dont know how to cope

i lost my partner on the 22/02/2020 we had been together 14 years and we shared a very special love, we had a lot of ups and downs but always managed to pull through. he fought back from a tummy bleed last june where the drs told me there was no hope. he had several illnesses and always beat them. he had been home the last 8 months recovering and he was finally getting back to normal life. on the 9/02/2020 i came down stairs to find he had a cardiac arrest. my daughter and my self gave cpr untill ambulance arrive, then revived him and he went to hospital. i had talk after talk he wont make it but he did it again. i thought he was coming home so we sat and made plans. next thing i know they told me no hope and they put him on palative care, this is the most evil way to let someone die. i sat with him untill his last breath. i have regrets on how i was to him sometimes and feel i can never make it up to him. im lost and dont know how to cope i miss him so much everything i did revolved around him and vice versa, how am i ever going to get through this. he had just turned 60 that week and im 47. he was a good man a excellent granddad. im so lost and i fear the pain i feel and the pain to come

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Dear Karie,
Welcome into this wonderful group of people, who will give you, compassion, support and understanding. The shock which you have had will cause you all kinds of feelings, this is normal, you did what you could for your partner and there is no reason to feel guilty. My dearly loved husband passed away 6 months ago, I found him on our bedroom floor, he had died. We were married 59 years and I miss him dreadfully. In 1957 we started going out together, in 1958 we were engaged, married 2 years later. It is my firm belief that when the time is right we shall meet our loved ones again.
Take good care of yourself.
Blessings,
MaryL.

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thank you mary for your lovely reply. im so sorry to hear about your husband. 59 years is a life time i dont know how you are coping. there must have been a lot of love between you to last so long and still between you now x

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Thank you, Karie,
Yes, we did love each other, we had our ups and downs as per usual. I really felt for you when I read your post. My goodness, karie, you have had a rotten time and to know that your partner had no hope, is more than cruel, you have done well to post in this forum so soon after losing him. He was so young too, it is no use pretending that pain doesn’t intensify, it does (in my case). I have learned that, in fact for 6 months I was still in deep shock, he passed away so suddenly. I knew that Stan wasn’t well but I wasn’t expecting him to die. Grief is a horrible emotion, there is no going round it, over it or under it, we have to go through it.
Take care,
love
Mary x

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thank you mary. The reason im posting is because i dont know what else to do. i was looking for help advice anything and found this site it does seem to help a bit at least for a moment or two x

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Dear Karie. Sorry you’re going through this. You will still be in shock and will not really know what has hit you. It will take a lot of strength to get through the next few months… But you have that strength inside. Make sure you eat everyday. You won’t have an appetite but it’s important to look after yourself. Seek company from friends and family… They will help you cope. I know I lost my focus completely in Sept when my husband died suddenly… It took several months before I began to come too again. I’m still far from my old self… Not sure that person even exists anymore… But I’m making small steps towards being a human being again… It’s the worst thing in the world to have to deal with this loss but you’re not alone. Try to remember the good times and font dwell on regrets. Save your strength for the days to come. Take each hour as it comes. Cry when you need to and be kind to yourself xxx

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liz thank you your words are so comforting. i went to see chip on friday i didnt think i would be able to, it was hard and the worst thing was he looked asleep. i was unreal. he is all dressed up in his best clothes and for the want of a better word he look amazing he doesnt look ill or in pain he looks like my chip. I have been busy this week sorting things out. i think because chip was in hospital for 13 days before i have found it easier to blank what has happened thinking thats where he is still. the last two days i have started to miss all the things he did for me i miss his voice. im scared of the pain of missing him everywhere i go there is a memory. i understand we all feel the same and i think you are very brave. i doubt that person exists anymore like you said because we all have to become new people now and the adjustment must be hard. i feel everyone around me has already got used to it and people are going on as normal and i sit there looking at them. i have laughed occasionally then i feel guilty for laughing. i dont feel i can cry infront of anyone now. yes they are sad and have grieved but they have their own lifes im jealous.

we dont expect them to die do we same with chip he fought every time he was ill i just thought that would happen again. Im sorry to hear stan died suddenly thats hard i would say you had no time to prepare but honestly i dont think your ever prepared. on the 9th feb i came downstairs to find chip taking his last breath i thought i lost him then. my daughter gave cpr and he came back, thats my chip beating the odds they said he wouldn’t make it at the hospital, chip did. they said when he came around he would be brain damaged he came around and he was ok. They said his kidneys were bad but then they told me they were ok to sustain life. chips birthday was the 16th feb he called me just gone 9 am he told the nurses i was singing happy birthday to him he was so happy then he said come get me im coming home i said i dont think so yet the nurses said not yet. for 10 days we thought he was coming home then to be told that his organs are failing. i begged them to help him. then i was called in and they had stopped all treatment shut the door on him and left him. I begged again for them to help him they had stopped food medicine fluids the lot. all that was left was to watch him slowly slip away. i begged them not to starve him and make him go with out fluids i wouldn’t eat cause he couldn’t. i heard his belly rumbling they gave in and said we give him fluids and if u want you can try and feed him. i did but he couldn’t swallow anymore. i sat with him for 3 days i never left him. The last night i watched him struggle to breath i knew it was time so i held him. even then he was still fighting right untill the last breath. i couldn’t do anything for him

