I did get that YouTube video,quite liked it though,but then i redeemed myself and watched a 1961 drum solo ,enjoyed it and i’m not a jazz fan,but i can appreciate a talented drummer x
Oh Edwin I am so sad for you my heart goes out to you.
You are strong and brave because you have actually managed to put your post on here which is a positive step!
You should put anything on here that you need to share with people all in the same position so please don’t delete them because the people on here are very kind and caring and will offer you lot’s of love kindness and sympathy.
I have already been through what you are probably now going through but I am not out at the other end yet it still seem a million miles away!
I felt like you one day I was on a complete downer I couldn’t stop crying and it was a great effort to get out of the arm chair because I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at all I thought I would be happier where my husband is which is very shameful of me because I have a Son whom I love very much.
I was frustrated because I couldn’t get used to being alone in the house all day but I wasn’t ready to go back to work either, but I am now back to work ( only this week ) and it’s good having people round me again and some thing to concentrate on!
I work in a care home.
Nothing will ever be this difficult again in our lives I hope.
But you are brave and strong and caring and you must carry on.You must.
I bought a book which really has helped me called Surviving Grief by Dr Catherine M . Saunders.
I had all these thoughts in my mind I was really upset and angry for losing my husband my best friend and my soul mate I thought I was cracking up some days and because the grief was so unbearable and the days like you have when I really felt what’s the point there’s nothing left! Whatever I do isn’t going to make any difference ( which it didn’t I’m really sad to say) I sat and read this book and it answered all the questions going through my head.
Very well researched and written and by the time you finish it you will have a different outcome on things.
I wish you all the very best and if you do buy the book please keep in touch to let me know how you get on.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
You can do this because I did and I’m not a strong person so so can you.
God bless. Xxxxxx
Hi yes there are triggers. It may be a sudden memory which pops into your head or a song you hear or something you see on tv. We are entitled to days like that. We just need to focus on getting back to a positive frame of mind. The difficult thing I find are people who try to offer sympathy but have no clue of the feelings we have. I do and totally empathise with you. Keep strong. Take care. Kate x
Thanks to everybody, everybody, for all the replies. It’s a week almost since I started this thread, and I’ve had highs and lows since then. We all will have, I doubt that not.
In the last day or so I have experienced the oddest of things, which I have related partly in my “We Used to Laugh a Lot” and partly in the “Signs” thread. The experience has given me the seeds of hope, which have been planted in the already fertile ground prepared by Crazy Kate’s inspired insight into the development of grief mirroring the development of love.
And, by God, I love Eileen, oh how I love her. And how I grieve too.
When she laughed, her pretty little face crinkled up, and her eyes almost closed as she cried with laughter. She enjoyed teasing me, particularly deflating my pomposity: fortunately, I suppose, I was raised to believe that it was manly to be self-effacing, taking a joke against myself so it always went well.
I have unfinished business on this earth, I don’t want to cause further grief to my family, I have dogs, including her much loved villain, Roger, to care for, so I must live for as long as it takes for all these, but I look forward to being eventually reunited with her for eternity. May it please be so.
1 Like
Please keep talking through the site as it will help you.
I lost my beloved mum on Christmas eve and the funeral is on Wednesday.
I send my condolences to you.
My advice is to take one day at a time.
Our loved ones carry on living in our hearts and memories. I hope that you gain some strength from people who going through the same thing. Even though every one is unique and we have different views.
We are all going through this together.
Keep posting it will help you.
Your last paragraph says it all Edwin.x
Hello Everyone, I am joining this thread because Edwin’s title “Down In The Dumps,” jumped out at me. In the 8 months since I lost my beloved younger sister (watched her die in front of me), I have tried so many ways to ease this pain. Support groups, therapy, and coming to this forum all have helped. But lately I feel set back in my grief. Last week at the support group I attend at the hospital that treated my sister, I found myself so overcome with grief that I could not even speak. This weekend I felt totally unmotivated and did not venture out of the house until it was dark. I experience flashbacks from that final night when I watched in horror as she slipped away, as the medical team valiantly tried to save her, all in vain. I am weakened by this weight of sadness and feel so hopeless. I tell myself this will pass, and I will find my strength again, but do I really believe that? Others who were there in the first few months, have gone on with their lives and I feel more alone than ever. I had a bad day at work the other day, and how I needed my sister to let me rant, as we used to do when one of us was having a rough time of it.
I need to hear her laugh as we shared our inside jokes. This void is so vast and deep, I feel I could drown in it. I know others here can relate, and I am not asking for answers, just for someone to hear my pain. Thank you all for listening, and my heart goes out to all of you as well. I will struggle on. XXx Sister2
I, for one, hear you.
My darling wife would have felt for you too: she was the youngest of eight siblings, and went through the loss of all of them. Her Dad died when she was eight, and her Mum when she was 24.
My poor girl.
