Feeling desolate

Hello everyone , I’m new to the site. Recently lost my mum, who was my best friend. Not coping, so really pleased to have found people who will understand.


Hello Hope6

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care, Rhi

Hi there. Really sorry to hear your loss. How long ago did you lose your mum? It is very difficult at the beginning, and I am still struggling. My beloved mum passed aged 90, in the middle of May this year. It is so very tough. You just have to try to get through each day, hour-by-hour. Do you have any friends or family close by that you can see or chat to? I live on my own and miss my mum so much. I have lived with her all my life.

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Thank you SO much x

Thank you very much x

@Hope6 hello , my Dad does suddenly 6 weeks ago and I’m finding it’s getting harder . I can’t focus on anything and have my family to look after. It’s incredibly painful . You are not
On your own in this xx

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Thank you. Sending you love x

Just keep taking one day at a time. It gets a little more bearable. I didn’t think I would ever cope, but we just do. I keep talking to mum (even though she’s not here), but I’m sure they are around us in spirit and are listening and doing everything to guide us. Get some books from your library on grief. I’m reading and that does help us a little more to come to terms with everything. I’ve also watched a few videos on Youtube about the afterlife. I think it does comfort us a little. xx


Thank you for your advice xx

Hi Hope6,
Just take each day as it comes and baby steps. Rest eat and look after your own health . The rawness if it all will ease eventually but going through it will be tough. Keep posting on here as you are not alone.People will reply and help you
Big hugs
Deborah x

Thank you so much for your kindness
Deborah. Xx

Hi Hope ,
Sometimes it helps to post about your mum on here. It’s a way of remembering her and sharing things about her.
I have found posting about my lovely mum has helped me so much.
Keep posting lovely
Deborah x

Thank you for your suggestion. I’m very glad it’s helping you too.

Hi Hope,
The nights are the worst when you just can’t sleep.I always felt so alone at night when my husband and son were asleep. How old was your mum.
In the beginning I set myself targets to get through each day.Things like even making myself a cup of tea. Sounds crazy but hats the level I was at I stayed in bed for weeks only getting up when I really had to. Do you manage to get any sleep.My whole sleep pattern and daily routines were up the creek Now 9 mths on I still have very bad days but try to get through them the best I can
The memory table I have made helps me.I change the flowers ever other day and light the candle most nights. I talk to her photo and I convince myself she can hear me.I miss her so much it’s unbearable.
I have had lots of signs from her though Will tell you again about them
Deborah x


Hi Hope ,
How are you doing?
Have been thinking of you
Deborah x

Hi Deborah
Thankyou. I’m so depressed can’t really function, just hoping for a better day.
Hope you’re coping.
Lorraine xx

Hi Hope,
Feelings of being depressed are normal. I feel like i have very sad depressing days then soon they pass and then they come back and the circle continues. It will never go away well that’s what I think anyway.
I have been ill for days and its the first time since mum passed 9 mths ago. Had to go to a and e and it was the worst thing ever for me bec that’s where mum went and within a few hrs they told me death was imminent so my anxiety levels were up the creek yest when i went to a and e. My memories all came flooding back Seeing the a and e set up, the doctors , nurses, ambulances. I was so anxious and frightened and just wanted to cry. I had taken my mum to a and e several times for different reason and waited up to 12 hrs mostly and she never complained once bless her and she was 89. Yesterday 2 people sat next to me and moaned about the NHS all the time and were telling me how they kicked off after seeing first the nurse then the doctor. In the end i politely said i needed to go out for fresh air and then returned to a different seat. i was upset enough being there so I couldn’t put up with that.
I always felt worst at night time when i felt so alone with my thoughts I used to sleep in the spare bedroom and go downstairs in the middle of the night to cry and just be with mums photo and later her ashes. Then i found this site and haven’t looked back. I have a small circle of friends on here who look out for me as I do them and that is priceless. We even met up a few weeks ago. How wonderful was that ? We had the most amazing day ever talking and sharing stories about our lovely mums, lighting candles in the cathedral, shedding some tears and visiting a stunning cocktail bar where our husbands joined us. It was so amazing that we made that happen.
Where abouts do you live ?
I live in West Wales.
Keep going . Make small steps each day and just put yourself first. Look after your health rest eat and just get by until the rawness of the grief starts to ease. Someone on here told me to do that and i though no way that’s not going to work bec i cant switch off from the grief but it did ease and little by little i started to breathe again . I cry almost every day still though especially when i think back, recall a story, look at a photo of mum and of course thinking about first xmas is making me very down at the moment.
Please keep posting Hope. We will help you get through this i promise
Big hugs lovely x
Will check in on you tom ok but if you are awake in the night post back and write whatever you want. Ramble away, talk about mum, rant vent whatever you want.
Deborah x