Dear karie,
this is so sad, how I feel for you, you are being very brave throughout, Take good care of yourself,
Love,
Mary x

thank you Mary you take care too xx

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Karie,
So sad, life is so cruel,
Sending love,
Steph xx

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I’m glad he looked at peace. I wasn’t able to see my husband. I know what you mean about feeling they are still somewhere else… My husband died whilst he was away on a dive trip… He never came home, so times it feels they are going to walk right in the door. I had a dream the other night that he turned up on my next holiday and was alive and well. I even tried to hit myself in my dream to check I wasn’t dreaming… It was so realistic… I was gutted when I woke up. I’m glad you got to see your husband, I hope you’ll also find peace in knowing he was at peace. How are you coping with the admin? I remember the avalanche of paperwork I had to do… If there’s anything you need advice on just ask x

liz to be honest my daughter has done nearly everything i just cant focus or dont want to. i think when your partner works away you can try and live in a fantasy world that it never happened. This is what im doing when im out somewhere i just think chip is sat at home. Mornings are hard though. Dreams can be so cruel they feel so real so when you wake up you have to live through reality all over again. I wasnt going to see chip after the upset i had when i saw my nan when i was 17. I knew i had to be with chip and it gave me some comfort which shocked me i was scared i wouldnt be able to remember him as he was but again he has done me proud he looks well peaceful and very very smart. Im proud of him in every way. I am so sorry you didnt get to see your husband. But you have the memories to draw on when you need to see him xx

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im having a hard time today i feel like im about to explode i went to see my chip at the chapel or rest i sat with him for about a hour. it all seems so unreal

I know exactly how you feel, that’s how I was, doesn’t feel real.
Thinking of you
Sending hugs
Steph x

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Hi Karie
How I know your pain and torture. I found my husband in bed next to me and that he had died in his sleep within the hour of going too bed. He was 58 and I am 56. I tried CRP and they worked on hi=m for 50 minutes, but nothing, just gone. He had no previous symptoms at all. I do not know how are going to get through this cruel path, people say good things and sometimes it helps but it is just the wanting that person back that breaks your heart. My husband died in January this year, also a wonderful husband and an amazing dad and grandad too. I also fear th days and the pain to come so itotallt understand that. Please contact me if you wish to chat anytime. Tracey x

If anyone one wants to meet up, maybe we could?

im so sorry to hear about your husband Tracey. i wish i had some words of comfort for you. the only thing i can say is remember him for all the good fun times. I think passing in your sleep is the best way to go if you know what i mean. im still writing to my chip of a night. im kissing his picture everyday. i still cant believe ill never see him again. i had the vicar come to see me today to sort the funeral service she was amazing i found it easy to open up to her, i took massive pride in telling her all about my chip i find some sort of release telling people who he was and what he meant to me. keep your husband alive by telling people about him talk to him if you feel him near i say good night god bless to my chip then say jelly tots because thats what we did every night so why stop now. the pain that im feeling is horrible because its not actually a pain its impossible to explain its a longing a ache a feel of emptiness. Tracey you lost your darling husband but you were right next to him when he slipped away he wasnt alone. i thank god for you and him that he didnt suffer he hadn’t been ill. You will know if he is still around and you can take comfort from it knowing he still there watching out for you. x

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HI. Karie. Welcome. you are in the right place and among friends. Everyone here knows just how you feel at this moment. It’s early in your bereavement to talk about recovery. It would be meaningless to you.
We all feel in the beginning that we will never get over it and, of course we won’t. But although living with the pain is often unbearable we do survive. It’s 15 months since my wife died and I do have better days and sometimes not so good ones. But, if you can, don’t look too far into the future. Let time pass as it will. Forcing yourself to do things, to put on brave show is exhausting. Emotions should be let go.
It’s so early for you to think about anything other than surviving the next few weeks/months. Take it easy. Allow emotions. Please don’t flog yourself with regrets. We can all do that and it just won’t help. I know, I know often we can’t help it. ‘Could I have done more’? Maybe, but what we did at the time we thought right. Hindsight can be a real burden for some. You will cope, we all do, and often have to for others. It may not seem so at this moment but it will.
Take care and be kind to yourself. You may still be in shock, which does happen initially. Disbelief and denial are common grief symptoms.
Blessings. John.

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thank you Johnathan for your lovely words they have all sunk and and made so much sense. untill i came on here i had no idea people were feeling the exact same emotions and my heart goes out to everyone. i will do my best to take one day at a time. thank you x

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