Dear Edwin
What an absolutely remarkable lady your lovely wife sounds to have been able to carry herself so courageously through all those losses. I don’t know you but from how you write it’s very clear that God chose to give her the gift of a wonderful Husband in yourself to help her along the way. I don’t mean to offend with the reference to God if you aren’t religious, but I’m sure you know what I mean. Kind regards.
Thank you, Tina, for your kind comments about Eileen. She was loved by many people, and she deserved far better than me as her life partner.
I take absolutely no offense about references to God. Eileen is buried in our village churchyard with the Christian symbol of a cross as her temporary grave marker. I pop into the church every day after tending her grave, to say a few words, always including thanks.
The first text that I received from anybody when news of her death was flashing around the world was a lovely, wholly appropriate quotation, in Arabic, from the Holy Qu’ran.
And on my daily visits, I follow the Jewish tradition of leaving a small stone on her grave. I think it’s a nice thing, and Jewish people have shown kindness to my family and me over the years. I always recall the mezuzah attached to the door jamb of her bed sitter where she lived before we married.
I hadn’t really thought about it, but I seem to have a lot of angles covered !
2 Likes
Edwin, your posts bring much comfort to the rest of us here…thank you…don’t doubt yourself because it seems to me that you and Eileen were mutually blesseed …as were we all. Take care.
Hi Sister2. It’s so hard isn’t it. To love someone so much then to lose them leaves a void that no thrtappy or support group or friend can fill. But they can help a little. In my experience (9 months on) there are some days when I feel a bit stronger, able to cope and even contemplate a time ahead without dread. Then bang, the next day I’m a teary, anxious, empty mess with, not feeling positive about anything. A description of grief in waves seems appropriate…they vary in strength and you’re not sure when one will sweep you off your feet.
You are heard here and people understand your pain. There are so many stories of how we landed up here, but here we are. One small step after another. Cry when you feel the need, smile when you are amused, go out or stay in as you prefer. Grief has no set rules or procedure.
Wishing you more better days. Xxxxxx
Deep in my psyche I don’t seem to have had any real change taken place. It’s not six months yet so that’s probably not surprising. It seems that my way of coping with that is to suspend thinking, as in meditation, or to divert thinking by distraction. My internal dialogue tells me not to stop and be introspective and to work on enjoying and being interested in whatever I am doing in that moment. It’s like a constant battle for my mind.
My coping strategies seem to work for longer but I know I’m just pretending most of the time. I try hard to put a positive spin on things and sometimes I succeed. I can even be enthusiastic and interested in some things and I’m glad about that, and don’t have a need to feel guilty.
Occasionally I dream about my wife and I don’t feel either good or bad about that, although it may increase my sense of loss. I think my sense of loss is now the dominant feature of my grief and it’s so much greater than any emotion I ever felt before. I don’t look at photos much because it just magnifies the problem and I’ve just left all her personal things as I don’t feel able to deal with them yet. I don’t take any comfort from touching her clothes or smelling her perfume. I feel like I’m torturing myself if I sit for long and think too deeply about my sense of loss, which, of course, is what I’m doing now.
It all seems such a waste of my life and that’s when I feel guilty, when I think how much my wife wanted to live as her life was slipping away.
This is the problem with having little on the calendar this week. Too much time to think.
I think it’s good to give yourself occasional thinking time YorkshireLad. I’m prone to profound ponderings as you probably are, given your background in psychology. For me, distraction works if only to allow me some slight relief from my grief but even then it never fully disappears. I’m a logical thinker. I’m a positive thinker. Both of which help with my acceptance and understanding. I too can be interested and enthusiastic about some things and I can enjoy myself but always, always, my husband is hovering. I went to a 40th birthday party last Saturday. These are the times I find difficult. So many couples. I found I could sing along with the music but no way could I let myself dance…
Which brings to mind a quote from Vivian Greene:
‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about learning to dance in the rain…’
1 Like
Hi Kate
I always get the impression that you know yourself quite well and that you have the ability to check out with yourself.
I think you are right as to how distraction is functional, as a bit of relief. I imagine it has a similar role to play as sleep in that it allows processing time. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a handheld remote control that would switch on and off parts of the brain.
Reading back what I wrote I think I was taking stock, a bit of Reality Bites in fact. I could see that would be a useful addition to a journal although it’s always difficult to compare one basket of words with another basket of words over time.
I do take heart that logical and positive thinking will be an essential advantage in the months to come.
I would see any excuse not to dance as something of a blessing.
I feel better for reading your words. Thanks.
I like that quote and it is raining here. It’s just the dancing bit that causes the real fear.
Thank you YorkshireLad. I am always interested to read your posts. As for the dancing, my husband was a rubbish dancer but it would have felt sooooo good to have a slow dance, to feel his arms around me…x
Hi
Margaret loved to dance and would drag me onto the dance floor although I never put up much of a fight. I also was at a party on Saturday night the first time since Margaret died and I spent hours trying to convince myself to go. I did go but nothing in this world could drag me onto that dance floor.
Take care William
Dancing… Feel the Fear and Avoid it Anyway.
I now think its one of several areas where I wished I’d tried harder.