Hi Laura,
How are you getting on ?
Just want to say I am thinking of you
Sending love
Deborah x

Hi Deborah
I’m not good at all .
Feeling lost and alone . I just miss my Dad so much and it was so sudden I can’t get my head round it .
I am looking after Mum and with her a lot . But I still haven’t got back to work …
I need to try and look after myself a bit I think . I’m so tired .
Thanks for your message - I have read your posts and you have a very supportive group of friends on here . That must be nice
Laura xx

Hi Laura,
Aww Laura I really do understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you and everyone else on here. It’s such a horrible lonely time for us. Its also brave to admit to feeling lost, lonely and not managing. Takes courage to be honest to say those things. I struggled big time with admitting it because I always had to be the strong one in our family. I was the one who sorted everything out and was always in control in my job and home life. So when I was td mum was dying I couldn’t accept it and the emotions at the time flew sky high and even now i feel the same. I watched her die in 5 weeks as they put her on end of life but thankfully i managed to get her home for the last 3 weeks which gave me priceless time with her. I have never felt such anger, pain, disbelief, feelings of sheer hell, sadness all at the same time at the way she was and we treated at the hospital.
I had to go to A and E last Sat myself and was a nervous wreck there as the memories of a hospital totally frightened me after mums experience.
Tiredness is the one thing that causes so many other problems and for me I just couldn’t sleep at all. I was wide awake all the time and no matter how I tried I just couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do anything to be honest except cry and cry right through the day and the night I was a mess an absolute mess. Then one day when the crying eased a tiny tiny bit I felt so guilty so the guilt trip started then.
Yes I have lovely friends on here. I was so lucky they found me and swept me under their wings. We will be friends for life now and even though we have all only met once I feel I have known them for years and years and it was amazing how we all just clicked with one another.
The one thing I would say is dont go back to work until you really have to. I dont know what work you do but speak to your line manager or HR dept for advice. Employers are so keen to get staff to work quickly bec they have to meet targets and sometimes but not always it costs extra to the workplace financially unless they have a very good staffing insurance set up. Find out your rights and ask for their written policy on bereavement. Dont be tempted to go back before you are ready. Take the longest you can and if you feel you cant work full time ask for phased return or drop down a day or two on a temp measure. Are you in an union?
Problem is when you are going through grief you cant make decisions end of so go on sick leave, get a sick note and sort your wellbeing out . I am retired now but if i were talking to my younger self that’s what I would tell myself. Remember you come first now ok and you need to get through this horrible grief journey and have time to heal.
I can tell from your post that you are nowhere near ready to go back to work. Life is too short to please other people before yourself. I am not talking from experience as i always put other people first but I have learnt the hard way that very often you get no thanks especially in the workplace.
You also have your mum to look after so she is your first priority now. The two of you have each other to help and you will get stronger but it will take time. A lot of time. I am 9 mths in with all this and if someone in the beg said it would get better i think i would have throttled them.
Talk about your dad on here because it will help. What sort of things did he like doing ? We all share memories and i have made a memory table in my lounge about mum. Again in the beg i thought it was actually not my thing to do but it’s been a godsend as I feel I have a place to go within my house to talk to her, see her photo and do something for her like changing the flowers, lighting a candle etc. I just can’t believe I am actually writing I am doing all this as she was on holiday in North Wales with me this time last year.
I live in West Wales so it was a fair trek for her but she enjoyed every second of it. How life changes in a second.
So anyway post and post on here ok. I will look out for you and check on you and i a sure others will also. Reply when you can and when you feel able to even if its just a short post. You have to set yourself small baby steps each day just to get through the day. One of mine in the very beg was to simply make myself a cup f tea because even that was like climbing Everest. Sounds crazy now reading that but I was in the same state as you are now in.
Keep going Laura. Your dad would be so proud of you for carrying on and looking after your mum.
We are here for you ok
Big big hugs sent from Wales x
Deborah x