Feel numb and angry

I lost my grandad yesterday. I still don’t feel like it’s real. I feel like when I go to my nana and grandads house I’ll still see him sat in his chair. I hate using the past tense to describe him. I’m feeling so angry at everyone around me and I don’t know why. People keep telling me that he wouldn’t want me to be sad or angry, but he would want me to feel the way I feel. Just let me be.

I genuinely understand that people grieve in their own way but if I hear one more person tell me that the they saw a rainbow and it was my grandad I’m going to explode!!! He’s gone. There’s no point in talking about stupid rainbows when it’s not him. He’s gone. I’m hoping that the more times I write that, it will start to sink in.

Everyone including myself is making sure that my nana is okay which is great. I am so glad that the family is coming together to look after her. At the same time, it feels like everyone just keeps on living their life. It’s like the goal is to keep on living life and being happy. I get it, no one wants to be sad, but how do you still remember someone who was such a big part of your life and move on?

As you can probably tell, I’ve never lost anyone close to me. I don’t know how people grieve, or are supposed to grieve. I just find myself getting mad at all the things people say to try to make me feel better. I don’t want to eat and I can’t really sleep.

I saw him regularly so I have no real regrets. I also got to see him shortly after he passed and say all of the things I needed to say, which I guess makes me luckier than most. I’m just struggling with the fact that I’m never going to see him again. All I can see when I close my eyes is his face. I still haven’t really processed things so I just wanted to see if how I’m feeling is normal?

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Hi @Numbgirl, thank you for reaching out to the community. I’m so sorry about the loss of your grandad. It’s very early days and the feelings you’re describing are absolutely normal.

You mention that you’re not sure how people are supposed to grieve. I wanted to share our Grief Self-Help platform with you - https://selfhelp.sueryder.org/ It has useful information on grieving, ways to cope and things that can help you work through your own emotions.

I hope you find our community to be a supportive space - please do keep talking to us, you’re not alone.

Take care
Seaneen

Hi Numbgirl

the way you are feeling is normal we alll go through different stages of grief and anger is one of them
grieve in your own way and not how others tell you to
the hardest part is to accept they have gone but he is still your grandad but with wings now and i am sure he is watching over you and will always keep you safe
your in the first stages of your grief at the moment when nothing seems real and feels that its just as if you are in a dream
just take one day at a time with baby steps and do what you want to do and grieve for him in your own way

take care and stay strong

pat

Hi Pat,

Thank you for your message. It’s reassuring to know that how I’m feeling is normal. It’s so hard to admit to myself and even harder to say out loud that he’s gone.

I was really hoping to feel some type of comfort after he passed that he had gone to a better place etc but all I can think about at the moment is that he’s just gone. I’m never going to see him again and that’s the hardest part to come to terms with.

I feel guilty for feeling like this because there are other people on here who have lost so many people (partners, children etc) but this is my first loss and I can’t even imagine moving forward.

Every time I think about something like work, it all seems so insignificant now. I find myself wanting to scream at people “there’s more important things in life than not receiving your stupid order”. I feel so bitter and resentful which is tough when all of my family are in the sad/crying phase of grief. I find it hard to express myself when I need to be there for them. Any tips?

you dont have to feel guiy of anything we all feel the same i lost my husband last november after 54 years married 56years all together he was ill for many years but its never easy even if you know that one day you will loose them
no one else understands how you feel till they loose someone themselves
everyone grieves differently you just have to take things slowly
as you say the hardest part is the emptiness they leave behind the knowing you will never see them again
you will never get over it but you will as time goes on learn to live with it
try talking to your family it may be hard at first but you need them as much as they need you
theres always the question that you will ask yourself too and that is why its something we all ask but theres never an answer just that it was their time and the body just couldnt take anymore
if you find the strength talk to your family never be scared of crying to let your emotions out
take care and take things slowly

pat

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