Feeling lost

Hi all, new here and not really sure how it all works. I lost my fiance in January due to a short illness (not covid related) we were supposed to be married the next day. I’m struggling to come to terms or even accept his death, he was only 36. Due to the covid restrictions I didn’t get to see him until he was in a coma and I cant get past not being able to speak to him while he was awake and tell him I loved him. I no he already knew it but I needed 1 last conversation and it was taken away. We have been together 9 years and have 2 children together age 5 and our baby turned 1 exactly 7 days after his daddy passed. I’ve always struggled with my mental health I have reactive depression and anxiety disorder and ptsd from childhood abuse. There’s things I don’t say outload because I worry I’d lose my kids, but since losing stephen I’ve had many thoughts on being with him as selfish as that sounds. I’m sorry to ramble but today has been particularly hard and I can’t seem to get put of this black hole. I’m not looking for sympathy I just needed to get it out, I dont have anyone to talk to anymore and grief is the loneliest place in the world.

@Caroline21 I just read your heartbreaking story.
I lost my wife to Covid on the 22nd November 2020 Three months on still in bits and searching for answers.
I, and anyone else here that reads your story can relate to everything your saying we’re all on an emotional roller coaster ride here but keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with everyone . We all have a different story but are united in one thing GREIF . Nothing prepares you for it and there are many stages in random order we go through.
I am so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine how your coping with the children’s needs as well as trying to wrestle with all the demons of grieving .
Sending you hope and light,
Take care and keep sharing there’s a lot of us on this god awful journey and were here for you x

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Hello Carolinebarrie21, thanks for sharing this with us. it must be very difficult for you at present and I am confident our lovely members will respond to you very shortly. They will be able to empathise with how you are feeling at present, as they too may be in a place they don’t want to be.
Please know we are here for you, if you feel you need extra help, Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.
Please continue to post, this is a very supportive forum, as I am sure you will find out.

Take care,
Online Community Team

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@Caroline21 I am.so very sad for you. My heart breaks, so very young … so very sad.

There are so many heartbreaking
stories, so many losses, I found that readng here, helped then for.a.time.hindered and then.helped
I.was.so.wrapped.up.in my own.grief at first, it was.hard.to listen.to.others.

Now, 15 weeks. I am more balanced and, my grief is different. I.married on 21st.August 2020, we had no idea and lost him Nov 4th after a.week of sheer hell .
I can imagine, not making the wedding date is atromnimical to you. In the beginning.for me, I.was.completely consumed.by shock and.struggled with watching my family devastated that they were.watching something so.tragic. I.could.not.see past the sadness.and the.whole storyline, I had to.detach.from.it.temporarily.

It will change, tiny steps, keep taking them and hold on. I have times.of
denial followed.by despair now .

All.the love Cinders x