Thank you. I have said to my family that I’m not in the least afraid of this virus, I reckon whatever it throws at me can never be as bad as what I feel now. They are worried and say things like “how can you say that when you have a grandson and a daughter getting married but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t know if wrong or not 
. I can’t imagine feeling like this in a year as hate it. I want to feel normal again with Bill by my side 
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Hi Kate2,
I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling at present during this very difficult and lonely time.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how
you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to
reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116
123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other
support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, Kate2 get in touch with one of these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency
appointment immediately.
Take care,
Audrey
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You can’t be grateful because like me you found love a second time and you embrace it. It hurts both mentally and physically and it’s hard to be grateful when you feel like this. If another person tells me to be strong I think I might scream. Even my 87yr old Mum says stupid things like “I know how you feel” how can she when my Her husband of 63yrs is still living
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Thank you. Yes the loneliness is the worst. I never liked my own company before hand but hate it now. I can’t sleep and when I don’t sleep I can’t cope with the grief. GP giving me tablets but that doesn’t give me my husband to cuddle and tats what I need. We all need
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I have not lost anyone close my Grandparents died when I was in my 20’s but I still have my parents at 87&90 so no, I didn’t understand grief but by God I do now and I will treat people differently from now on. It is awful for anyone to go through no matter what age. X
I think it helps to know you and the others who have poured their hearts out on this support forum feel as I do. We can be here for each other because no one else “gets me” anymore. They just say “You have your happy memories”. I can’t even enjoy my home and garden as I wish Patrick could see it. I am going to move house as soon as I can. Goodnight everyone I am going to switch off now and take a sleeping pill. Xxx
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Please don’t make any rash decisions about moving while you are still so raw as you may regret it as I know a neighbour who sold her house a year after her husband died as said it had too many memories and now 2yes down the line she says her new house is just brick and mortar with no life so hold off as house prices are bound to be low after Covid. Night I hope you get some sleep x
I won’t do it yet awhile x
Hi Shonzi I am sending you a big hug. I feel for you. I too lost my partner to cancer in January this year and like you good one day and bad the next. Sometimes I am doing something and the tears flow. I wish he was still here I miss him so much. And yes this lockdown doesn’t help. I take his picture round the garden and show him what I have done. I also write to him and tell him what ive seen and done during the day and any gossip. I can’t get my head around that he is gone and I still expect to see him walking down the road. It is hard very hard I don’t thi k people understand they think you should be over it in a couple of weeks but that does not happen. I will stop now hope this helps even a little bit. Take care and stay safe. Love and hugs Diane xxx
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Hi Shonzie, apart from the most unenviable similarity of having lost a darling husband aged 64 on the cusp of retirement with so many plans for our older years, I share your dismay and distress of other people’s attitudes towards our loss. You don’t think it can get any worse and then someone opens their mouth and it really does!
Like you we had a forthcoming wedding planned for our elder son in August. The last time we were all together my son’s fiancée had been excitedly showing me a photo of her truly beautiful wedding dress and as we were leaving their house my husband said that he was really looking forward to the day. He died three weeks later. All our lives shattered into a mess of despair and hopelessness. At John’s funeral several people mentioned the wedding and said how it would give me something positive and happy to focus on. These same people had attended their own children’s weddings with their husband/ wife with them all the way!! If it had come from someone who had actually been through the same thing I would not have felt anywhere as near as desperate as I did in the face of their utter crassness. given the pandemic , we have no idea when or how the wedding will now happen. This will sound horribly selfish but part of me welcomes the fact it will necessarily be scaled down, possibly postponed because I find it too painful to contemplate without my husband. that is a measure of what grief does. As a mother how can I feel like that after all my son has been through. More guilt.
Like you I also have an elderly mother who manages to say the wrong thing as well. My mum is 91 and last June lost her husband of 72 years, my dad, following a fall in his garden. The shock brought on an horrendous attack of shingles which almost a year on is still causing ongoing neuralgic pain for which there is very little relief. Despite all she has endured never once has she lost the will to live and struggles to understand me when I say I wish I had died with my husband. She feels I should make more effort for my sons which I know is true. I just don’t know how to some days. I obviously didn’t inherit her resilience and stoicism. The fact that I get cross with someone so vulnerable is another example of what grief does. I have plumbed the depths of lacking human kindness and I know my husband would be appalled. Trouble is the one person who kept me sane and rational is not here when I need him more than ever.
I thought I had always been sensitive to grief. I now realise I had no idea how all consuming and destructive it can be.
