days are her way of caring for me by giving me some strength.

It’s 11 weeks today for me but it feels like years since I heard her laugh or gave her a cuddle or even held her hand.

Sending hugs to you x

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