I am eating away with guilt that I didn’t do enough and my husband might be still here. He was diagnosed stage 4 cancer in Nov 19, he kept fairly well until Aug 22 he lost his voice, no one seemed overly concerned, we saw oncologist a few times, his treatment had been stopped prior to this for 7 months as his cancer was stable, he had scans every 8 weeks and seen by oncology after scans, they did eventually find mets in throat, he started struggling to eat and having panic attacks if I left him for a short period. He was then found to have pleural effusion and was taking large amounts of fluids every 2 days at home. District nurses came in to to this, I questioned them my concerns about amount fluid they were taking, they said it’s okay, oncologist didn’t seem overly worried, he was having more pain, but we managed it with morphine, he was referred to pallative care team, we never heard from them, his last few weeks he was pretty much bed ridden, I helped him wash, eat, meds and sat with him all the time. I phoned doctors daily to ask someone to come and see him, they said nurses were coming in and reported back, but were not to worried, he was due to start a new chemo tablet a few weeks after he passed.
I keep asking myself did I do enough, he might still be here. I miss him so much my heart is broken, i try and stay strong in front of people but am a mess on my own. I go daily to his grave to tell him about my day, but it’s not the same as telling him with us sitting in the sofa.
Sorry for the long post, I needed to get all that out.
When he passed he went very peacefully in hospital with me and our daughters holding his hand, but it doesn’t stop the guilt I feel.
Hi Mary, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going through the same. Cancer doesn’t tell us what it’s doing inside the body - we have no means of knowing how bad things may be until it’s suddenly upon us. The guilt is with me too - I’m 5 months in, and the regret and guilt circle around in your head until you feel in despair - the treatments weren’t provided soon enough for us. I hope you can find peace in your loving memories of all that you did manage to do for your husband, and the support you clearly gave to him while he was here. Each day you will cope a little bit more, but make space for the tears whenever you need - it’s part of the healing process, I am finding. Hugs to you.
My condolences on the loss of your husband. I understand that feelings of guilt are a normal part of grieving. I struggle with thoughts sometimes about what more I could have done for my husband but have to acknowledge that he was very sick when we first knew anything was wrong. I cannot change anything I did and just have to try not to dwell on it.
Hello, my husbands journey was the same, what I’ve learned since after talking to the hospital was that a pleural infusion is the end stages of a cancer spread, the fluid is removed for comfort reasons.
I wish they’d been upfront with me and told me it was the last stages, I think I wouldn’t have been so shocked by his death if I’d known, I asked why we weren’t told and there answer was sometimes it’s better to be in the dark.
So there was nothing you could do, you nursed him, you were with him, no one could gave done any more.
Hi Flower Garden - I take comfort from you sharing those insights. We too did not know how ill she was, and death came suddenly and shocked us all. I wish we had known how much time we had left, but doctors just said “fight” and did not divulge. Guilt is the hardest, for those left behind.
No one told us pleural effusion was end stages either, we were giving hope with the start of a new treatment, which never happened, I wish we had been told it was end stage and the pallative care had been in place, as he was agitated at times. I think he knew himself but he always thought of me first.
I feel guilty not noticing that my husband was ill and had lost weight until it was too late. Got him down the doctor’s 3 weeks before he died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer. He was 53 years old. 20 months previously he had a 3 meter fall and smashed his elbow to pieces which caused pain. I do think this mask his symptoms.
