Don't know or can't find my place in society now ...

I don’t know if anyone else feels the same but I just don’t know where my place in society is anymore. As silly as it may sound, since my husband died I just don’t seem to exist anymore. I can’t explain it really, all I know is I am totally lost.X


Know exactly how you feel, when I go out it’s as if I’m on a different planet although everything still looks the same! When I talk to people it just all feels strange & not in a nice way.
My Thought are with you :heart::heart:


I do know exactly how you feel I am a very independent person but the loss of my husband as thrown that up in the air. Things I did before he died seem so different but gradually I am getting it back hope you do


Totally agree. It’s very strange as everyone has their lives and I am just dawdling around wondering what is going on.
In saying that I am definitely better than six months ago and starting to think I need to get back into whatever reality is nowadays.


LoobyLoo, it’s about trying to find yourself again. Everything you knew that was good and solid has been removed. We just have to rebuild, from the ground up x

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I know what you mean too.

I think it’s partly to do with that feeling that you’ve lost half of your brain when you lose your partner.

When you’ve shared a life and lived together for any length of time, you do sort of evolve into 2 cogs in 1 wheel and between you both, you keep everything rolling along smoothly.

Remove one of the cogs and the remaining cog is left rattling round in the same space.

I think as well, after bereavement, it is difficult to work out what you want in/from life - (other than the obvious I want my loved one back).

I still haven’t worked that out for me, so, until I do, I just try my best to carry on as I did before - but it certainly isn’t, nor does it feel, the same.


So very true @Wingingit nicely put xx

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The two cogs in a wheel analogy is brilliant. It explains it perfectly… I met up with a friend today for coffee and a walk. When we separated to go to our respective cars. I felt completely alone and out of sorts as I knew there was no husband to go back to at home. It’s a horrific feeling.


I am the same. My husband and I did everything together the only time we were apart was when we were at work.
Other than that we were together, shopping - did together, just popping out - together. So now to these is hard. Shopping is awkward, I still look at the things he would want.
We were never ones to go out regularly (nights out/weekends away/days out) preferred staying home with our pets. He was the more social one out of the 2 of us… So I am now stranded, lost and alone. The thoughts of going out scares me, I don’t want to go out - it’s not what I do.
The two cogs is an excellent. My husband and I were one.
The best part of me left with him, I am left with this shell of existence that I’m not sure what to do with.
I am grateful I still have our pets, they keep me going - making sure they’re ok and cared for. If I didn’t have them, who knows, I have thought about it.


Hi Winging it,
You have summed up exactly how i feel…It’s as though I live half a life now as I only have to do things for me and I liked doing it for Pete and me so it doesn’t feel right any more. Shopping, cooking, gardening, decorating, holidays, sadly the list goes on…
Being social is one of the hardest things to do as you usually get asked… how are you/ doing/feeling etc and the last thing they want to hear is I’m not. So you reply what makes it easier for them and it’s exhausting.
Having a bad day today as it is the date of when his funeral was and my mind is on rewind…
Love to you all and thank you Loobyloo2 for opening up this discussion.


Dear Loobyloo2,

After eight years without my husband of 47 years, together 50, I still feel the same. I feel like a spare part when I go out with our family. I have nothing in common with friends I have known since the 1960’s because they all still have their husbands and all they talk about are their holidays. When I go out alone to shopping centres I go for morning coffee and cake, wander around and then get a taxi home again.

The world changed when I lost my husband and I no longer feel a part of it. I used to be outgoing, always loved a laugh, I had a cheeky sense of humour and loved to get dressed up when we went out, even if Peter wanted to stay at home watching a football match on TV, I still put my make up on and got dressed up, and he would ring me asking me to bring some liquorice torpedoes home with me. Now when I pass a sweet stand, my heart does a jump when I see them.

I am classed as a widow, not a married woman, even though I think of myself as married.

The day Peter died, in a way my old self died as I was no longer me.


