Feel so lost

My mum recently passed on the 19/11 and I really am not coping well, she had cancer was told 12 months she would see this Christmas but she lasted 3/4 weeks after being told this, I cared for her all the way through this until she ended up in hospital 2weeks before she died, she was sat up in bed talking, FaceTiming me everyday, we even planned her getting out of hospital she would come live with me the hospital order her the hospital bed etc stuff I needed for her to be able to come home, then palliative care sat and had a chat with me and my mum said about a syringe driver ( just to manage her pain) so she didn’t have to have as much oramorph, I found since that went in that was it :frowning: she really deteriorated and I think they knew she wasn’t going to make it home or she was coming closer to end, but I thought we had abit more time! I sit now and wonder even cry did mum and myself make the right choice in agreeing to the driver would she still be here ? Am I selfish for thinking this ? Don’t get me wrong I’m relieved I no longer have to see my mum in pain but at the same time I’m missing every aspect of her not calling her everyday, our group family FaceTimes he’ll just to hear her voice I feel like even though it’s only been a few weeks I feel I’m losing her voice in my head, I’m having nightmares with her in them, I’m constantly looking for signs to see if she is near me, is there really a after life ?…. I’m dreading Christmas eve ( her birthday) and Christmas with out her I cry a lot as it is so god only knows what il be like them too, I feel lost with out her and empty people say it gets easier, does it ? Cause right now I can’t see how that is the case or will be…. Thanks for taking the time to read my post

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Hello @Tyler2587,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

Hi Tyler,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. I relate so much to what you have said in your post that I felt the need to respond.

On 15th September we found out that my lovely dad had metestatic cancer. The GP informed us of this news after dad had a private MRI scan to get to the bottom of what we thought was just back pain. This news was absolutely devestating and GP told us that she expected dad would have six to twelve months to live.

As soon as we found out that dad was ill I moved back in with my parents to provide support and he next couple of months were a rollercoaster. The GP gave dad morphine which sent him agitated and confused. There was also a two week hospital stay in October due to dad being confused and everyday dad asked me to get him home.

Dad Initally picked up when he left the hospital and I had hope that he might be able to have some treatment but about a week later he deteriorated again. The GP recommended dad go to hospice to get the medication (which we thought was causing confusion) under control. Dad went into the hospice on the Fri and the doctor said they would sedate him and then try different pain medications in hopes that he could come home.

Dad didn’t come round after going into hospice, syringe driver was put in and he didn’t ask for anything to eat or drink. He passed away 4 days after going into hospice and just 8 weeks after the cancer diagnosis.

I am constantly analysing everything that happened in those two months and I don’t understand how my dad who was a fit and active 70 year old can pass away so quickly. I feel that the medications caused a lot of issues and I wonder if things might have been different if we had better guidence.

My dad was the person I was closest to in the world and I saw him everyday of my life. I also feel like I can’t remember his voice or what he looks like which I know doesn’t make sense as it’s been less than 4 weeks since he passed away.

I am also dreading Christmas and my dad’s birthday in January. I never dreamt this time last year that he wouldn’t be here. I feel so lost and terrified of life without my dad.

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to let you know that I relate to your post.

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