I see noone on a daily basis. Mum couldnt be left as prone to falling and i rarely went out only to buy food /prescriptions. My friends tend to only text as busy with own lives. It is no doubt partly my fault as im staying in bed most of the time. My thoughts were to do vol work but the few times ive been out have me extremely distressed and crawling back into bed so how could i even try. I honestly wish someone would just knock me out every day til time passes.
If I was you I would start very gently by getting yourself out for a walk every day.
Maybe 15 or 20 minutes. To the supermarket to buy a few bits of for a walk around the block. When this goes well, go out for a bit longer until you are more confident and can then start thinking about some work whether paid or voluntary
When my mum died, I was fortunate in that I had a 12 year old to look after, to get to school and to buy food for otherwise I would have ended up doing what you are doing.
After she was at school I would go for a walk every day. They got easier until I was able to do more and then 4 months down the lone, resume work 8 hours a week. After that I was back at work full time by mid december.
I’m amazed at how I have got to where I am. I still cant socialise, meet with friends etc and work overwhelms me more than it used to but I am back to about 90 percent capacity.
You have to try otherwise deep depression will take over.
Dear Pam, Cheryl gives good advice. A walk is an excellent idea. Exercise and fresh air can be a real tonic, releasing those endorphins to help you feel a little better. This could be the first step towards the voluntary work you mention. Do it Pam. Do it for you. Do it for your mum. Much love and strength.
Good morning Pam2,
I was a carer for Mum too. I also spent most days and nights indoors with Mum. I think one gets used to staying in doors a lot. Former carers face quite an abrupt change to lifestyle. We are so used to putting our loved one first, our world can centre around them.
Good suggestion from everybody re get out for a walk most days. Tell yourself it will be 10 mins to get yourself out of the door, but do longer. If you’ve got a garden set yourself a target of 10 minutes, but try and do longer.
I understand avoiding friends, as I’m doing that too at present. Try and attempt a meet up if you are alone all the time. If you can face it.
Try and do what you enjoy. Put on a favourite film. Go swimming if you love it. Just ideas.
I don’t know where you are, rural or in a town, but it you are rural you could try a walking club. A quick walk and a brief chat.
The problem with staying in bed for longer periods is that in the long run it makes you more tired and depressed. (These are not my words, but the words my GP said to my Mum a long time ago.)
Life will eventually improve. Take care x
Youre all very kind but i just tried going out and its no use. Maybe some just cant get over it. But thank you all for trying to help x
I’m not saying it’s easy. I used to wear sunglasses to hide my tears and I just wanted to curl up and die. But one day will feel a bit better, then another day will feel better still. None of us get over it. You just have to learn to live alongside your grief.
Hi Pam, there’s an awful lot going on in your head right now. Taking time out is essential and if that means you haven’t been able to cross your door today, well that’s ok…it’s Pam’s defence system saying I’m just not ready yet. Whatever you do today is an achievement…getting through today, is the biggest one. You’re not meant to be ready for anything…you will find your own path. Tuck your Mam’s love into your heart and keep it there. It will help you become a little stronger day by day. I retired early to become a carer too, until my husband needed specialist care. Having lost both parents within three years, I lost my job, then my husband and subsequently my purpose in life. I have my life now, it develops each day, work in progress. I still receive therapy, every few months now.
Keep on posting to let us know how you are doing and if there’s anything we may be able to offer advice on. Thinking of you Pam, xx
Hi Pam, how my heart goes out to you. You have been offered sound and good advice on the forum and there’s not much I can add. Please do try to make that first move. Staying in bed is really the worst thing you could do. Your health and strength will suffer and will make you feel even worse.
I was fortunate to have two dogs that did not intend me to stay in bed although I must admit the temptation was always there. My husband and I was also keen Ramblers so between my love of my dogs and the walking I was able to get out of the house. How pleased I am that I made that effort, and an effort it was at first.
I cared for my husband for ten years although the last months were the worst. Our whole life becomes centred around our loved ones and their needs and our determination to keep them alive and comfortable for as long as possible and as Daffy so rightly says our world centres around them. When they go we are left floating in air with nothing to focus on anymore.
