Double Bereavement

Hi I’m new here,
I don’t know really where to start… My grandfather passed away unexpectedly in January, 2 days before my birthday… I felt sad but kinda didnt sink in because my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in December.

My father started his chemotherapy and then suddenly died in Feburary, ironically not from cancer but unexpectedly from internal bleeding. I watched the paramedics speak to him, he told them he was fine, smirked… closed his eyes and his heart just stopped beating. I live in comfort that the paramedics said he basically went to sleep and since he died at home - it was where he wanted to be and he wouldn’t have to suffer from not being able to eat from his esophagus cancer. I would rather feel the pain I am feeling now then watch him in the pain and suffering he was going to be up against.

I am not coping well at all with his death though. I’ve seen him every single day for 38 years of my life and now I feel like he has taken a part of me with him. Like other people have posted i feel like life is not worth it, i now resent older people who are alive, especially if they’re not very nice people.

My father is a very kind, caring and generous man and I was shocked with the amount of strangers who have said he was a beautiful soul. His loss has broken quite a few peoples hearts but I fear my grief is a bit more harsh/dramatic than theirs - they don’t seem to understand that I’ve gone from seeing my father every single day of my life to nothing and it’s just destroyed me.

I do believe theres something after life, and have had MANY MANY signs (not just me by 3rd parties have expierenced spooky goings ons and they only came to my home to do a job). However i refuse to speak about my dad in the past tense, and have people say to me that i am in denial. I don’t believe i’m in denial - i know hes dead i know hes not coming back - my argument is he didn’t stop being amazing, or loving things just because he died. I also tend to speak to him a lot as if he’s still here - but that goes in hand with the spooky goings on a few people have expierenced. I’d like to believe he can hear me, but I did think if anyone from the outside saw me - they’d probably think i was a nut job. It soothes my soul either way.

I know grief is different for many people, but how do you cope with the feeling of helplessness and not wanting to here anymore and just wanting to be with them. I tried to explain to my friend that I feel like im litereally just awaiting death now just to be with him again, of course she did the standard of “you have so much to live for” fearing i was going to do something stupid (i’m not, my father would be cross with me) - but i dont feel like life is worth living - life is worthless without him. He was my life and i was his… even my mum said this. We lived for eachother.

I also feel pretty bad I didnt grieve for my grandad - like he didn’t even get a thought and even now im just so focused on my dad.

Hello BlondeDuck

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your father and grandfather, that sounds like a lot to deal with. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,