Don't know where to start

I am 59. My husband, aged 67, was diagnosed with osteoporosis 7 years ago. He broke his leg on 2 March 2017 and had an operation to pin it the following day. He came home on 14 March and then was diagnosed with a blood clot in his mid calf. At the end of March I started to notice he was very tired but we put this down to B12 deficiency diagnosed in hospital. By 1st April I was worried because he had pains in his chest and shoulders and GPs came out and said his lungs were clear and they thought it was a pinched nerve in his neck. On 10 April I called an ambulance after finding him unresponsive after he went to bed. A very nasty case of pneumonia was diagnosed and he was sent to high dependency unit. 5 days later he was put on a ventilator and sent to ITU as the infection got worse despite strong antibiotics. A few days later they did a CT scan as the infection was not responding to medication. He had a large tumour in his left lung and the day after, we were told that the oncology team had found that the cancer had spread to his bones. He died on 22 April - 12 days after admission. I am completely at a loss and in need of support. Can anyone help ? Does anyone have similar experience ?

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Hi Pammi im very sorry for your loss (im 57 my wife was 41 when she died 04032016 on her birthday )I understand your shock at coping with your nightmare (Denise was in and out of hospital at different times over 8 years itcu as wel ) .Take each day 1 by 1 dont plan what you dont have to plan .Lean on family (if you have relatives ) .Also go see your gp re help (im still going a year on ) Other and I doint mind private messages (i send private messages to members without being asked to ) i find it can help if you find somone you think aah they understand my nightmare.Try to have some me time give yhour brain and heart a rest.Because unfortunately your nightmare will patiently wait for you.I hope ive helped dont be a stranger here .Colin

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Hi pammie so sorry for your loss… I wish there was a magic cure for the pain we all have ,I lost my wife Marilyn on the 28th Nov 2016 the days seem longer and the nights seem to last for ever now, I have only been using this group a few days but I can honestly say that when I come on here it does ease the pain ,even if only for a short while, I always used to say that grieving was a personal thing , but now I no it’s not, I want people to know I’m grieving I want people to know how much I love and miss Marilyn , I hope your pain soon gets easier to cope with,take care x

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Thank you so much Dennis. I am so sorry for your loss. May I ask how long you were married ? Keith and I had nearly 41 years together, and the loss is raw and new at the moment - I only lost him on 22 April, and the memory of how he died is still uppermost in my mind. I hope the lovely memories will come through eventually, but I don’t seem to be able to get past the shock of how quickly everything happened.

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Hello Colin. Thank you for your kind advice. I just don’t seem to be able to get past the shock of it all at the moment, but I know what you mean about taking it one day at a time. It makes me panic to think any further than the end of the day. I have two friends who both lost their husbands to cancer so they understand the pain of the loss, but their experience was over a long period of time.

Keith, my hubby, was admitted to hospital at the beginning of March after a fall in which he fractured his femur. He spent 10 days in hospital and developed a blood clot when he came out. At the beginning of April he began to be unwell and our GP diagnosed a pinched nerve in his neck, because he had severe shoulder and back pains. I eventually called an ambulance just before midnight on 9 April and he was diagnosed with severe pneumonia. A few days later he was placed on a ventilator because things were getting worse, and after a CT scan they found that the underlying cause was lung cancer, which had already spread to his bones. He had had no symptoms before this, which is why it was such a shock, but by 22 April I was advised that the cancer was aggressive,could not be treated and was out of control. The doctors turned off the ventilator and he died a few hours later. He was such a special man - everyone thinks their own partner is special and I think they all are in their own unique way. That’s the nature of grief isn’t it ? Idon’t know how to be without him. Mornings are the worst - the whole day seems to stretch out in front of me and I don’t know how to fill it. Eventually I hope to do some voluntary work for the Roy Castle Foundation but i don’t think I’m up to it yet.

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Hi Pammi , almost the same as you pammi ,40 yrs, ,22nd April ,just a couple of weeks ,yes I think I can understand how your feeling now, the first few weeks was really really hard for me ,it’s only 6 months since I lost Marilyn , the hardest part for me was watching her slip away,she only went into hospital with a water infection ,and within a couple of hours of being admitted, she stopped talking stopped drinking ,her eyes closed ,she was just thrashing about,they took me into a room and explained they weren’t going to give her any treatment , just something to stop the thrashing about, they said her kidneys had stopped working and everything else was shutting down , she was like that for 4 days , but I thank myself lucky I was able to be with her ,I was playing her favourite cliff richards cd and holding her hand when she passed away, pammi people tell me and I’m sure you have been told that it will get easier in time ,I still cry most days ,but it is getting easier,slowly ,

My heart goes out to you Dennis. It’s almost the same as my own experience. Keith passed away after 12 days and the hardest part was not being able to communicate in words at the end. I did have a couple of days when he was out of sedation but still on a ventilator so unable to talk. We communicated by his answering me with hand squeezes and signals, so we managed to say how we felt, but three weeks on the shock still hasn’t gone, and is affecting my ability to grieve properly. I hope it will come in time, and I will welcome it, as the pain reflects how much I loved him. Please keep in touch Dennis. I will support you however I can so don’t be afraid to let me know if you need anything.

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It’s a cruel world at times , like you said Pammi your still in shock ,your grieving hasn’t really started yet, and when it does start you will have the comfort of all your lovely and precious memories even though it will be painfull,but I suppose the pain just shows how much we loved them , as with you Pammie my heart goes out to you in these early stages,I hope you can begin to grieve soon ,take care pammie

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