Feeling lost and alone

My mum died on the 20th December. She died of cancer so suddenly. It was me that found her dead. I was supposed to start trauma therapy start of April but now its all on hold. I feel my grief is on hold. I cant be with friends or family. My partner doesnt understand my loss. I know it’s a hard time for everyone right now but coping with loss as well as coping with the current climate is so hard I miss my mum so much. I just wish I could curl up in a ball and sleep until the pain goes away.

Dear Doll,
Losing your mum is so hard and December is not that long ago, so I can understand that you are still in pain. You now have the added disappointment of therapy being delayed, as well as not being able to meet up with friends or family who could give you support. I think it is a logical reaction to want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I hope that you find a way to get through this difficult time. Connecting with people in similar situations on this forum is a good way to find support. I wished I could take away your pain, but I can’t. What I can say, like many others on here whose stories I have read is that the dark moments will not last forever.

Thank you for your kind words Jo. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond x

So sorry about your mum. I lost my mum last July only 3 weeks after s lung cancer diagnosis. She went downhill so quickly I was not prepared at all. Please be kind to yourself. It is very early days. I have never felt pain like it . I totally understand. A good friend who has suffered advised me to take one day at a time and that all my dark thoughts were completely normal. It helps to know you are not alone. It takes s long time to get through . Keep well and take care xxxx

@Doll I’m so sorry for your loss, Doll. You are still in early stages, and everything you are feeling is completely normal. I know that doesn’t help, but when I lost my Dad in November I thought I was going crazy with the grief. Like you, I also found my Dad at home, he was only 64, I’m 27 now.
How terribly frustrating we find ourselves in this situation - wanting, no, needing to grieve our parents yet being faced with a global pandemic at the same time. I don’t know about you but I can’t even think about Coronavirus, my Dad still comes first in my mind. What I can say about your therapy, is that I went straight into counselling around a month after finding him… and I found it too soon. I hear you’re supposed to try wait 6 months, as it’s still too raw and you will still be doing a lot of searching. I found myself going round in circles and just crying through the whole session. It might be different for you but take this as a sign of the universe telling you to take your time.
We’ve experienced trauma, and trauma takes a long time to get over. We’ve lost one of the reasons we are here in this world, let your grief come however it chooses. I’ve accepted that now, and I’ve accepted that I’ll have good days followed by really bad ones.
I hope your good days come quicker for you. Please post and use this as an outlet. I hope you have support and know you aren’t alone.

Take care, and take it very easy. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Much love to you xx

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@Mosie thank you for you kind words. I really appreciate your reply. I’m so sorry about your mum. My mum was diagnosed May 2019 and she was ok until she started having treatment. We were given the impression that she had time but she went suddenly in December. It was the radiotherapy on her chest according to the postmortem that inflamed the lining of her lungs which stopped her breathing. I try to console myself with the fact that I didnt have to see her endure weeks or months of suffering in the terminal phase and that she got her wish which was to go in her sleep at home. I hope you’re managing and getting support x

@Watt92 Thank you for your kind words and response. For someone so young you have a wise head on your shoulders and I think you will be a wonderful counsellor. I’m so so sorry to hear about your dad. I can certainly empathise with the shock you must have felt when you found him. When I wake up, just for a split moment, everything feels ok. But like you, my mum passing is then the first thing I think followed by the virus stuff. My mum was only 67. Your dad was only 64. It was too soon for them both to go. Waiting for my therapy may be a good thing but I just feel stuck I dont talk about mum as it makes me feel too sad and life being stuck indoors with my partner 24/7 is difficult enough so I’m putting on a brave face until I can get professional help. I hope you’re having good days too. I watch a lot of tv to try switch my mind off x

@Doll thank you, I’ve heard that from people before. I certainly don’t feel it, nor even want it but it’s just what life has thrown at me. Just seems more unfair we’ve missed out on so much. I think there’s something more heartbreaking about sudden deaths. My Dad had COPD for 9 years yet when I seen him days before, he was totally normal. It’s been so hard attempting to get my head around that.
I totally empathise with you. I’m in the same boat, I live with my boyfriend yet with time passing, I don’t feel like I can talk about it so openly anymore. He was actually with me when I found him. He was amazing on the day, and tbh it’s probably affected him more than I’ve realised. They never got the chance to meet, I’d finally found the one and my two most important men in my life never even got to shake hands. What I would say, is with time it’s gotten easier speaking about Dad. I don’t talk about the gory details, but I do like to keep his memory going and share stories about him. I wish I had someone to share my grief with, but I have no siblings to talk to, and my Mum and Dad were not together. I feel also very stuck. Watching mindless tv or playing games is also the things I do to keep my mind busy.

Feel free to message any time. My inbox is always open to anyone.

@Watt92 I agree about sudden deaths. I feel that there was unfinished business as there was much I wanted to say to mum and didnt. My mum cared for my gran and we didnt getvto spend time together because of it. Mum wasnt local and I dont drive and work full time When nan died, which was sad, I thought it would give me and mum more time together. But mum was diagnosed a year after my nan died. I am fortunate to share my grief with my sister - the only family member I’m close to. But I am conscious she is grieving too so try not to lean on her. I told my partner this morning that the thing that upsets me is that people around me no longer ask how I am and how I’m coping but I still feel the pain of my loss. He paused for a long while than said ‘what would you like to eat?’ It was as though he didnt listen to what I said. I guess that’s why people stop asking maybe. They dont know what to say. I know this affects him too but he isnt open about his feelings and I’m not good at mind reading! You are very welcome to share your grief with me. Feel free to message me privately if you prefer :slight_smile:

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Dear @Doll,

I am sorry for your loss. There are no words that can bring comfort at a time like this. I often wished there was a group of people out there to talk to who had also lost parents, in real life rather than via a forum, even though it does some bring comfort. Since covid-19 and having to WFH, I am wondering if perhaps if would be a good idea to start ‘‘hangouts’’ online with anyone else who feels so lost and alone since losing a parent. As we are unable to see friends who could provide a source of comfort, or sometimes they cannot as they don’t fully grasp what we are experiencing. If you or anyone else is interested in trying this out let me know.

With all best wishes.

@Sansbaccha Thank you for your reply. I think that’s a great idea. A virtual meet up once a week sounds great. Not sure about the logistics of how that would work though. Have you any ideas? Would it be a video chat via WhatsApp of a small group or instant messaging? Only those who have lost a patent knows what it feels like. I have my sister but shes not local and also dont want to keep putting on her emotionally either

Hey! Well I have started using ZOOM for work and GOOGLE hangouts. Do you use any of those ? We could try it between us and then see if we would extend out to anyone else who has lost a parent? Let me know if you have any of the above. All you need a gmail email address and we can take it from there. If not then yes WhatsApp video chat or FaceTime on iPhone can also work.

Best wishes