My beloved elderly father passed away 5 days ago.
The last time I saw him I was mean.to.him .
I can’t cope with myself
I.just want one.more day with him.
Oh I am sorry that’s so difficult when someone dies and we feel bad about how things were in the relationship…regret is such an unpleasant feeling but unfortunately it’s a common reaction in grief from what I’ve read on here and in my own experience it has been devastating because I had stopped seeing my father just a few months before he died and was on the verge of contacting him when he died…I still cannot forgive myself
This isn’t helpful for you really but I do know how it can feel.
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I totally understand where you are coming from. I cared for my father despite my own health issues which took a big toll on physical and mental health. My father wouldn’t allow carers or outside help, he relied and depended on me and I felt resentful towards him especially in the past couple of years. I would shout and berate him for making a mess etc although he couldn’t help it.
It became a vicious cycle of me trying to overcompensate to help him, shouting at him, then feeling guilty and sorry BUT it was out of love. I resented the fact he wouldn’t accept carers which would have made his life easier, giving him a better quality of life and me a little peace of mind. I worried about him constantly 24/7 and I felt so helpless and hopeless watching him suffer, it was heartbreaking 
. Mean things were said in the heat of moments and I feel terribly guilty too but we’re only human and feelings and thoughts in these situations do become heated and irrational.
Like my father, your father will have known it was from frustration and that you tried your best, the fact you were there for him, he knew you loved him.
We need to stop beating ourselves up, we probably cared too much. Healing prayers to you 
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My dad passed away June 2019 following a 3 year battle from Alzheimers but sepsis got him in the end. I feel as if i havent grieved tho i loved him so very much. I still think he is in hospital and will return home soon. This past 2 weeks ive seen a man at my bus stop who is the image of dad in every way. Im always at the bus stop alone. He doesnt talk like dad but physically is. It scared me initiallly but im ok now. I dont believe in ghosts etc . My life has been so hard since and me and mum are still not sleeping right through night. Should i be grieving ?
It sounds like you’ve convinced your mind that your father is in hospital and your brain has accepted this as true to your belief therefore it may be preventing the process of grief.
The mind is very powerful and it may be that you feel if you accept your dad’s gone, you won’t be able to cope with the permanent loss. Many people use this strategy, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with loss, we’re all unique.
Sending you and your mum healing prayers and loving light 
Thank you. Any suggestions what to do ? To move on ?
I would suggest bereavement counselling if you haven’t already had any, maybe speaking to a professional and processing it will enable you to accept it and if experience painful feelings and thoughts, the counsellor will be able to help you work through them.
I feel I never grieved when my mum passed away 25 years ago as I focused on looking after my dad but since he passed 4 weeks ago, I’m left with a tremendous sense of emptiness and loss for the both of them.
I can’t face going to his house anymore as I know it’s empty. I’ve reached out for bereavement and grief counselling but services aren’t available until ar least 3 months from my dad’s passing.
Thanks verymuch. Will look in to this.
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