I lost my partner in June. We would have together for 36 years the same month.
I’d had not spoken to my partner for 2 days as I was staying at my daughters looking after the grandchildren. When I finally went home I found him, it was too late.
The guilt i feel is overwhelming. Why didn’t I check in, why wasn’t I there, did he suffer. The thoughts go round and round in my head. I see him constantly lying there already gone.
It’s another day another restless night and I’ve been laid in bed for the last couple of hours telling myself to get up. I don’t see the point, I don’t know what to do accept sit downstairs looking at the walls.
Dear Ruthie58
I am so sorry to read about your loss and the grief you are suffering.
I’m afraid the “What ifs” and “If onlys” are entirely normal, certainly most people on this website suffer from them. I think when you say I’ve lost my partner that word ‘lost’ implies some form of carelessness and therefore responsibility. Perhaps we should try and find another word that adequately describes the devastation we feel.
You were looking after your grandchildren, an activity that I suspect you had done many times before without incident. This time was tragically different but what could you have done even if you had called your partner on the hour every hour?
I ‘lost’ my wife suddenly to a heart attack in December 2024, we had been married 48 years and next month will be our 50th wedding anniversary. You note I say ‘will be’ rather than ‘ would have been’ because I feel that she is still very much with me. For a long time I carried guilt about her loss until I read an article that said the first stage of recovering from grief is to learn to love yourself and I think that is the key. I’m still working on it and some days aren’t too bad now.
I don’t think you ever get over the loss of a dear partner but you can learn to live with it.
The first rule of recovery is to look after yourself. The second rule is to keep posting on this website because we all have a unique understanding of what it means to lose a loved one and just putting your thoughts onto the screen really helps.
Weekend’s always seem to be the hardest for some reason. We have 7 grandchildren and they all feel so sad and miss their grandad. He was only 54 and it was a heart attack too. We was it was told there was nothing we could have done. It doesn’t make it any easier.
I can’t face sleeping in the same bedroom it hurts too much to go in there.
A lot of people on this website find weekends difficult, I certainly do even though I’ve been retired for over 10 years. I suppose we remember that weekends were the time we could spend with our partners.
The paramedics see a lot of heart attacks and I think you can believe them if they say there was nothing to be done. My wife collapsed at home and help got to us within minutes, I still don’t know how they managed it. They did eventually manage to get a pulse and she was rushed to hospital. Unfortunately next day they told me the damage had been far too great and life support was withdrawn. So even with almost immediate attention she couldn’t be saved.
Look after yourself and help your grandchildren with their grief, it will help you.
Dear Ruthie I am sorry you are suffering so much. It is very difficult to keep getting up and functioning when we are left without our loved one, who brought meaning to our lives. My wife died nine months ago and I still cry every day, though the pain has reduced and now it’s the emptiness that hits me more. Living alone when you had a full life of love is a challenge. You have a large family full of grandchildren, I hope you can find the strength you need from the love of your family that you and your husband have created. Thinking of you and sending hugs
Wishing you all the best Tom
Thank you so much for your beautiful message. It really touched me, especially knowing that you understand this awful emptiness from your own experience. I’m so sorry that you lost your wife, and that you’re still having to live with that pain every day.
People often say that time makes things easier, but I think you’re right that it just changes the pain. The emptiness of losing someone who was such a huge part of your life is incredibly difficult to explain.
I am very lucky to have my family and grandchildren around me, and I’m trying to take strength from them, but there are still moments when the loneliness feels overwhelming.
Thank you for thinking of me and for taking the time to write such kind and understanding words. It genuinely means a lot. I’m thinking of you too, and I hope you continue to find little moments of comfort and strength as you navigate this new life without your wife.
Dear Ruthie there are a lot of lovely people on this site that have helped me get through the difficult days. I hope you find it brings you some solace too.
Wishing you all the best Tom
Hi @Ruthie58
I lost my husband of 36 year 1 year ago of a cardiac arrest, it was sudden and such a shock . He was 64 .
I do have family and 1 friend who I have supported me through the last year .
I was talking to my son the other day and both of us don’t remember the first 5 - 6 months after he died .
I to was told by the paramedics that nothing could have changed the outcome. I took some comfort from that .
It really is one day at a time , I still am taking it one day at a time . The weekends are really hard to get through for many of us on here .
I hope you will find this site helpful, there some supportive people. We all understand
Look after yourself
I’ve just read your lovely reply to Ruthie58 and was struck by how much I agree with what you’ve written, especially the bit about “losing” a partner somehow implying carelessness. I’d never thought of it that way but you’re right. Learning to love yourself too, I’ve been trying to do that from the beginning. I am a bit clumsy and tend to trip over things but I’m taking extra care and saying to myself, “there’s no-one to pick you up now!” My husband and I were married for 46 years and although I’m quite an independent person I was probably a bit needy too, so I think he’d be proud of the way I am coping. When I managed to mow the lawn I was immensely pleased with myself, it gave me a real lift.
Hello Chipmunk
Thank you for your kind comments. We really do need an alternative to the term Lost Partner. We’ll have to give it some thought.
I too take extra care about whatever I’m doing because, as you say, there’s no backup now. People say on the death of a partner that they took part of me with them and I’ve certainly found that to be true. Some things I would have tackled without a second thought now seem daunting, but equally some of the jobs my wife used to do seem intuitive to me! Maybe part of my spirit left with her and in exchange part of her spirit stayed with me. Apart from plumbing one in I’ve never touched a washing machine in my life and yet when it came to it I knew which programs to use and even found the correct washing liquid! The same with preparation of basic meals, I think she is still looking after me! You managed to mow the lawn, a new skill you didn’t know you had.
I’m grateful that my wife didn’t have to be the one left alone and I’m sure our partners are proud of the way we have coped with their loss.
