Hello, I’ve just joined here. I have so much to say inside me, I just don’t know where to start. I’m been reading all your posts and am so sorry for all your losses, it’s true that nobody can understand what losing a spouse is like unless you’ve been through it. Friends and relatives try to be kind and thoughtful but they sometimes feel awkward and don’t know what to say, so I feel it may be more soothing and comforting to share my desperation on this site. I lost the love of my life after 25 years of marriage almost 18 months ago, but for me not one day has passed. I feel lost in time, I died too that day, the world is moving on but I am not. I feel worse every day, distraught, numb, unable to come to terms with it, I actually deny that it’s happened. He’s still here, he can’t be gone, not like that, so sudden, so unexpectedly, prematurely, that’s why I used this title for this thread, I am still in shock, just won’t, can’t acknowledge the fact that my soulmate is no longer here, we were one person, one soul, one mind, I feel like I have nothing inside me, I’m just a half person, an object, just a being who breathes and carries on for the sake of my kids.
Hi I’m sorry for your loss, I too feel exactly the same way after nine months, it seems unreal, how can it be ? It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, so hard to get up and begin the day I think is this my life now? joyless dull feeling but there are moments of a glimmer of hope seeing little robins in the garden, the doves swooping across the sky, waking at 3.33 maybe little signs and I’ve always had this knowing in my heart that he is ok wherever he is right from the day he died no more suffering, please know that you’re not alone we’re all walking this same sorrowful road together sending hugs x
Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss and your words have mirrored my thoughts and feelings exactly.
Ian passed away last June, only seven weeks after a terminal diagnosis. We had been told a year but that was not to be. We were together for over 40 years.
I too feel like half a person and have nothing left inside.
I still text Ian twice a day and that keeps me going.
It is just so hard that I just wish I could disappear at times.
I’m currently staying in Spain with my son and his family but he just won’t talk about his dad. I’ve tried but he just walked off so I am left feeling so isolated out here.
I fly back tomorrow and to be honest, I’m sure that will come as a welcome relief to all. I try to laugh and smile but inside, I’m dead.
Take care of yourself
Julie x
Hello @Solost, I read your post this morning but didn’t have time to reply before work. I am so sorry for your loss and can fully understand how you are feeling.
It has been 14 months since my husband died having been unwell for sometime. It wasn’t a total shock when he passed but it still doesn’t make the loss any easier. We have been together 47 years since I was 17yr and married for 44 years. I thought I was turning a corner but at the first anniversary and having covid at the same time, I seem to have gone crashing back to the beginning. I just feel so sad all the time and cry at the littlest thing.
I am lucky to have two very good friends one who lost her mum at the same time as Doug and the other whose husband died along time ago, they understand. Both our married children are supportive but they are grieving too.
I don’t think time makes any difference to the heartache, longing and yes you are right, a part of me died with Doug too. I sometimes look at his photo and just wanted to be transported back to another time, but I know that will never be and that makes me sad.
I hope you can get comfort from the many wonderful supportive people on this site, talking to others that really understand helps.
Debbie X
Hi Julie, reading your message made me wonder, I haven’t text Doug’s number in over a year, I’ve just tried it hasn’t bounced back so just maybe he has received it.
I think I had been so worried they had given his number to someone else after all this time and a stranger would reply.
I hope your son opens up to you one day soon, perhaps he is frightened once he starts talking the floodgates would open and he can’t deal with it. It must be very difficult for you, and I can understand your isolation and sadness, it’s hard work trying to put on a brave face.
It made me text my son this morning and ask him how he is really coping, he was very honest and is coming round for a cuppa and to talk tomorrow.
Safe journey home, and sending a hug .
Debbie X
Feel exactly same way 16month since love of my life passed we were married 44years together 48 years just can’t seem to go forward lv annie x x
It’s a long sad road we travel @Annie11, but we are all in it together and there for each other.
Sending hugs, Debbie X
I’m so sorry for your loss, for all our losses, that constant sadness and loneliness. I am coming up on 9 months since I lost my love, married for 19 years, together for 31. I know he is gone, that his chair is empty, but I still don’t believe it. How can someone so full of life, so much still to do and needed by his family be gone in an hour, just like that, no warning, just gone.
I go to work each day, the kids go to school, but it is nothing like normal, how I would kill to have normal again, to moan about work, things that needed doing round the house, what to cook, stupid things that meant so much.