So true!
Today has been so difficult as I’ve been supermarket shopping for the first time since Mark died. We would usually do it together or if I went alone I would enjoy telling him of my “adventure” and bargains and who I’d seen.
Today it was a lonely and isolating feeling and I felt I was the only one who was by themselves. I smiled and made small talk with the cashier and cried the whole drive home.
I feel for us all who no longer feel we belong without our other half and the aching agony of missing someone so much - I know it will ease.
I was so glad to be home and greeted and kissed by my little dog who makes me feel loved and needed - sadly she isn’t much good at putting the shopping away.


Concure with the two cog idea. I actually said in a slightly differnt way at my councelling that the part of me which was my linda died thd day she did. So i am now trying to rebuild my next chapter, i have a 19mth old grandaughter who helps me stay plodding on in this terrible world of loss . On the shopping front i tried to shop at our usual place after a week my wife passed with thd support of my daughter (buffalo running into the storm). Subsequently i have found to make it far less traumatic i go shopping to the same supermarket but in a more pleasent area. As tbh we hatted supermaket shopping.

I tend not to try doing any of the things we did together apart from the garden, which simply has to be tended so I get on with it. Richard only went shopping when we were on holiday and I can’t face the idea of a holiday yet. Supermarket shopping I always did online as we live 12 miles from the nearest one. I tended to pick up other shopping when I was taking my daughter places.

I think finding new things to do may help some people. Nothing related to your lives together so that they don’t hold the triggers to your grief. I can cope with the bits of life which were only mine so the volunteering at a craft group and the exercise class I run I can manage.
Nights out - no chance!

i know how you feel,I a walking about in someone elses shoes,not me anymore

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Thank you for opening this discussion. It has made me feel less alone. I try to avoid going into supermarkets - too busy and too many reminders of the seasons changing and all without my husband. Instead, I have taken to Click and Collect. However, yestetday I did go in as dog was all out of food. As I passed the Valentine’s Cards, I found my head saying, oh yes, mustn’t forget to get Andy a card before my heart stopped iny chest when I remembered he is gone. I struggled to keep my composure for the rest of the shopping trip.

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Hi @Sara5
I had the same thoughts as I was in a card shop buying for my daughter. I rushed past that section as quickly as possible. That’ll be another difficult day for us all won’t it?
Sending love xxx

I really feel your pain @Markswife. Supermarkets are a real trigger for me. I won’t go in one after my Asda experience just before Christmas. I now do click and collect but I did it the other day and saw a man who was obviously collecting for his family while I had shopping for one. I cried most of the way home. The pain is horrific.


I can cope with the bits of life which were mine too Karen.

Where I struggle is doing the bits of life which Mr Wingingit assumed responsibility for.

I never put petrol in the car - it was always filled up for me if I was going off somewhere after he’d cleaned it.

He also did all the supermarket shopping so, while I clearly know how to shop in a supermarket, my early efforts were hopeless. I didn’t know where anything was and wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles clutching my list, wearing my mask and sobbing was not a happy time and only added to that lost feeling.

I still don’t know how to work a carwash - but I can use a bucket and sponge!

He was also the financial brains of this partnership, - I never used a cash machine as he was my banker.
He supplied cash and postage stamps on demand, no questions asked.

We have no children so, in order to survive I need to master these things.

I have good friends who were willing to do things for me but I’m mindful that in the long run, that actually won’t help me.

Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

I do celebrate each small victory and only this week I took the bull by the horns and went to a car wash place.

I came out in my shiny, clean car, feeling like I’d mastered nuclear physics!

Fixing a dripping tap had me wondering if I should become a plumber - though when my boiler broke, I thought, maybe not.

Baby steps and bit by bit, we will get there - but it sure ain’t easy.


You sound like me @Wingingit. You need to try doing whatever you are capable of. My husband did a lot of the general maintenance so I felt enormous determination, and pride when completed, in sanding and staining the window frames on the back of our house last summer.
My poor family had to put up with photos on WhatsApp of all that I was doing as I needed someone’s approval and my darling wasn’t here to give it.

Vehicles booked in for MOT - Richard always kept an eye on when those were due. It’s lots of little things but they mount up and can feel overwhelming can’t they?

We’ll get there, if only to make them proud and survive. xxx