I have been reading posts on here for a while now but haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. Just under two years ago I lost my beloved mum. I had been her primary carer for many years. Three months later in February 2020 my husband of 37 years lost his short battle with cancer. I had lost my two best friends. We then went straight into lockdown and I lived at home with my 20 year old son who had returned from university and my 17 year old daughter. It was tough. I returned to work 3 months later. There were over 150 mourners at Richard’s funeral but only one of his friends keeps in regular contact. I feel as though I have been left to get on with everything on my own with little or no support. I am a shadow of my former self. I have completely lost my sense of humour which in itself feels like a loss as we used to find solace in humour. My work colleagues ask if I am going on holiday and what I have planned for the weekends. Putting it mildly I just want to keep myself to myself. One work colleague had commented, “poor Louise, she’s probably at home alone with no friends”. I was terribly hurt. The situation now is, my son will be going back to uni later this month and my daughter leaves for her first year at Uni. I love them dearly, they are my world and I am so proud of them, but I will be alone having looked after everyone for many years. My identity is gone and I don’t know who I am. I did receive telephone counselling from the hospice during lockdown but I didn’t feel it worked for me. The only positive thing that has come out of all this is I have been able to support a couple of people who have been recently bereaved. Thank you so much for reading this
It’s good that you have felt able to post on this forum. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Your post has transported me right back to the raw beginnings of grief. Some four years later I can still vividly recall feeling a loss of identity. We identify as a couple, becoming one and then suddenly we are just half of a whole. I still hate going to gatherings of family or friends where most have their significant others alongside. However, I do find I have established a comfort in my own company. I don’t mind being alone although, of course, I would much rather the company of my husband. I hold my husband close in my heart so I never truly feel alone.
I get what you say about your children going off to uni. Of course you will miss them, of course you will; it’s right that you should. When our children left home, I suffered terrible ‘empty nest syndrome.’ My husband loved it because he now finally had me all to himself. There are times when I find myself longing for days gone by; wonderful days when we were together as a family. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mum and wife, when the children were young. The whole household and their whole lives revolved around me. It might sound selfish but I do yearn for those days gone by. I loved being the centre of their lives. Of course it’s right and a natural progression that the children should move on. It should have been our time then, mine and David’s time, but sadly it was snatched away all too soon.
What I’m trying to say and not very well I feel, is that I understand. You will find your way, albeit alone.
Sending love and strength. xx
Thank you for your very kind words. Sending love and strength to you too xxx