I am haunted by that last hour and this never ending well of loneliness and sadness deep in my soul.
My kids get me up each day, and this forum, this support helps more than I can say x
Our children are married and we have grandchildren. But like you I still work. It’s hard isn’t it trying to keep a normal routine when everything in you life has changed in a moment.
I used to really enjoy my job now it’s just going through the motions, I go every day because I have to. I’m told it gives me surpose to work. Why is everyone around so normal when our lives are anything but.
We have each other and that keeps us going. Sending love and hugs, Debbie X
Typo purpose on surpose
Yes you are right I don’t even know what normal is anymore, it’s just existing, passing the days. I changed branch (high street bank) it was too painful going to my old one as I commuted in with my husband part of the way there and I can’t do that journey anymore. But it’s marking time, My dad said to me on the phone last week, well you have to start moving on, I was so angry I nearly hung up. I will never move on, my future has been snatched away, they don’t understand the utter devastation, only we do 
xx
I work in a secondary school, I’ve been there 27 years just 20 months to go until I retire.
It must have been so upsetting your dad said that, you have to be in our shoes to know. X X
Thank you for all your kind words. While reading your replies I just kept nodding my head, relating to everything you all said. I was really touched to hear all your sad stories, my heart goes out to you all and I understand perfectly what you’re all going through. I get annoyed too when my mum keeps telling me that life goes on, be strong for your kids, and so on. I am grateful I have my kids still living with me but we just don’t talk about our loss, it seems that talking about it would just make us feel worse and suffer even more. I’m just unable to acknowledge this tragedy that has come upon us.
I’m also haunted by that last hour of my husband’s life, it seemed like a bad case of indigestion. If only we’d realised he was having a heart attack. The ambulance doctor said nothing could have been done anyway, even if they’d arrived earlier. I’ll never know that for sure though, will I? Tormented with feelings of guilt.
I also miss complaining about everyday household jobs, cleaning up,cooking dinner,washing. I just want to find an isolated place somewhere where I can scream and scream without being heard, until I have no voice left.
I’m glad I’ve found this community where I can share my thoughts with you all who are unfortunately going through the same sorrow as I am.
A hug to everybody.
Hi Debbie
Thank you for your reply. I still pay for Ian’s mobile phone contract, it’s only £8 a month, so that is why I can still text him. He was never into fancy phones and expensive contracts like me.
I’m pleased that your son is coming around for a cuppa and a chat today. Perhaps one day, my son and I will have that relationship……
I’m all packed and ready to fly back this morning. My son and his family can get on with their lives, as they should, and I will have to pick up the wreckage of mine.
X Julie
Doug’s was pay as you go, and I haven’t topped it up. It’s safely stored in my memory box.
Safe journey home, deep breaths and on we go one day at a time.
Debbie X
I’m sitting here reading all your stories and I’m sobbing. I can relate to each and every one. I miss my husband so much, met at 17, together for 47 years and married for over 45. It’s been 9 months since he died under traumatic circumstances. I haven’t come to terms with many things but I’m trying to deal with them. My mum died 5 months before my husband and I sit here thinking how little I understood her pain and grief after my dad died.
I let the tears flow when no one is around and then take a deep breath and put my everyday face on. It’s tiring and hard but I don’t want sympathy or people to try and cheer me up. I just need to work through it in my own way.
I hope you all find moments of comfort and peace to sustain you as you carry on your journeys. Sending you all a great big hug from me.
and hugs 
to you to I lost my wife of 20 years ,just 8 months ago and I feel exactly the same as you .I wake up in a morning and for a second think she is there with me .
I have not changed anything in the house , her dressing gown is under her pillow , her shoes are where she left them and her flannel and tooth brush are still waiting for her to use them .
I cry several times a day at her loss xx
Morning Tim my husband passed 16month ago his slippers are still at side of bed it’s whatever it takes to get through lv annie x
Yes Tim it is a living hell, I’m so sorry for your loss.
My husbands work coat is hanging on the hook next to mine still, just as he put it the day before, his hat on the hook upstairs. I had to get my bathroom done last month as there was a leak, so his razor and toothbrush are on the shelf In my bedroom. It is so painful, I try to keep the tears at bay until night as I don’t want to upset the kids anymore than they are already, it’s like we exist in a vacuum xx