Feel more alone now after 7 months

I’ve watched this forum for the last 6 months, a month after I lost my husband. And it’s helped me to understand what I’m going through and to realise I’m not alone in my thoughts and emotions . I don’t feel ready to talk but I’m getting there . I feel so alone but I know there are so many people, carrying on, walking around , putting on brave face , my heart breaks, wish I could pick them out and give th a hug x

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I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I’m glad that reading this site has been a support to you all these months and I know it can be a big step to make your first post so I just wanted to let you know that someone had read what you’d written. As you know, there are many other users here who have lost their husbands or wives, so you should get some more replies and support before long.

Dear Dongle
I lost my lovely husband in May - so it has been 8 months for me. It was sudden and unexpected and I am not sure if I have accepted it yet. I miss him every day and cry over the silliest things. I went back to work after three months and that has helped me more than anything as it distracts me from thinking about what I have lost and the future we no longer have. Even now I make myself list of things to do on the days I don’t work. So today my list is all about cleaning the house. I cried this morning because I looked at the one of the Christmas presents he bought me last year - my heated rollers - and realised they would never go in the bin even when they don’t work any more! And then I thought how funny he would find that - but it is often the little things that hit home. If you are able to talk to someone who really understands it does help. I have friends I have met through this forum and we talk and text everyday. I did not want counselling - my friends have been all I have needed as they truly understand what it is to lose their partners. Grief is individual and we will all find ways of coping but only those who have lost their partners realise how different it is from the grief of losing a parent. We expect to be with our partners for ever - when in reality there is at some point always one that is left behind. Please continue to post - it really helps.
Take care xxx

Yes, you are not alone. Take your time in coping with your grief. I was told yesterday it was time I moved on but it’s only been 9 weeks today since I lost my fiancé and it hurts more and more. Some say it gets worse till it gets better. I will never move on but I hope to one day learn to live with it. I break down daily and want to shut myself away sometimes too. I am waiting for counselling as people around me don’t know what to say or do. I’m told routine helps but it’s just adjusting to one without him. I’m trying to finish his Christmas present for him, I know I can’t give it to him which may make me silly but I just want to do it anyway.

Hi all , it will be 7 mths on 25.12.19 , since my world fell apart, suddenly losing my soul mate of 30yrs at only aged 44 . Life has been a rollercoaster some days find loads to do to stop me thinking other days, struggling to concentrate, over working at work and dreading going home. Feeling like everyone sees this person whos now coping , but scratch the surface and it all falls apart , crying myself to sleep and feeling so alone. Absolutely dreeding christmas would rather hibernate till after new year. Strange how in my head its like yesterday but how the time goes is frightening. I know in my heart he will be missing me as much as i miss him and that keeps me going. I think the 2nd hardest thing is finding structure and some kind of routine, finding balance to juggle daily living and work. Its hard to think so many people, we are all consumed with grief , memories and love . God bless us all and our loved ones . X

I think we are all dreading Christmas and am not sure how we will get through it. I know what you mean about time - it seems a lifetime but it also seems like yesterday and I don’t know where the last months have gone. Something happens every day that upsets us - often the silliest things. I threw so much stuff out yesterday that has gone out of date and it brought it home how long it has been since we cooked together and life was normal - but how short that time seems too. Today I shampooed the sofa and as I cleaned it I felt sad and guilty and nearly did not clean the arm of the sofa where he always sat - I did in the end but it was a close call. I miss him and I feel sad for him too. I seem to work longer hours, dread the journey home but what is there to go home for? I have the routine - but not the joy. I hope the joy returns one day to our lives.
xx

