I lost my lovely Dad at the beginning of February having lost my Mum two years ago. It has hit me very hard. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted and I’m struggling to do much of anything except for basic self care and going to work. My husband is keeping up with the jobs around the house as I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything. I have short bursts of energy and sometimes manage to achieve small tasks but can’t seem to maintain this for any length of time.
Has anyone else experienced similar? Does anybody have any suggestions for how I can overcome this apathy?
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Ducky5. I think your apathy is part of the grieving process. I say this because my beautiful mam passed away on the 21st of March. We had lived together for 60 years. I miss her so much. I took early retirement and although we have always lived together, I was caring for mam who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. I miss our routine and our simple life. Ours was a small world, but we had each other.
Now I am on my own for first time in 60 years. I don’t know where to turn. I look at the world when I am out and think it is okay for them. I feel as if I am in a fog all of the time. I get angry that mam isn’there anymore. Not angry with mam, but angry with the world. I can empathise with you, but like you, I wish somebody had an answer for us.
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Hello Ducky5, I experienced physical exhaustion. I described mine as fatigue. It was not immediately after my Mum died, but about 2 months afterwards. Like Stephen65, Mum and I lived together our whole lives. I am 53. I had the motivation and kept busy at the start, but felt ‘wiped out.’ I had to keep sitting down and had extreme fatigue. I am generally a healthy person. I had not returned to work at the time so I knew that it couldn’t be that and getting up early. I had a few other strange symptoms. I went to my GP. They put it down to grief. I had to request a further appointment and insist that it wasn’t just grief and that I needed a blood test. My ferritin levels (iron) were extremely low and I needed iron tablets the first time in my life. They are putting it down to a tough year that caused the drop. I also cared for my uncle (who died recently), Mum and worked. I feel much better now that I am on these. They do say grief and the emotional impact can cause exhaustion. I described how I felt to my GP that it was like I had been working on adrenalin and as it dropped I was ‘wiped out.’ It sounds like yours is related to grief, but always worth speaking to your GP even if to ensure that you are looking after yourself. Someone recommended on this forum that I visited my GP and I am pleased that I did.
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Stephen65
So sorry that your mum has passed away and that you are on your own for the first time in 60 years. My husband died last Saturday from cancer. He and I had known each other for 52 years, (50 of these married), and I too know the pain of the abrupt severance of a relationship with another person that has existed for more than half a century, It really is impossible to put into words. I feel that my world has been destroyed and feel a fear and anxiety close to terror. I cannot believe that I will never again see the man who has been my almost constant companion for 50 years. To make matters worse, I am in the house alone with our male lodger. When he moves around upstairs it makes me crave my husband’s presence. A few short weeks ago, he too was upstairs and I was reassured by the familiar noise of his presence there. I too have outbursts of anger. It is not a fault in you, even less is it mental illness, it is just how grief can manifest itself. Why. oh why are we ever born to suffer like this???
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Dear Redveg. I am sorry to hear about the sad loss of your beloved husband of well over half a century. It is difficult. I have waves of crying. Not just crying, but making my chest and throat sore with crying out at the injustice of life. My mam has been passed away three weeks this Saturday and it isn’t long since your husband passed.
I wonder at times why all the good people get taken? My mam’s smile lit up a room. She was so kind, caring and patient. Like you, I don’t know how I am going to go forward from here. People say time is a great healer, but that isn’t any comfort to either of us in the early days of the passing of such a beloved person in our lives. My neighbour in passing this morning said that I should think of how lucky I am to have had my beautiful mam in my life 60 years. I agreed with her, but in my heart I just kept thinking she should still be here. God bless and feel free to keep in touch. Best wishes: Stephen
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Take care of yourself everyone. I lost my Mother 3 years ago and my husband 2 years ago. Physically I am exhausted having to do all the jobs myself now,but I find the deep sadness and emotional trauma is far worse. To be honest I don’t think grief is something you just get over like a dose of flu , but something you slowly you learn to live alongside.
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Thank you. I think I will go and see my GP as your symptoms ring a bell with me. Will ask for my iron levels to be tested.
Thank you and sending you all my best wishes. Stephen
Absolutely agree. Someone said to me that I had lived with Mum for all my life, so the relationship will always be there - it is the closeness of the relationship, the unconditional love. Although my Mum died almost 6 months ago, I can’t bear to think that I won’t see her again in this life. When I think about my Mum I feel the emotion in my chest and cry. It is when I suddenly wake in the night that I realise that my Mum isn’t here. Certain things trigger - walking past the bench in a park that Mum and I used to sit on together, jellied eels that my eye catches in the supermarket, certain chocolate bars on the shelf. I see them and think of Mum and realise that I used to buy them for her and she isn’t here. It is a sorrow that I unhealthily suppress as it is too painful to feel - I miss my Mum.
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Beryl1B, It is also being able to share thoughts and talk through things with the person who understands you.
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Stephen65
4 days on from my husband’s passing I am getting sick to the back teeth when they refer to being grateful for “memories”, or saying that “time is a great healer”. The first appears to tick us off for wanting the person we love back in their physical body. “Memories” are a poor substitute. The second that somehow we should not be feeling the rawness of our grief today because tomorrow things will (presumably) be better. I understand that when it comes to death and bereavement it is difficult to find the right word or phrase, but nevertheless people could just pause to consider the effect of their words on the bereaved person. When my husband was around just a few months ago, he was my constant companion, now I have nothing, and I guess you are in a similar situation with your mum. I do not like my own company and find the prospect of lonely evenings and nights up until my own demise, probably some years from now, really daunting.
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I totally agree with you redveg. I always took mam to the toilet in the night. She didn’t always shout, but I could hear her. I am a light sleeper. I find myself when I wake in the night listening for mam, so I can take her to the loo. I wake up on a morning and think for a second, I will get mam out of bed. This morning I thought I heard her shouting Stephen. It sounds silly, but up until mam’s passing I never watched the telly on my own. We liked the same shows . I have started having my meals on the table in the dining room. I set a place for mam and talk to her. I try all sorts to make my life without mam easier. It helps a bit but I cannot believe that I won’t ever see her again. Stephen
Completely understand your feelings re all the unhelpful comments people make. That is why chatting on here is so good because we know that we all really understand the agony we are all going through. I suppose some people just don’t know what to say to you. I have noticed people I know well cross the road rather than have to face me, which is equally hurtful.
Take care and keep chatting on here. It really does help you feel supported and understood.
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Thanks Beryl1B. A good idea to chat on here for support. I always cry a lot when I first get up. Best wishes: Stephen
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