@Mary.Mac you cared for your husband and was with him daily. You are not a doctor and we can’t see what is happening in some one body. Cancer is so very cruel. I was that kidney cancer is a silent killer and hard to diagnose but still wish I could of have saved him so I don’t have to go through this horrendous journey xx
Hazel, I feel the same guilt as you. Not noticing, not taking things more seriously sooner, not being there when I might have been. It does not bring our loved one back, but rather keeps us in torture. My counsellor called it picking over things, when those things are not the truth. Maybe even if we had done what we had wanted, it would have made no difference. I have heard this called the “bargaining” part of the grief process. If only I had done this, or that, they would still be here. You are not alone. Take good care, and I wish you strength in each day becoming less hard on you. x
@Jay19 thank you so much for your kind words. It is all the IFS buts and only I notice. You think after 25 years of marriage I would of noticed but like you said guilt is part of grieving. Just wish I could of saved him. My husband was working up to the day before. It is so hard. Yes we can’t bring our love ones back and hopefully one day the guilt will go. Sometimes I think feeling guilty is a distraction from the realisation of losing my husband. Thank you for your support Xx
Hazel, I am only just finding out how cruel cancer is. It does not give you chance to save someone, it is relentless, silent and horribly evasive. My partner worked hard before only finding out about the lung cancer when it had advanced. We hoped immunotherapy and radiotherapy would be effective, but there were delays in getting treatment post-Covid, and I feel guilt that we should have pressed for chemotherapy sooner. Several of my family all feel the same guilt. Because we are the ones left behind, it’s hard to believe we couldn’t have done SOMETHING. But then, that is why this site exists, to show us this is how we all feel after such loss, especially sudden, like yours. Guilt is one of the stages of grief, rather than a distraction. Some days I feel acceptance that my partner is gone, other days I feel anger, regret and just cry. There is no sequence. Any and all feelings are valid. Thank you for sharing your feelings here - it has helped me too, today. xx
@Jay19 and thank you for sharing your feelings which has also helped me. I been told that I should blame cancer and not myself. You are right cancer is such a horrible thing. Wish that everyone could have a body scan once a year. We are on such horrendous journey. Take care and big hugs xx
To you all, there is no way any of you are guilty, it’s EVIL CANCER, or in some cases neglect by consultants. My poor husband suffered and was in the system having scans and blood tests, and advanced prostate cancer was not picked up. He told his oncologist of worrying symptoms which he ignored, so my husband saw another consultant privately who gave him the devastating diagnosis,
The last few months of his life were horrendous: loads of hospital visits, pain, discomfort and loss of dignity. I looked after him at home with some help until he needed 24 hours specialist care. He spent the last three weeks of his life in a wonderful nursing home where I could stay with him most of the time. He died in my arms.
I live through the hell of seeing him deteriorate so dramatically. I will never be free of it all and now I have this awful journey of grief.
Hugs to you all, but don’t feel guilty, you will have done all you could x
@Mary.Mac @Rome18 cancer is awful. It creeps up. I feel guilty because a year before Simon died his markers were high in his bloods. Our GP even said he thought he had a GI cancer and was fast tracked to be checked out. They found nothing but put it down to his crohns flaring up. They didn’t do repeat blood tests which would have shown they were still high and he was anaemic. I was just pleased to hear he hadn’t got a GI cancer. I feel I should have pushed him to go back and get another blood test. Also I could see he was losing weight. And I said so! He ended up in hospital with stomach issues and that is when they found lung cancer. This was a year later. It had gone to his bones and adrenals. And then finally his brain. He was meant to be coming home to die but he never made it. I had every thing here for him but he just collapsed and died while I was sat with him in the hospital. We always didn’t want to cause a fuss. I wish I had played merry bell to get answers. The lung cancer was slow growing and if a year ago would only have possibly been stage 1 or 2 at most and highly treatable. Feel cheated out of our life together. And default upset that just a wonderful man should have to lose his life at 57. Love to all.
SO sad and sorry for your loss Rammie. It is true the guilt is inconsolable and unbearable when we wonder whether being more forceful might have helped with treatment. I’m sorry that the plans you and Simon had did not make it to fruition. I wish you peace from the torment, and some solace, in time, of being privileged to know someone as wonderful as Simon in your life. Love to you. x
What a wonderful support you were to your husband, Rome18. I doubt anyone else could have stayed with him to the end more lovingly and faithfully than you did. But how very sad to hear of the road to diagnosis. I agree with others here, who have said a full body scan each year might enable cancer to be caught earlier when it may be more treatable. Find peace also, in knowing that you could not have done more. We hold you in our thoughts. x
Thank you @Jay19. We were let down by so many medical people even district nurses, I had to do so many things at times I was not trained to do, but it was my privilege to do whatever I could for my Richard, he was a wonderful husband.
I agree about more body scans being available, but it also needs radiographers and consultants to study the results very carefully. My husband’s prostate cancer could, and should, have been picked up years ago when it could have been treated.
I could write a book, as I know so many of us could, about the failings of medical treatment. I know it isn’t all bad and a lot of patients are treated well, but my experience with my husband’s was dreadful.
He was in hospital for two weeks last September and my son and I discharged him, they were doing nothing, no proper food and he was rapidly deteriorating. I went in one day and he was in awful discomfort. I asked a caring assistant for help but her sausage sandwich was more important. I eventually found a trainee to help!
He recovered a little once home and we had a few weeks before he became very poorly with cancer spreading.
Best wishes xx
Yeh well its our not so bloody wonderful NHS … its a damn mess ! Sorry for your loss ! The help you got seems similar to my situation too … its a DIY job these days im afraid 
xxx
I know its just awful isnt it ? Are we actually in the 21st century or are we back in the flipping victorian era ? Might as well be cos the care is pathetic … sorry but makes me so cross !! I think we need to go on strike !! And start marching ! Never mind the doctors and nurses !! Xx