I lost my husband 6 weeks ago on Friday. He had an aneurysm, and died suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel so much guilt for not maybe seeing something was wrong. He was a mechanic for more or less 30 years, and always had some ache or pain. For the about the past 10 years he’d said one thing or another hurt, but I was his wife, I should have seen something surely. We have a blood pressure monitor at home, so why didn’t I make him use it more often. I just keep thinking I failed him. Some days the pain of loss is all consuming. I just can’t believe he’s gone. We ran our own garage, so not only did I loose my love, I’ve also lost our business and my income. I was doing ok, but now I feel I’m going backwards, and feel worse. Also tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad’s passing. So much grief is making me have panic attacks. . Thank you for listening. X
@Nily sorry for your loss. I’m sure you couldn’t have done anymore. You weren’t to know something awful was going to happen. I think part of the grief process is analysing every detail and I’m sure we all do that. I lost my husband almost 7 weeks ago and I also feel worse. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions. Today has been a pretty bad day and there has been a lot of tears. Hang in there we are all on this journey we never wanted together and this is a good place for understanding & support. Take care
Thank you, and I am so sorry for your loss too. It’s good to be able to talk to people who are also unfortunately going through the same as me. My family are amazing, but they all go home to their partners. They simply can’t understand how I’m feeling. X
blessyou, you have quite a lot going on and it is still very early days for you. It is an easy thing to blame yourself but it isnt your fault. An aneurysm is a silent condition and probably had no symptoms. My partner dies suddenly in January from cardiac arrest and i too went through the self blame and wished i had suggested lots of things. But truthfully he would have thought i was nagging and was always too busy to go to the GP. But having said that , his condition had no symptoms and he died instantly and nothing could be done.
The anniversary of your dad will not help either. Try not to be too hard on yourself and take small steps, hour by hour.
Try not to feel guilty… there is no way you could have known…x
I can only reiterate what others are saying. An aneurysm doesn’t give warning signs. It’s highly unlikely there would be anything to notice. There’s nothing you could have done differently and nothing to reproach yourself for. This “fact” often doesn’t stop us from torturing ourselves with guilt though . Seems to be an inevitable part of grieving. We blame our own helplessness. We don’t quite believe we were helpless, powerless. It’s hard to accept.
Thank you for your kind words. X
Thanks. I think because it was so sudden and unexpected I can’t actually believe that there was nothing I, or anyone could have done. Such kind words from people going through this awful experience themselves helps me see it’s not only me that thinks the way I do. X
@Nily I am sorry to read that you lost your husband suddenly and feel guilty. I know how you feel as my husband suddenly passed away at Christmas just gone. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday my son rang to say that dad collapse. Time I got home he was gone. He was 53 years old. I never noticed his weight loss until 3 weeks before he died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer in both kidneys which had burst through the lining of the kidney and sitting at the bottom of the blood vessels. He never knew that he had cancer. 20 months previously he had a nasty fall and smashed his elbow to pieces which I think mask his symptoms. I wish I notice how ill he was though he was still working up to the day before. We had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and went to Sorrento. I look back at photos and now see his weight loss but never noticed until 2 months later. He also had a itch and a night sweat which I didn’t do anything about. I got him to the doctor’s but sadly too late. I do wonder why did I not notice that he was so ill as he is my husband and I should of notice. I feel so guilty and sometimes feel that I am now being punish. My counselor says grief comes with guilt which mine is going around in a cycle. I also been told that my husband death was out of my control. I miss him so much. Life indeed is unfair and cruel. Take care and big hugs xx
@Nily I share your feelings. I lost my darling wife 9 weeks ago this Saturday. I’m feeling guilty that I didn’t push her to get a second opinion when her concerns about pains were dismissed by her oncology team. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 5 years ago and had chemo and surgery in the first year after her diagnosis. She then had a course of olaparib which initially kept things at bay. However it was highly likely the disease would bite back. She reported concerns about abdominal pains 2 years ago but these were dismissed by her oncology team and scans were reported to be ok although we now know the scans were misread. Why didn’t I push her to get a second opinion? As it was the disease was allowed to develop to the point where she was taken seriously ill in October of last year and then had an awful 6 months of pain and traumatic interventions in an attempt to recover the situation. Earlier treatment would likely have had a massive impact on her prospects. I know its perhaps natural to feel guilt but I really feel I could and should have done more. you have my sympathy - its an awful feeling.
Exactly - thats the problem isnt it … no matter how much anybody empathises they will never really understand how you feel … at least your family have tried to understand - my family just dont really care how i feel ! They have been awful … i feel very disappointed with people ! Why wouldnt i though ? My husband was such a caring person , not many people will ever meet his level of compassion - he was so special like that and that’s the loss i have had to face and what makes it so tough. As one counsellor on cruse said to me - he was your rock and your protector
@Nily im so sorry for your loss but please dont feel guilty, like others have said there is nothing you could of done. Guilt is one of the many stages of this horrid grief torture, i had the same what if feelings after my hubby passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in oct last year. Your probably still in shock too, together with all the other worries and anniversary of your dad passing theres enough going on to add guilt as well.
Hi Nily, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother in February 2022. I blamed myself for not noticing how bad he was that day. He was convinced that his chest infection came back. We did get a food delivery that day and he thought his arms did hurt because he picked up a heavy box. I wanted to call for an ambulance but he would not let me. - I spent a log time blaming myself for not calling the ambulance.
I was told by the coroner that blood pooled between the heart and the heart sac. - There was nothing I could done to save my brother, he would have died in the ambulance or in the hospital. - Nick
@Nily I lost my first wife to an aneurism when she was only 37 so I know how that feels too. Just awful.
Please don’t beat yourself up. You couldn’t have known and nor would he.
My husband died very suddenly four months ago and I am finding it so hard. Like you the panic attacks and anxiety are weighing me down.