Feeling destroyed

Just tried to go out for a coffee. See all the other people at the cafe and I feel that I’m not like them, I can’t feel happy or at ease. Panic, crying all the time. Is this normal after nearly 11 months? Sometimes I feel more robust but other times its right back to feeling totally destroyed.


Treehugger, you are totally normal.
I lost my Mum suddenly 20 months ago. I still cry several times a day most days. It’s still very raw.
I try to switch off from grief for a while, just to give myself a little break. An hour here and there. Mum’s never far from my thoughts. It’s more painful, than I ever believed it could be.
Any improvements have been marginal.
Without wishing to scare you, i still feel rather destoyed by it all. I’m trying to look after my health. If I get a good moment, I embrace it.
Take care.

Thanks Daffy123. That’s what I needed to hear, was feeling so disorientated after my little cafe trip…You haven’t scared me. It’s oddly reassuring to know I’m not failing to make progress. It’s just the way it is - so very different to life before. Take care too.

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Hi, this is my first post but having read a few messages, I see that I’m no different. I lost my childhood sweetheart of nearly 50 years with no notice. She had 3 cardiac arrests in front of me, lucky I was able to keep her going until the professional medics could get here. It transpired that the cause of this was a rare cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma or bile duct cancer. It goes un noticed until it’s too late. No cure or treatment unless you are extremely lucky and then it’s not a good prognosis. She lasted 6 months. That was 10 months ago, and I haven’t really moved forward. What you describe is the same as me, totally lost and hating the life I have. We were so in love that all we needed was each other, without her, well, life seems pointless, just an existence and despite being around friends and family, it still doesn’t fill the heartbreak. Grief in isolation is cruel. I’m on a waiting list for counselling, so hopefully they will give me the tools to work out how to cope. Well at least I know this is normal, and not alone with my feelings. So I keep crying and wishing for a rest from this mental and physical Truma. I wish you all peace, and eventually hope where guilt, heartbreak, sadness etc are no longer the main thing in the day.


I’m sorry you’ve lost your dearly loved sweetheart. This is a lovely forum, where people understand how painful and raw it can feel.
I too hope that the guilt, and heartache eventally move on. Take care.

I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this heartbreak too. Like you say, you can be with family and friends but nothing solves that aching and yearning to be with your soulmate. I don’t see how anything ever can. Keep posting though as people here do understand

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I’m so sorry Mikeh. I know the pointlessness too, even with a lot to live for. We are overwhelmed by the loss and the experiences we have had right now. I wish you too peace and the gradual return of hope into your life. But for now, just care for yourself as best you can and know that somehow, all of us here are doing this together, even if we’ll never meet in person. Hugs x

Thank you all for responding. This is a big step for me, it’s been some 10 months since we parted and initially I thought I was getting along fairly well. Having cared for her both at home and in hospital, I had to get used to knowing how to be a full time carer and run a house, seriously, I had never cooked or used a washing machine, not that I ever considered it as not my job, it’s just we carved up the chores up between us, however, since April 2020 I had to learn everything as well as looking after my wife.

Once we learnt that there was no hope for her, I thought I would be prepared for the inevitable outcome. Our direction of travel was out of our hands despite the hopes and prayers of all the family, but I was kidding myself. I had the honour of being with her to the end and she past in my arms last September.

We had mapped out our retirement plans, but alas, she didn’t make it and now I can’t do it. Just one of the many issues I have to deal with. I suppose the past 10 months has been split into two stages. The first 6 months were new ground, I was discovering Christmas, birthdays etc for the first time on my own, but since the anniversary of the start date of the first event, I have been reliving the events from the original cardiac arrests through to the eventual outcome. This has actually dragged me down further than I have experienced hence finally succumbing to counselling. I just can’t make sense of the Groundhog Day feelings and loneliness.

We had our own business which we run from a workshop in our garden, a perfect situation, we worked and played together harmoniously, even the forced lockdown made me fall in love with her all over again. Now working on my own from home, well the house is a prison. I miss so many things, but then feel awful as she made the ultimate sacrifice, with grace, strength and dignity, surely I can at least pull myself together. So hopefully I will start to see the light at some point, but will have to deal with the sense of guilt and betrayal for even thinking I can get on with life. How your emotions screw with you both physically and mentally.

