feeling guilty

I recently lost my grandmother 2023 due to heart failure and cancer but eventually she fell at home and broke her hip which finished her off. she was my mother figure for most of my life. I have just spent the last year or more helping and caring for her when I could. she was in a hospice for the last week of her life as she went down hill after having her hip surgery. I was her only close family and she was all I had left of my close family as both my parents had died as alcoholics by the time I was 26 (but that’s another story). I spent the first three day/nights with her but I found it so hard to be there watching her slowly dying that I had to brake it up into day or evening shifts of around 8 hours, going home in between to try and sleep. she always used to say that she felt safe when I was with her but I wasn’t there when she died. the last time I visited her before she died her eyes were open but they were glazed and there was no reaction or movement when I passed my hand in front of them and left for the night. The next day I was having breakfast, and was going to visit her again afterwards when I got the call from the hospice to say she had gone. I feel so guilty that I was not with her when she went as I know that was what we both wanted and I don’t want her to have thought that I left her to die alone, but I feel that is what I did. I feel that I shouldn’t have left her at all.

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Don’t be sad. She will know you were there. But by the end she won’t of known you weren’t there. I lost my mum end of may. Dementia, she was fine till she had a fall then another then gone 3 days later. I did same stayed by her bedside for hours. I was there when she passed. She didn’t have a clue. Them last moments are seared in my brain. I’m trying hard to remember her before . Take care xx

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thanks Jill, your right, I should be grateful she was aware when I was there. I’m sorry for your loss. Its easy to forget that I am not alone. May your good memories come back swiftly. thank you xx

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I’m always here if you need to talk. It’s sometimes easier to talk to strangers going through the same stuff x

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I feel guilt too with both my parents. I think this is a common theme. With my Dad I sat up with him on an all night vigil, we knew it was close. In the morning I said to my brother that I was just going to nip home (down the road) change of clothes, cup of tea sort of thing. Got in, made tea, brother rang, he’s gone. I wish I had stayed. But he knew I had been there and I think sometimes they choose when to go. He was an old school gentleman he wouldn’t have wanted me to witness his passing. With my Mum I was there, but I feel tremendous guilt because although we were in hospital, I couldn’t ease those last few moments of her passing, I always wonder if there was anything else I could have done. There isn’t of course, I just think these feelings are natural. Death is a strange experience with a loved one full of what ifs and if only. Maybe we should be kinder to ourselves x

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Floyd U sound like such a caring grandson. A great comfort to your grandmother in her life a real star I am sure she really benefitted so much from all the care and love you gave her. Feeling guilty after such a sad loss is part of the process.Try just be with the feeling. U need to look after yourself now She wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer Speak to a counsellor online I have it does help calm the mind

thank you Jill Liz and stranger, your kind words are helping me to release my emotions. I didn’t realize how much they had built up. I hope I can get to a point where I can breath easier and am able to support others as you are doing. you really are creating a sense of community and support. its so refreshing to find a bit of love amongst the pain. thank you sincerely.

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Hi I think guilt is what 99% of us feel after losing a loved one. Nearly 9 months in I still go over the last weeks/days of my mum’s life. She passed suddenly but I blame myself for not being attentive enough to read the signs that she was so poorly. I’m sure your grandmother knew you were there for her, try to focus on all you did for her over the years and try not to make your suffering worse going over the what ifs…
This is what I say to myself most days too.
Kate xx

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thank you Kate, its difficult to lift that veil of guilt but you are helping to put things into context. I hope we all find peace with a little help from eachother. x

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