Hi this is my first Post here. Last year in July 2025 my dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. The very next day I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer. I started chemo and two weeks after my first chemo my dad passed away surrounded by myself, my siblings and my mum. I’ll never forget seeing how skeletal he was. My dad was always such a strong healthy man and one of the nicest and kindest people I’ve ever known. As anyone who has lost someone they love dearly will understand this has hit the family hard. I ended up going through 8 rounds of chemotherapy myself and surgery to remove my tumour. My tumour turned out to be a lot larger than anticipated and the cancer had spread to some lymph nodes which meant another surgery to remove my lymph nodes. During my treatment and the immediate aftermath of my dad passing close friends rallied around for which I was so grateful for. I’ve just started 8 years of hormone blocking medication and I’m about to start radiotherapy. I thought the chemo side of things was behind me but I’ve been told last week that I’ll be having a year of a targeted chemo starting 28th August every three weeks. I’ve known for a while that my mood isn’t right and I’ve been feeling low but I’ve put that down to everything that’s happened over the past year. Just lately though I’m finding that I feel so much worse. My dad’s death is hitting me harder than ever. I miss him so much and cry frequently. It’s as if he’s only just passed but he’s been gone nine months. I’m on antidepressants. Myself and my partner have friends who has a friend with pancreatic cancer who sadly doesn’t have much time. We’ve met up with our friends a few times and on a couple of occasions they have spoken about their visits to the hospital to their other friend. When they describe how poorly this person is I’m taken right back to my dad. Last week we was all sitting together in the pub beer garden and the conversation came up. I luckily had sun glasses on because my eyes started welling up and I was repeating in my head don’t cry don’t cry and trying my best to not fall apart in a pub beer garden with other people around. I didn’t speak because I knew if I did my voice would shake and I would cry and the last thing I want is to turn attention to myself and make the conversation about myself. This particular friend also has a pretty warped sense of humour which he admits to. Before I had cancer I was able to give as good as I got and could take the mickey being taken out of me. Since all this though I just don’t seem to be able to take these jokes. For example when we got the results that my cancer was successfully removed my partner phoned him with the news and he said “ Good maybe now she’ll shut up about it" and last weekend at the pub I had a very red bloodshot eye which suddenly started feeling really sore. I asked my partner if it was still red and the friend said “who the f*CK cares". I know he doesn’t mean anything horrible but for some reason these comments are landing different with me at the moment. Yesterday my partner saw this friend and he asked my partner what’s up with me. My partner said I’m finding the joking comments hard at the moment. He stated that he would never intentionally say anything horrible which my partner said we know he wouldn’t. The friend then stated that when they mentioned their ill friend that I went quiet and didn’t say anything. They said it was awkward and they felt I didn’t have any empathy and it pissed them off. My partner told me this and I’m devastated as that couldn’t be further from the truth. I messaged the friend and explained that there was a misunderstanding. I stated that I really didn’t mean to appear uncaring and I actually care very much. I explained that my dad’s death is hitting me much harder at the moment and when they brought up and described their friend my mind was taken right back to my dad and I was fighting to hold the tears back and hold myself together because I don’t want the attention suddenly on me when it’s not about me. I explained that I’m currently waiting for counseling and that at the moment i feel more depressed than I have ever felt. I feel awful that I’ve offended our friend as that’s the last thing I ever wanted. I care more than they realize. I still feel like I’m in the thick of cancer treatment myself and scared for my future. I’ve seen my gp and now on sertraline and waiting for counseling because I feel I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me and will just let me offload everything and help me make sense of it all. I miss my dad so much and need him more than ever. Right now I feel like a horrible person. I sent the message to our friend explaining everything two days ago. They have read it but not replied. I had these same friends help when we needed to shave my hair off because I love them dearly and I just feel horrible.
Dear Tracey my heart goes out to you. I can’t understand how people can be so insensitive, with everything you have been through with your father and now what you are dealing with. It’s all very well to have a warped sense of humour but you also have to care about your friend’s feelings and put limits to what you say. I imagine they will come round especially after you have bent over backwards to explain everything.
I hope your treatment goes well and you are giving space and time to grieve your father. Thinking of you and sending hugs
Wishing you all the best Tom
@TraceyH70 Sounds as if everyone is on edge. I think you are amazingly brave, you have been through so much, and it still continues. You are not a horrible person, you understandably have your own situation on your mind. Put those “friends” out of your mind if you can. I am glad you have a partner. I hope he is supportive. You’re grieving your dad and trying to survive, and doing a great job! Take care! Cindy 
Hello TracyH70, im so sorry for everything you are going through, the loss of your dad im sure is still very painful for you..and what you are going through with you own health concerns 
my heart truly goes out to you…I don’t think you should concern yourself about what this so called friend thinks about how you reacted, a good friend would notice that ,that sort of news about a friend would deeply bother you , worry about yourself and get better, take care of yourself and may God comfort you during these difficult times,
Thank you. I’m just devastated that they thought I had no empathy because that’s really not me. I know I was silent and didn’t say anything but I was truly choked up. I knew if I spoke I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears and no way did I want the attention on me. I just hope now that I’ve messaged them with my explanation they are able to view it from a different perspective and realize my silence didn’t come from a bad place.
So sorry for your loss. Your partner’s friend has no sense of decorum at all especially after what you’ve been through. Even if you hadn’t lost your dad and then had gruelling cancer treatment the comments would have been inappropriate. You’ve reached out to him and that’s very generous of you given your circumstances
Don’t be so hard on yourself , you’re coping with loss, grief and serious illness. Concentrate on those burdens just now. Don’t worry about insensitive people. You have enough to deal with. Hope you find some peace soon. Take care.
Thank you