Hi All. Feeling alone. confused, even frightened seems to be all part of the grieving process as we are all finding out. Our loss seems to have happened yesterday yet it also seems a lifetime away. I have a routine, a busy routine but like you say Trisha there is no real joy. I try, I really do. I try to be cheerful and chatty and really do think that this helps. It works for me anyway but inside me is that ache. I am starting to find the mornings when I first wake up a struggle and this has never been a problem in the past always being an early riser. Now I would just like to bury my head into the pillows and sure I would stay there all day if my dogs didn’t need my attention. It’s good that we can all ‘talk’ about our feelings, we know that we are not alone in this hardest of journeys, so thankyou my friends you are all lifesavers even when struggling with your own sorrow. xxxxx

last Christmas was the first without Alan, in our home, Christmas didn’t happen, no tree, no decorations no cards up, nothing. the meal I made for our son and daughter was like a Sunday lunch, we played monopoly fir three hours afterwards. Didn’t even switch the TV on, it was only the day after that it occurred to me. I really couldn’t celebrate Christmas without Alan, we finally had our Christmas dinner on his birthday in February and we had everything he loved.

the thing is, there’s no rules you have to abide by, you do what is best for you and your immediate family, it doesn’t matter if it isn’t in keeping with members of extended families, it is what us right for you at the time.

this year I’m facing my second Christmas without my husband, I have put the tree up, not used all the baubles, wept as I put the angel on the top, took me at least 8 or 9 attempts to get her to stay put, she was Alan’s job, it is a tradition I didn’t want to ignore. I’ve not decorated the window but have put the wreath on the front door. still taking baby steps. when I.look at the tree now it brings a warmth to me yet at the same time confirmation that he’s not here now and I am now faced with travelling this new road towards a different life.

this second tear in some respects is slightly easier that last year, but it amplifies the empty chair at the table, our children have planned this Christmas and we’re to have christmas dinner on Christmas eve at our sons, I’m to prepare an early evening buffet in Christmas Day, and our daughter is preparing an early evening dinner on Boxing Day. so this year us different to Christmas’s past tet singer way of coping, oh, I’m still buying the various joints of meat for each meal, well that’s what mum’s are for
truly feel that whatever you choose to do will be the best for you, don’t be pressured into doing the things others feel you ought to do, as I mentioned earlier, it is all about what feels best for you.

truly and sincerely hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen ☆
ps have read through but may have missed the odd typo so apologies in advance ☆

yes Trisha, it us very true what you say about it being different when we lose a partner to losing parent or a child. it’s not any easier but it is s different grief and until you have lost a partner you cannot know how it feels. I know how our children feel losing their father because I have been through it when I lost my dad, I didn’t know how my mum felt when my dad passed but I do now i have lost Alan, each loss is personal and emotionally different for each of us, I couldn’t comment on how someone feels who have lost a son or daughter, likewise someone who hasn’t got a partner cannot possibly know how I and everyone else who’ve lost partners feel. how can they, our grief if completely different theirs.

it does help talking to others who have lost partners, they know what we’re going though , not long after Alan passed, maybe 5 weeks or so, a friend messaged me to offer condolences and added that she knew exactly what I was going through because she has just gone through the same thing, when I offered my condolences on the loss of their partner, she snapped back that he hadn’t passed away, it was her mother who had, I said sorry then added that she hadn’t a clue what I was going through and I felt angry that she could even remotely think she knew because she didn’t, and this is the difference. I’m not saying they’re not grieving, what I am saying is as you Trisha have said, it IS different .

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

All I can speak of is my own experiences of loss. My Grandparents who I was close to, my parents and then a year ago my beloved husband and each loss was completely different. Every member of my family died suddenly and unexpected (except for age) I was not with them, but Brian was long and drawn out. I watched him slowly deteriorate and suffer terribly, it broke my heart although I did my best to care for him throughout, so for me the loss of Brian was traumatic and he left me a shell of a person. With the loss of the rest of my family I grieved and I still grieve but I have to say it didn’t destroy me. I thought I was able to cope, after all I had lost other members of my family and gone through two divorces and survived but nothing could have prepared me for the way I feel now with the loss of my soulmate and now all alone. Oh I do have family but no one can replace that person that is by your side throughout each day. However I am determined to face each day and find another life but my Brian will always be in my heart. I can’t comment on losing a child, I can’t imagine such heartache but as it has been said non of us know how a loss of any member of our family will affect us. We are struggling together on this heartbreak journey and hopefully giving each other strength.
God bless you all
Pat

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