Feeling guilty

10 weeks ago I lost the love of my life. He was my husband, he was my best friend and he was my lover. We had 8 wonderful years together but only got married last summer. I will ‘celebrate’ our first anniversary on my own this July. We met a bit later in life, both of us scared by life and previous relationships. Meeting him felt like coming home at last. We did everything together, I guess most people would describe us as soulmates, we even looked like each other. He took ill very suddenly and died in hospital 2 days later. The guilt I feel is all consuming. Could I have done more, should I have realised earlier something was seriously wrong? Someone asked me, would it put your mind to rest if you ask a doctor. But if they tell me yes, what would I do with that information? Life is unbearable without him. At first I was in shock but now the grief has taken over. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. Living with this constant pain is more than I can take. Everything reminds me of him. I can pull myself together (most of the time) if I met up with someone. But when I’m on my own I can’t stop crying.

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Hi there im so sorry for your loss it’s heartbreaking it’s six months and two weeks tomorrow since my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes we dreamed of growing old together we did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays it’s all gone im completely hearbroken never felt a pain like it mentally and physically destroyed I feel the same if there’s anything you can ring pals at the hospital or the bereavement office im sorry I cant offer anymore words can’t describe the pain and terror all we want is our soulmates back in our arms I’d do anything even one last kiss on the forehead in the chapel of rest anything I’d do feel so desperate and alone your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

Thank you for your kind reply.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I recognise so much in what you write. Nothing can prepare you for this. My husband died in my arms as well. I think I’ve blocked it out what happened those last minutes. It’s only now I’m starting to remember. His face, I remember thinking it’s not him, he’s not there. I would do anything to have him back even for just a few minutes. Touch him, hold him, kiss him, tell him how much I love him. I can’t imagine a life without him
You too Adele take care. I hope in time it will get easier for both of us to manage the pain, but it will take time, a long time.
Henrietta x

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Hi im so so sorry for your loss it’s heartbreaking like you my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms six months and two weeks ago tomorrow afternoon I know what you mean I tried and do try to do that it’s harder when my eyes are closed but still when open I remember the last three days I spent with him the pain suffering not being able to breathe hallucinations doctors nurses machines all around me he looked at me for help I will never forget the terror in hus eyes all.I could do was hold his hand and tell him it will all be fine he’d be home for Halloween talked about Christmas as he was drifting in and out of conciousness with that big breathing helmet as only I can describe as in critical care I am truly traumatised beyond belief to witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes im utterly heartbreakon destroyed mentally and physically he fell asleep in my arms three months before his 40th birthday which would have been January we were planning on growing old together everything my hopes and dreams have been so cruelly and tragically stolen i wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy sending you a hug from the bottom of my broken empty heart take care of yourself as much as possible speak soon Adele x

Sorry me too anything even one more kiss on the forehead in the chapel of rest the touch of his cheek hold of his hand I’d do anything we built a home together doesn’t feel like home now just a silent empty house once filled with laughter and joy here’s to another long lonely silent night full of sorrow and despair look after yourself please Adele x

Hello again,
Same with my husband, he couldn’t breathe towards the end, I can still hear him struggling. The memory of seeing him suffer like that is horrific and so painful. I wish I could erase it from my mind.
Initially I thought he would pull through, it wasn’t until the end I realised he would never come home again. My handsome, loving, caring and oh so passionate husband. He used to write me love poems. I’ve never met anyone like him before, a celt with the heart of a poet, I’m Swedish btw.
Our home doesn’t feel like a home now, it’s empty and cold. No silliness, no laughter, no warmth. I look around me and am surrounded by memories, but they don’t give me any comfort just pain. Everything has a story, our story. A story that wasn’t supposed to end just yet.
I know what you mean about long lonely nights. I still can’t sleep in our bed, I sleep in a spare room.
Take care, I wish I didn’t know how you feel but I do.
Henrietta x

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Hi there again yes resonates all to well exactly the same as much as we try to erase the trauma of watching our soulmates go in such a terrific way never leaves our heads the breathing the panic I’ll never forget the terror in his eyes as he looked at me for help I stood helpless holding his hand fighting back my tears telling him he’d be okay I’ve never been so scared I was just looking at the photos of us both last bank holiday Monday so happy out for the day not a care I’m the world not knowing our future would be blown apart in October we met when I was 21 he was nearly 23 we moved in after three months together until we had enough to buy our own house like you say I look around all of it means nothing without him we would live to sit in the garden we did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays even doctors and hospital appointments we were joined at the hip he was my first love as I was his we had dreams of growing old together everything my life has been stolen im empty and lost haven’t been able to even turn the television on since October just can’t believe what has happened he fell asleep in my arms three months before his 40th birthday which would have been January im so so utterly truamatised and so sorry for your horrendous loss too keep in touch speak soon take care of yourself as much as possible in my thoughts Adele x

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Sorry that’s lovely we used to write eachother letters too and buy cards I cant describe the agony of having to write his Christmas and birthday card out and lay them in his coffin at the chapel of rest and wish him a happy birthday and Christmas I’ll never forget or even move forward with the trauma of what has happened take care yes like we say another long lonely silent night full of sorrow and disbelief ahead where we should be discussing what’s for tea watch in the television discuss who’s passing the window just those little conversations a kiss goodnight I’d do anything to hear his footsteps on the stairs the toilet flush kettle boil just to know he’s pottering around truly heartbreaking isn’t even enough to put it into words in my thoughts x

Hi HWM so much of what you have said I can relate to… Brian and I met later, we had both been married before. Neither of us wanted to get married again but love took over and I can remember our wedding day as if it was yesterday. In fact it was our thirtieth wedding anniversary yesterday. I was so happy and knew this time was right.
Guilt seems to be something that will affect us all in one way or another. For me I knew of Brian’s illness for years, we worked on Natural Therapy which I was in charge of. We had nothing to lose as the doctors were going to do nothing. He lived ten years longer than expected but I found out after his death that he had been taking medication for months. Now my mind is in a whirl. With our way he lived a healthy fit life for about nine years but with the medication he was dead within the year. It was all done behind my back, even by Brian, I felt betrayed by everyone. How I wanted to challenge the doctors but what would have been the use. They could say anything. Like you I decided I didn’t want to take a risk, I wasn’t strong enough. I was told however that I had kept him alive a million times longer than was expected. This was no consolation. If I had known he was taking their medication could I have stopped it? Did I do enough? Did I miss something? I decided there is nothing I can do about it now. His doctor said Brian wanted to go his way in the end and was at home with the woman he loved. I could have asked more questions but found I didn’t really want to know anymore. I decided to concentrate on my grief. I had so much to sort out I threw myself into it. Just as I thought I had done everything I suddenly spiralled downhill. I didn’t care if the men in the white coats came and took me away. only my beloved dogs kept me sane. Fortunately it passed and now I am constantly looking for that light to shine. I now want it to. I want my life back although I will never let Brian go, he is with me forever. That is what matters now, not beating ourselves up for what might have happened. Yes, I too find that everything reminds me and this house is beginning to give me the creeps. Take care Pat xxx

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Thinking of you Pat x

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