If you only walk along your road to start with, do it. This is the only way you will start to feel a little better. Hard I know. If you need to cry while out then do that also. I did for months.
I wish I lived near to you and could accompany you on those walks for support However my thoughts are with you…
I’ve been out around the shops today. The first time in about 3 weeks. I felt tearful and churned up 80% of the time. It was still good to have a change of scenery.
When you are hiding away all the time one forgets that life goes on.
Hi Daffy, just to say I understand how it felt to be out…but bittersweet as you’re dealing with your emotions too. I recall how I planned my first shopping trip after my husband died (October 2017) kept it together until in the middle of the food hall, Frosty The Snowman came across loud and clear. Me and my trolley were frozen alright as I gave way to sobs and copious amount of tears. I’ve found that there’s not always the right or a good time to do things…you’ve just got to give it a go. Wishing you a peaceful evening, kindest wishes, xx
Thank you for your very kind message. I’ve was never much of a crier, until my Mum passed away, Now the tears come frequently and when they want.
Take care x
Thank you all of you. I really dont know what i would have done without your kindness and good advice. You are all special and It makes me want to tryxxx
I find reading something akin to mindfullness therapy . (If you dont let your concentration stray) im reading a book called ‘the five’ about the lives (rather than deaths)of jack the ripper victims. Contrary to common knowledge they were not all prostitutes but rather down in their luck. Leaving a husband and an alcohol problem was catastrophic to victorian women. What they went through makes you feel very humble and grateful for food and warmth. Love to you all above and thanks for your suggestionsx
Obviously that wasnt to myself!
Hi Pam, I hope your afternoon has passed reasonably well and you’re planning something to eat shortly. My local bookstore were promoting this book so maybe I’ll pick up a copy too. Sending my best wishes, xx
Hi lovely Rainbow
I hope you get it. It opens your eyes to a womens plight then. Reading is about the only thing i can do just now. I used to read non stop but as things are Its good to just pick up and read a little when i can. It might be a little crutch for you too. I also hope you have had a peaceful day. Let me know how you are much love pamx
Morning Pam, looks like you woke early today. That’s just the way it is some days. As well as reading, I like doing jigsaws. The last one was of our garden birds. Yesterday was an at home day, so it was peaceful. I love music…I started off with classical but now I can listen to most…there’s some that stirs my emotions and brings on tears but behind these tears the memories live. I want to keep the wonderful memories of my beautiful husband close, always. I will go into town later. If we lived close, I’d pick up a few things for you too! Stay cozy and have warm cuppas…it really does help to keep your body and soul together, xx
Thanks for reply
I went out to local shops for a short time. I only go out when i need food at the moment. Saw the mothers day cards. its the way things jump out at you when before it was just an item. Im glad you can enjoy music. In classical one of my favourites is Rachmaninov in the theme of paganini. One of my first jobs was as a dresser at Scottish ballet/opera and i used to love hearing the orchestra play, often from the wings. A long time ago now!!! I had bought mum a jigsaw of gone with the wind as she was a clark gable fan. It seemed much harder to do than when young! It did have a huge amount of pieces. We made a start but that was all. My sleeping patterns allover the place. Are you managing all right? I think its because i doze off during the day. I am thinking of doing some vol work but every time i go out i think i wont manage. Hoping for your peace and sending lovex
Hi Pam, good to hear that you’ve been out today. I still have those moments too…as you say, things were just around us previously…now they can act as a torment, so, so painful. There’s some of us who still choose and buy cards; some display, whilst for others they are a keepsake. My favourite is his second concerto…used in the film Brief Encounter.
I’m managing ok today. I have grown accustomed to just my own company. My husband’s sister is my absolute rock. She rings me each evening…I am very blessed to have her. Keep on taking these small steps…I wish you the best possible evening, xx
Found the thread. Yes i love the old black and white films like brief encounter. Its great youve got your sister in law. I am hoping to visit my brother in london once hes back from abroad. Hopefully rhe storms will have all passed and i can drive. Have to go out again today which i find is a trial but nothing to eat. Keep cosy!hugs pam