5.30am i am up and about, and having my firs cry of the day and talking out loud of my choices in my various options, the types of accommodations ( my isolation, my loneliness, my loss of my partner Richard, my age 68 and my MS disability, my safety ) and i keep crying out that all i want is my-our old life back, our house, our-my lovely back garden, my three dogs, the loves of my life, and of course my Richard, just like once it used to be, yes it has all gone now, all in the past ) i dont want a retirement apartment block, no matter how luxurious inside they are, but i am needing the company, things they offer to do, and the safety, i am now facing the end of my life after having it all and everything i ever needed, this best part of my life is now over and this is tearing me apart that all i have now is the possibility of being amongst strangers who will eventually become my new found friends when all i want is a partner a hubby, the one i have had for the past 20 years…I am not going to be looking forwards to this new single life, even knowing i will be one of many in a retirement block, no matter how grand some of these blocks can be, i would still like my dream of a thatch cottage, a bungalow with a back garden, a dog, dogs…Me and Richard almost had our-my dream apart from it being a bungalow or cottage, hence why we moved from our forever house due to my MS diagnoses, but oh how i cry that i want this all back again…if only…Well now i have come to the final story of my life, the final chapter, the final page, this is it now, the end of my book, our book, Mine and Richards book…I never realised how sudden and quickly my life was to change…One minute it is me and my Richard, then another minute is is just me, we just never see this coming…our whole 20 years of life is now over…
Jackie…
Hi. Jackie.
I have just replied to your other post about morbid thoughts, and this post reinforces my belief. I am older than you and while I don’t have a health issue I am not going to give up and say it’s all over. No way! That is a policy of despair.
We can so easily talk ourselves into feeling that way until it becomes a habit. There may often be some consolation in suffering.
We are all in a hole which is so difficult to climb out of. But the old saying comes to mind. ‘When in a hole stop digging’. I know too well how easy it is to say and so difficult to do. I’m certain Richard would not want you feeling as you do. We get thrown back on ourselves and have to rely on our own strength, and while we can get so much help from others, it comes down in the end to us and how much of that help we use. Blessings.
My dear Jackie, I have only just found your message so sorry for being late in replying. Jonathan is so right we mustn’t give up on life it is so precious. Like you I can feel lost and alone and wonder what life has to offer me but I feel the need to grab at life with both hands. There is just no point in remembering our past life and wishing for it again. We have to look to the future and make the best of what we have.
For years my life revolved around my horses, I had land and stables, my horses, dogs all over the place as I took in anything that needed help including other pets. Noah’s Ark. My last marriage broke up and everything went with it. I had to start all over again. Do I think about those days, of course I do but I accept that they have gone. I too wanted a cottage with land and I got it for a while but it brought me no happiness, we soon moved.
Please don’t dread your new home, it could well make you contented again. There are some nice places with lovely communal gardens, other people for company and hopefully easy access to amenities. You will gain your independence again. It’s a change Jackie and not what you dreamt of, but a thatch cottage could well be a lot of hard work. Idyllic I agree but not practical.
We are all with you Jackie and look forward to seeing you find that new home.
Take care
Pat
A future with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is not much of a future to look forwards to…this interfered with both, ( myself and my Richards ) lives,…even he could- would not go to places that i could not go with him to…yes we once had an enjoyable life together, the places we would go to, the Stately Homes, the tented Craft Shows, the National Garden Schemes Open Gardens…We were robbed short of our retirement years together after working all our working lives…
Richard was - is, all i had, now i have no one…no family on either side who care about me, even my Richard knew that, that he was all i had…not his fault he is now gone, he would not have left me for the world…20 years all been wiped out apart from the good memories which i shall cherish till the die i die, when my time is up which i know wont be too long…even then his ashes are now back home, ( Bedfordshire ) and sadly my ashes will not be with his, he is with his brother and parents, i allowed his sister ( 83 ) to do this as i know deep down this was Richards wishes…as he had given up on life once we moved here to Dorset, why oh why did i take him away, why of why did i ever move here, i thoroughly regret what i done…Neither of us had any connection here in Dorset neither of us belonged here…I am so so angry with myself, i have only myself to blame, my own stupidness, my own idiocy…Now of course with a move in the pipeline, i dont even know where i belong, and i certainly dont belong to anyone…I have never felt so alone and so frightened…no Richard, no three dogs, all have gone, one by one, it is just me left…this is now a frightening and lonely world…
Jackie…
My dear Jackie, how I wish I could come to you at these times. I feel your despair. It’s a frightening life that many of us now face and you are being tested to the very limit. Do you talk to the Samaritans and there is another help line but at this moment I can’t remember what it’s called.
I know exactly what you mean about moving to a place that turns out to be a disappointment. I mentioned a cottage with land and stables that we moved to. My dream place, or so I thought. It was isolated and the locals didn’t accept outsiders in those days. I had no phone and my husband worked away a lot of the time, my daughter was a toddler and I was expecting my son. It was a nightmare place and we left after 2 years when we was broken into and two of my dogs were shot. I knew who had done it but the police could prove nothing. I gathered my children up and got out. Some moves are just not what we expect. You will get away from this place and perhaps then you can see a more positive approach to life with hopefully more support.
Thinking of you
Pat
oh Jackie - I can only imagine how hard all this is for you…except for your health issue, our living situations are quite similar. This is a very hard battle, but one that you have to win … you have to win it for yourself. Don’t let despair dwell within - it crushes the spirit that is so tenaciously holding on. I didn’t know where to go, or why, or how could I do this ? I cried and just wanted a place I could call home and feel safe & secure. I was frozen and couldn’t decide or make a move. Circumstances forced me to decide, and didn’t allow the luxury of a new locale. Oct 31 I posted an ad locally, got a response and have been here since the 15th.
It is a frightening & lonely world, and if I lived closer I would come to visit and help you move. I’m quite good at the moving part - this is my 6th move in less than 5 years…good luck to you - you can do this!!!