On a more positive note, and to be brief, the chaplain asked how we got together, well I married my best friends sister and after several breakups, we simply couldn’t find in others what we found in each other, so we got together and said let’s do what we have to do to make it work, and we did for 38 years of wonderful marriage. So what, I can hear you say, well the chaplain said with his hand on his heart, “ that’s a real love story”, “ you should write about it”, well I’m doing one better, I am writing 3 books. The first is about falling in love as lusty adolescent teenage monsters through to when she past. The second is about grief in isolation and the third will be about hope. I have written a lot in the first book, and chunks of the second, but the third, well I need to get hope first. Writing has helped, but the last two chapters that cover the last period up to the funeral, well that is hard, and probably not the best of things to record and possibly one of the reasons for why I feel the way I do. I think it will be a good story, well those I have shown so far say I should publish.

The second thing I have done is set up a charitable cause to promote awareness of this terrible cancer and Sepsis, the thing that finally decided her fate. We as a family are doing a series of endurance tasks, and have been in the paper a few times.

I’m not sure that either of these are helping me, but I hope that they will help others, both in reading the books and raising awareness.

I don’t think I’m allowed to promote what we are doing, but it is for a good cause, and hopefully will help people.

Anyway, that’s what I’m up too, and some of the battles, but at least I’m sharing things and for an old school bloke that mustn’t show his feelings, it’s a big step for me to even do this, but I can’t go on felling the way I do.

Thanks for reading and replying.


it will be 4 years on 21st dec i still cant go out and when i see couples holding hands i hate them and wish it was them and not me as awful as that sounds grief has no time limit so dont beat yourself up i have have all this time xx


Anger and hate are one of the 5 stages of grief so your feelings are understandable. I still battle daily demons

Am slowly realising there might always be days when it feels like yesterday. Hugs x

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No, I totally get it. See other young(ish) people with their mums, even friends talking about their mums, and I feel so resentful…A new charming part of my personality! No point in pretending though. Such relief to hear others feel similar things on here x

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One of the good things about lockdown is not seeing mothers and daughters around that shops. I found that very painful.
I remember my uncle who’d lost his wife going on a cruise by himself. The only problem was that everyone else was in couples. This was years ago. He was invited to join other couples, but only now do I understand how very painful that must of been.
I’m twenty months into my grief. I feel like a swimmer, who is now trying to reach the surface of the water. I want daylight and a bit of joy. I just can’t quite get there at the moment, but I will eventually. Keeping busy helps.
Our loved ones would want to best for us.


Yeah lockdown certainly had its benefits for me too… Love your description of being a swimmer, makes sense. Feel I’m in a time of treading water and being sucked back down repeatedly. But you’re right, there will be more change and hopefully more air and light. Let’s keep swimming.

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Dear Mikeh

It is ten months since my husband died in a road traffic accident. Like yourself married 38 years but together 42. Each day is Groundhog Day. I drag myself out of bed and see what challenges probate and the pension companies have for me. Also today went out to by our daughter’s birthday card. i stood crying in the shop as I struggled knowing that this will be the first where I am not writing ‘love Dad’. Our poor son had his birthday in May and I could not bring myself to buy a card but he lives local so I could go and visit and give him his gift. Our daughter lives down South. Because of lockdown she only saw her Dad twice in the nine months before he died. We had to tell her over the phone about the accident - that day and the events still haunts me.

Like you and your wife we had mapped out our retirement plans only for them to be snatched away in such a cruel way.

The air ambulance attended the scene of the crash so similar to yourselves we have put our efforts into raising funds for them. I am hoping to visit their HQ in the coming months and meet the team who tried to save his life. I don’t want the details- the death certificate was bad enough - I just want to thank them for trying to give me back my husband.

I was furloughed from work for 5 months and am grateful at least for that time we had together. We laughed, joked and enjoyed each others company just like when we first met. God how I miss him.

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Hi so sorry for your sad loss. I have also just lost my whole world my love my companion my everything my husband of 25 years together 32 years has left me 6 weeks ago to lung cancer why my husband why!! Life won’t ever be the same again life was only complete when we were together I have so many un answered questions so many what if why this I should of that its eating away at me. I’ve no interest in anything or anyone just think about my husband 24/7 why did he need to leave us just why. I’m also receiving counselling from the hospice which in a way does help. But nothing will bring my world back to me ever

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I’m so sorry - I relate to all that you’re saying. The what ifs just go round and round. Keep posting here as people understand what it’s like to lose someone so special.

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It is torture every day is a living hell without our other half’s how can we carry on knowing we won’t ever see then again

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Dear Ali21

I am so sorry for your loss. All of us at some point go through the same questions and never get the answers that we want. Grief takes us on a roller coaster for God only knows how long. It is ten months for me and there is not one day goes by that I do not weep for my husband.

Please take all the support that you can, it is very early days in this awful journey.

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This has been a rollercoaster one I’d like to get off but I can’t I honestly can’t
The world is going on ordinary people going about there every day life while I just want it to stop completely