I am thinking of you and all the others like us trying to make sense of it all.xx
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Hi Yvonne I to have been married before my first husband left me for another woman and I thought that was bad enough but this is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody!! I was married 21years to each and each has had there heartache! I ask myself all the time ‘why’ what have I done to deserve this! My life will never be the same again and what hurts the most is I never got to say goodbye 
The pain of it all is just unbearable and I just cannot see any future at the moment!
Take care
Janet x
Hi Janetirene, I ask myself every day what did I do to deserve this and I am sure everyone else on this site
Pressed reply before finished!!
Hi Shonzie, So sorry for the loss of your lovely husband, 11 weeks is not long at all and you will still be in the shock and disbelief stage. You cant comprehend how a man who was fine up until a few weeks before was taken so quickly. We grieve for losing them but also for our future which has disappeared in the blink of an eye. All the plans and dreams we thought we had in front of us all gone. You go over everything again and again to see if anything could have made a difference but at the end of the day nothing is going to change the outcome for us.
I am exactly the same as you, 6 months ago my Husband was fit and healthy and we were on holiday for my 60th when he said he did not feel too well sadly my Mum passed when we were away. She was 87 and not in the best of health so not a big shock. When we returned Colin went downhill really quickly and was admitted to Hospital for an MRI to see what the problem was but he took a heart attack the morning the scan was to be done. He was 67 had only had 2 years retirement and we had so much to look forward to but that’s all gone now. We were also second time round both had crap marriages before and were so lucky to have found each other we were together 12 years married for 10 so like you guys not long enough. I have amazing family and friends but nobody really knows how we feel unless they have been through it & that’s where this forum comes into its own as every single one of us can empathise and understand exactly how you feel. I have met some fantastic friends on here who are always there to talk me off the ledge when I am struggling. We will never get over this, the best we can hope is to reach a place of acceptance and try to adjust to a life on our own. I have a wee dog and it is her who gets me out of bed in the morning or I probably would not bother especially with this lockdown. I see you are in Perth, I am in fife just outside Dunfermline. Sending you a big virtual hug 
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Hi Janetirene, what I was saying is that everyone of us who has suffered a life changing bereavement will be wondering why it was us. We all know that at some point we will but nothing can prepare us for that earth shattering blow.
To me it’s what I imagine concussion to be like. Outwardly unhurt and still standing but completely disoriented and unable to focus.
Not being able to say goodbye also adds another dimension to grief as well, as it leaves us hanging onto a hope that it hasn’t really happened . I feel I was mid-story so how can it have ended?
We are all alone in our individual grief and yet on this forum know we are all searching for the same answers. Alone but not alone.
Thinking of you x
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Thanks It does help to know I am not alone and also not alone in still crying when some people say I should have stopped and moved on. As you say it is not as easy as that. Writing letters is a good idea as I often wish I could tell him all about my day. Thank you and hugs to you too x
I feel for you. The thought of my daughters wedding filled me with dread too. Even now when it has been postponed to next May I still find it impossible to be happy. But I do put on a face for her as she would be devastated and angry that I wasn’t as excited as I should be. She said after the funeral “my wedding is going to be sad now” and my mum shot me a look and said no t won’t. I really and truly hope I hold it together for my daughters sake but at this moment in time I find that so hard to contemplate. Sending you hugs x
Hi MrsColt. Thank you. Yes you sound like you are going through the same as me. Had shit marriage and then found your soul mate. I am 60 in August and he got me tickets to the country music festival in Nashville as a surprise. We were going to fly to Chicago on the 30th of this month and do lots of things before and after the festival. Now I am trying to get our money back . We did do lots as Bill was the “life’s to short enjoy every day as if it was your last” type so didn’t wait but at this moment the memories are to raw and I just look at the future and see an empty place.
Its hell isn’t it, all the plans and hopes we had gone in a flash Colin was like Bill and life was for living, his glass was always half full. He would tell me to be a warrior not a worrier now I am without him. We will never get over losing them 
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Hi hun I am exactly the same as you, I lost my beloved husband 28th January this year, so around same amount of time, he had lung cancer, he was and always will be my soulmate, we grew up together to dating in our teens, then married for 46 yrs, I am also rattling round in a big 3 bed bungalow, and with this lockdown I feel I am in a living hell, really can’t see my future without him, but I know I must carry on, he didn’t have a choice, he was only 64, he didn’t want to go, and said he felt his life was being taken to soon,to be honest it is only our 2 beautiful dogs that keep me going, if not for them I would not get up on a morning, I wish you love and massive hugs, xxx
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