Sorry. That should be Alzheimer’s Society not ‘Altimeters’. Well, perhaps it is appropriate. We are way up in the clouds aren’t we?
Yeah, I agree about the clouds. Maybe it should be “0ldtimer’s” even in my case. I feel I’ve aged a hundred years since I lost my Husband to Heart Failure 33 months ago. And of course with this recent traumatic situation. Hope today is kind to you.
Hello Tina
I check in occasionally when I can and seeing your posts has bought back a lot of memories and our many conversations. I am going to give your some harsh and honest advice (for anyone reading this Tina will understand me)
As you know, I too self harmed and eventually had a breakdown. This is why:
Bad things that happen to people including our loved ones is out of our control and when we are overwhelmed and trying to gain some control to stop us going into meltdown, our mind and body tries to protect us and the pain goes inwards and our body responds where as the mind cannot respond. This is telling you that you need to step away from the situation regardless and focus on YOU. We cannot change what we cannot control and we cannot feel guilty for things that happen that is out of our control. You are still here and have a life ahead of you and this is where you can heal, emotionally and physically. When you are the person bearing all the burden of responsibility others will let you.
Your mum is acting out of the same emotions, fear and lack of control. All you can do that is humanly possible is to ensure you have a support network around her and yourself. If you don’t a support network you have to find one. It won’t come to you. Move out of that situation and put some care in place for mum and give yourself some breathing space. Let your siblings know and let them take some of the reins. Your lost your husband and you are entitled to grieve that loss and not have to take more responsibility on top of that. Tina you cannot do this all on your own.
You know where I am if you need me but you have to make some changes, scary yes but nothing will change until you do and life is too short to be living it like this.
Lots of love to you and get your own place. It’s the right time now for you xxx
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Jonathan 123
Love your posts, love your energy and what a thoroughly nice human being you are. Anyone in your life is lucky to have you on board and whatever you have gone through you have come out the other end. You have got this thing called life and you are sharing it and I hope happiness and love rewards you well xx
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If there is one message that anyone who has left this world would say to those of us left behind it would be “live everyday as if it was your last, count your blessings, be kind to others and be humble” this is the legacy they left behind so sometimes we have to push through the pain and get on with it, hour by hour, day by day and most importantly be grateful for life because we all have to leave this planet one day and tomorrow is promised to no one
Hello Lyn.
Although I have decided to try to be a reader on the site rather than a poster, as a result of a few unsettling exchanges I was involved with on another thread. However, I felt I must make an exception and say a huge thanks for your reply, it’s greatly appreciated. You always did speak with compassion and humility and I’m really glad you got “well” again. I totally understand what you are saying in your response. I’m appreciative of all the thoughtful replies I’ve had here, as well as those that have personal messaged me in recent times.
I know in my current state of mind and circumstances that I can’t offer any meaningful words of support to anyone so I’ll stick to reading posts, for a while at least until my judgement is a bit better focussed.
Thanks again Lyn and best wishes to you.
Hi Tina
It’s exhausting trying to support others when what is really needed is support for you.
Only you can decide when you finally give up on the ‘outside’ and turn inwards to giving to yourself the love, care and attention that you need and deserve. It is inside you Tina, not externally. You have to believe that amongst all the sadness, heartache and pain it is only you who can truly love and heal yourself. I believe you can but you have to draw a line under the past and look to your future, one you are here to live. As much as the past hurts us and memories cause us pain, past is past and cannot be undone. Be kind to yourself and let it go. Love is always in the heart, it doesn’t reside anywhere else so move forwards and carry the love with you and not the pain.
Whatever the surroundings about the death of someone it was truly there time to leave. Your time is still here. Sending you lots of love xx
Hi Tina,
Apologies for the late reply. I am so so sorry to hear your Mum’s devastating news. It must be such a shock to you all. My thoughts are with you and your family.
How many siblings do you have? Do you think you can sit them down and tell them how you are feeling and that you need their help and family support. Tell them how your Mum’s erratic behaviour is affecting you. You can’t shoulder this on your own. Especially as you are still grieving your husband.
