Feel like a failure...

Hi. This is new to me, but felt it was time to talk…

My Mum died two and a half years ago. From diagnosis (brain aneurysm) to death was three weeks. It was very harrowing and I was single and completely alone at the time dealing with it. I’ve never felt so alone…

I have a Sister, but we don’t get along. She’s bullied me my whole entire life. She wasn’t there for me during this time at all, at the hospital she blanked me despite my being there alone with no support. She made things significantly worse when trying to sort out Mum’s affairs and actually accused me of stealing things from Mum’s house, my childhood home since the age of ten. Whenever we were at the house together she would make me feel uncomfortable, would put me down at any given opportunity and made me feel very angry. I never once lost my temper or spoke back to her, but several times I had to walk out and leave to avoid it.

She wouldn’t let me contribute to the funeral service, wouldn’t allow me to keep hardly anything of Mum’s, wouldn’t even negotiate on where Mum’s ashes were to go. I know Mum would have wanted to be with the rest of her family at the Crematorium and I suggested this to my Sister, but she made the unanimous decision to take her ashes and scatter them in places unknown so I don’t even have anywhere to go and visit Mum to talk to her.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and I feel like such a failure because I’ve not been able to come to terms with Mum’s death and all that followed. I clearly haven’t dealt with any of it yet. I feel I should be able to talk about Mum by now without breaking down, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to have any contact now with my Sister and have no interest in doing so ever again.

It’s on my mind that at some point my Dad will inevitably die and I’ll have to go through this all again. I’m married now and have a very supportive husband and I know he won’t allow her to treat me like this next time round. I know I shouldn’t be even thinking about Dad dying as he’s fit and well, but I can’t help it.

Dear TwiggyDoo, I am so very sorry for what you have been through and for the loss of your mum. There is a saying, you can choose your friends but not your relatives and it is so true, just because you are related does not mean that you will get on or be the best of friends. You were there for your mum when she was in hospital and you should take comfort from that. Even though you have no idea where your mum’s ashes are scattered it was more important that you were there for her when she was alive. Does your dad know where your mum’s ashes were scattered, how on earth could your family allow her to do what she has done without confronting her. You now have a loving husband who will stand by your side if and when anything happens to your dad so lean on him. Try and put the past behind you and live your life to the fullest, don’t let your sister spoil the rest of your life, she sounds a very unhappy woman who enjoys ruining other peoples lives. Your mum knew you loved her, so just put a photograph of her on a shelf, always have a small bouquet of her favourite flowers next to it and on her birthday light a candle. Forget about your sister and move on with your life with your family. Your sister isn’t worth a moment of your thoughts and time. Take care, Sheila xxxx

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Thank you Sheila, that’s very kind and I’ll take your advice. Mum and Dad split up years ago and my Sister wouldn’t allow either him or any of his side of the family to come to the funeral or be involved in any way…

Hello TwiggyDoo, it sounds as if your sister bears a lot of anger from when your mum and dad split up and it has distorted her way of thinking, she didn’t even give you or other relatives the chance to make their own decisions about your mum’s funeral as she doesn’t seem to have accepted what happened. Life is too short for anger, we are on this earth just the once and it is up to us to live our lives as best we can. God knows how I wish I could go back and do it all again, there are so many things I would do if I knew then what I know now. But the only thing I would never change and that is meeting my husband all those years ago and having our wonderful family, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Live your life to the full but let your sister live her life the way she wants to, not letting go of the past. I know you will have a life full of love with your husband knowing you did all you could for your mum when she was alive and that is all anyone can ask for. Best wishes to you and your family. Sheila xxxx

Very sorry for your loss Sheila…

Thank you very much and I hope you are taking care of yourself. Leave your sister to live her life in misery and don’t be dragged down by her. Be as happy as you possible can be, live and love each day as if it was your last on this earth, that way you will never have any regrets. Best wishes. Sheila xx