Feeling lonely

I feel so very lonely my husband passed away 21st nov aged 41 from blood cancer. We have an 11 and 8 year old, who spend most of the time in their rooms.

My hubby and I were inseparable for 22 years and I just feel so lonely. Friends were checking in at first but now I barely hear from them. Maybe I’m too honest they ask how I am and I tell them the truth I feel like I’m in hell. I can’t lie to people and tell them ok when I’m not.

When he first passed I didn’t want to be in the house it was too painful and now I don’t want to get out of bed let alone live the house. I just don’t know how to cope with this unbarable feeling of loneliness

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Hi Gem2

So sorry to hear about your loss, it sounds very similar to mine. It’s really hard to know how to move through but please understand that although you feel lonely, youre definitely not alone. You’ve found this community and every single person here has a very good idea of what your going through. I only found this place yesterday and have spent the time since going through posts and realising that what I’m experiencing is utterly normal and acceptable. I think telling people how you are is exactly what you should be doing, whats the point in hiding your grief? This forum is a very safe space to get things out. Please have a good look around, it helped me no end just reading how similar peoples experiences with loss and grief are.

For me I know my life as it was is over, but it’s not gone. My wife left me some amazing memories and knowing how it ended I’d still take her hand and jump in again. I know, without doubt, that she would have wanted me to build on that and enjoy what I have left. That gets me out of bed in the morning, stops me having a whisky breakfast, puts dinner on the table, feeds the cat and allows me to hope that one day I’ll meet the day with a smile.

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Hi both. Yes, having people here who understand how hard this is certainly helps. We also don’t expect anything from each other when we know it can sometimes be impossible to give.

Take each day, or part of each day as it is and take baby steps when you feel strong enough. xxx

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Thanks for reaching out.

Exactly the same as you I would do it all over again. I did all his care even when he was in the hospice. I didn’t want anyone else doing it.

His constantly on my mind from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep. Not that I actually sleep much!

So sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you are getting all the support you need.

I’ve lost people before and believe me when I say this is off the scale in terms of pain. But I really believe that bit by bit and day by day it will get better. Different but better. I was a carer for my wife for many years. After her funeral I just went into our house and shut the door and didnt emerge for a week. I knew I was in a bad place, I was drinking a lot, not eating, not caring. I gave myself one thing to do each day. It started with brushing my teeth. Then I gave myself another thing to do, wear fresh underwear. Then another and another. And I felt a tiny wee bit better. When I went to bed at night I congratulated myself on having done those things. Some days I did less, some days I did more. But it always felt better to have at least brushed my teeth.

I think when you’ve been caring for someone it’s easy to forget yourself, it just becomes so focused. When it comes to end of life care, even with my years of experience, I wasn’t prepared. There was no time to digest information, serious decisions had to be made in the moment, windows of time just kept closing down. There was no time for revision. When it was over I really questioned what I had done, how I had cared for her. But I know that I did my best, and I now you will have as well. Sitting in bed all day isnt necessarilly a bad thing, you’re knackered, washed out, had enough and defeated. Its a natural response to our situation. But keep edging forward, inch along the path, brush your teeth. It’ll get better. Different but better. x

Agree with you @Walan about this level of pain being off the scale as well as the idea of seeing the smallest action as success some days. Each day can only be dealt with the best we can, there is no pattern to follow.