It is very common for Dementia/Alzheimer sufferers to act in this way. Its the illness. We were so hurt and broken when our Mum would say hurtful things, didn’t recognise some of us. It was becoming a regular occurrence. When I visited. She would recognise me at first…laugh then cry. She hasn’t talked for almost 2yrs. She would react with smiles, laughs and tears. Then shortly after, she was so frightened of me. Like I was an imposter. It really hurt. In time we accepted and learnt that this was the illness and not our beautiful dearest Mum. Mum always responded well to family that visited only on occasions. Its difficult Tina, but you have not got to take it to heart. It will take time to adjust. Your Mum is still in there.
What we found that really helped was talking about the past. Old photos, old music she used to listen to when we were all so young. Mum recalled the past/old memories more so. Recent memories were a blur. Maybe it’s something you could try.
These past few weeks I have found it really difficult. I haven’t wanted to be around anyone… my kids have told me that I have become distant from them, grouchy, not meeting up with them after work like I used to. I just want to be on my own. Im reading a book ‘Turning Grief into Sweet Memories’ by Tana Osborn. It’s really helpful. She explained everything I am going through and feeling and made me realise I need to find myself again. Il never ever get over losing my Mum, but I have to remember all the good times, the lessons Mum taught me, the love she had… aw the love she had. Completely unconditional. She was loved by anyone that crossed Mum’s path. Everyone felt her love. I just wish I had spent more time with Mum. Sat by Mum’s side watching telly, fed her more. Shown Mum more love. Regret is soul destroying. All these should of, could of, would of’s are far too late. But I have to deal with it now. Instead the thought that keeps replaying in my mind every single day is when my Mum took her last breaths as I was at her side, in my baby sister’s arms. Me trying to wake her up, her body limp. Im grateful that I got to be with Mum in her last hours. Her last breaths.
I thought I was doing ok but I get these waves of sadness that take over now and again and I find it hard to recover. Its 9 wks tonight at 1.03am. It seems like yesterday. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before.
I do like reading Tina. I shall have a look at the site. Thank you.
Hope your ok. If you need to chat at all you can email me on sasha035@live.co.uk. Il send you my number on there.
Keep strong Tina xx
Hi Lyn T,
I do agree with you on some levels. Tina’s siblings need to step up. Start to live her own life and find other care. I believe that family should all pull together to care for their Mum. And if Tina has to be the sole carer… then believe me its the most rewarding role she would ever have. Although times are difficult and testing, does Tina’s Mum not deserve family care and support? Heaven is beneath our Mother’s feet. The guilt of not being there is the worst soul destroying ever. Tina does need to ask for more help from family. They do need to step up and equally share the care… but I don’t believe Tina moving out and getting on with her life while her Mum is cared by strangers will help later. I know this! Im going through it. Luckily my brother and sister cared for my Mum 24/7 but the guilt if not helping more is what is destroying me right now. Our Mother’s brought us into this world. Nurtured us, cared for… do we not owe it to them to be there for them? We do.
Sorry for being so blunt but that’s how I feel.
Sash
xx
xx
Hi Sasha
I agree with your post to a point if Tina wasn’t already grieving for the loss of her husband. Grieving as you know is both mentally and physically draining and also Tina has mentioned self harming. This clearly shows she is not coping and so to me suggests she is not capable of caring for anyone until she gets support for herself. We can’t keep giving when we have nothing left to give because we are depleted. There is only so much a person can take on when they are struggling and I disagree about feeling guilty. We can all only do our best with what we can and I don’t see what Tina would have to feel guilty about? Moving out does not mean not caring for her mum but gives her some time to gain some strength and time for her own healing to take place. If their are other siblings as indeed there are, then there is no need for strangers to be looking after her mum. Love is not about feeling guilty, it’s about doing the best you can and sometimes the care that is needed is best with the right support in place. Some people have to put their parents in care homes, not because they want to but because it’s the best for everyone concerned giving limited resources (mentally and physically)
Regards
Lyn