Hi all on this forum
Today was a day that again makes me know I’m on my own with out my soulmate .
It was a beautiful day out side so I thought I’ll cut the grass I walked to my husbands hut at the bottom of the garden and for the first time since he passed I opened the door and I just burst .
All his tools were he left them all his things that he made all the memories of him at the window waving out to me or shouting out for a tea telling me I wasn’t allowed in because I would clean it I sat on a wooden box and cried till I could hardly breath a hour later I was still sitting on a box .
Everyday seems to hold a new pain sorry for my wee rant .
Hi all on this forum
I understand completely where you are coming from, no wonder you are so upset. I hope you are feeling more settled now, for a while at least.
Dear Lily, I am so sorry, every single day becomes a battle we have to get through, every time I go in the garage I think I ought to get started on clearing out some stuff but I just can’t face it, so I close the door and come out. I have made a decision and think to myself, why the heck should I break my heart over and over again by sorting things out like lawn mowers, hedge trimmers etc. when I now pay a gardener to do things for me. I am leaving it where it is and my sons can sort it out when I die, they will get enough money from my house to pay someone to come with a skip and do it for them.
We have enough heartache day in and day out by just getting out of bed every morning to nothing. Eating alone, sitting in the garden alone, so enough is enough. Our sons said to me a few weeks ago that I should really clean the garage out, get someone in they said, or get a skip and do it yourself they said, it will pass the time for you they said. I could cheerfully have cut off their bits with the garden shears. Is this what my life has become, cleaning out our garage to pass the time.
I want to walk on the beach, holding hands with my husband, sit in the garden having afternoon tea and nattering about all sorts of things. I want to go into town and bring him home some liquorice torpedoes, his favourite railway magazine and a box of cream cakes for our tea. I want him to ask me if I had enjoyed my afternoon out, he will have been watching sport on the television, Saturday was the only afternoon I went to town on my own as he absolutely hated walking round when it was busy and trying to find a car parking place as our bus service was terrible so he watched television until I got home.
Then he started being ill and our lives fell apart around us.
Nothing will ever be the same, it can’t be. Whilst everyone has moved on we are in limbo, not alive but not dead, just getting through each day as best we can. I never, ever, for one moment thought this would be my life as I got old, but it is and I am stuck with it.
I sometimes think Peter was the lucky one, not having to face the rest of his life alone, then I think, perhaps if he had been a fit man he would have coped better than I have because he had so much in common with our sons, football, all kinds of sport, cars, any kind of transport, politics, they used to talk for hours on the 'phone. They wanted me when they needed something doing or wanted something, but it was always their dad they had long conversations with, they always brought their new cars to show him and take him for a ride in them and they asked his opinion on everything. It was an all male household, even the dog, cat, tortoise and budgie were males, I never stood a chance.
A sunny day today, I rang my daughter in law on Sunday and asked her if she would like to meet up with our baby grandson who is 11 weeks for afternoon tea and she said she would love to.
Please take care.
Hi to you both
Thank you for you kind thoughts I know we are all in this horrendous journey it just feels like every time I turn round there is something new to make me fall to my knees like you both and everyone on the forum I want the only person who New me inside out back and I know that isn’t going to happen .
I sound like a child asking for something they can’t have saying it’s not fair .
I fell so frightened with the thought that this is it my life is now this horrendous journey with no one to hold me or make me laugh or just talk I felt beautiful happy outgoing safe greatly loved because I was loved by a truly beautiful loving man and now I feel old frightened and unsure of my self .
The tears flow again my heart is just so broken as I know we are all grieving for the one we love .
I’m sorry this is such a mournful rant .
Thinking of you all
Rant away, I can understand how upsetting this was for you. We just think the everyday activities will never change and it’s when they do you feel so powerless take care x
Hello again Lily. Don’t be sorry for the rant. I had a colossal rant at about 3am this morning on another thread and wondered if I had dreamt writing it when I awoke. I hadn’t, but the pain has to come out at some point, holding it in is like sweeping water uphill. Yes, we do feel old, frightened and vulnerable and in a way “detached”. I definitely agree. I hope today treats us both, and everyone else - kindly and gentle. Tina.
Do you know Lily the comment about your husband making you feel beautiful is so true. I too was loved and that made me the most confident person you could ever meet, my husband made me think I could conquer the world, but now I too feel old, frightened and so unsure of myself. My tears are also never far away.
Perhaps one day as the years roll by, we will get our self confidence back, because goodness knows where mine has gone since my husband died.