Feeling lost

In the last two years I have lost or dealt with
Cervical cancer and having a radical hysterectomy which has left me feeling half a women and I’m grieving for what I’ve lost.
left with fibromyalgia and Lymphoedema due to cancer I’ve now in so much pain everyday and night. So I’m grieving for minor being who I was before.
loosing my job due to the cancer and fibromyalgia which has left me grieving for a job I loved. I was a carer and was really good at it. I miss my clients and when I pop in I land up crying as I miss them so much.
my cat died she did this when I’d gone away to Mexico on my first holiday with my partner of then 18 years. I miss her so much as she was one who knew I had the cancer and followed me everywhere or cuddled up with me.
my dad died he and me were not on talking terms and hadn’t been for over 8 years due a row with his wife, me, my partner and him disowning me. His death was sudden and so I never got to tell him I loved him or that I forgave him.
I feel guilty, ashamed and angry.
Also his wife at the funeral didn’t tell the Victor that my dad had two daughters so we was left feeling like our dad wasn’t our dad.
my mum dies three week later we knew she was dying but I wasn’t ready for her death. Last day I saw her she sent me away and I didn’t want to leave her but I didn’t want to fight with her either. I cried all the way home, two days later she passed away before we could get to hospital.
This was also three days after dads funeral.
now me and my partner of 19 years have been broken up he hasn’t been supportive like I’ve wanted but then my family have never excepted him and so he has always been the one outside of the family even though I’ve stood by him and rowed with my family so many times over the years. As he didn’t really know them and only sees my pain from them.
Other days while at his parents we was all joking around and I called him “ mummy’s boy” to he replied “ well at least I have a mum” my mum died in October and so I’m still very raw.
I can’t get the words out of my head and as he thought it was funny and when I shrugged him off after when he tried to touch me, he turned it to I’m a moody bitch who shouldn’t of felt upset. Even when I addressed him a little later he got snotty saying “ oh she is talking to me then”
I stayed calm until I got home alone and cried so hard.
I texted him that I didn’t want to talk or see him at the moment.
He messaged me other day to go see my best friend who lives miles away (he was working up there) I told him I hate him and no longer want him near me.
I am heartbroken as now I a, gruelling alone.

I’m not coping well, no one cares and my depression has come on bad, I’m not sleeping, not eating right and just crying all the time.
I want to go see my mum and dad and talk to them but I can’t.
I want my man to hold me but we are not good together and broken too much.
I just don’t know how to carry on.

Hi @Peace.kelly,

Thank you for reaching out - it sounds like you have gone through so much - it’s completely okay to feel overwhelmed by all these things. You are dealing with a lot and it’s understandable that sometimes it gets too much.

I want to reassure you that you’re never alone - there’s always someone out there to support you.

If you feel like you’re in crisis and need some extra support outside of the community, I would encourage you to reach out to one of these organisations below who can help you stay safe.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
  • If these thoughts of suicide become too much and you’re worried you’re going to harm yourself, please call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

We also offer free counselling at Sue Ryder, if you feel some one-to-one support might help.

I would also really encourage you to make an appointment with your GP to talk through some of what is going on right now and to see what support they can offer you. You deserve help and support.

Please know that the community is always here for you - we care about you and you are not alone.

Take lots of care - keep reaching out,

Seaneen

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You have been through so much in a short space of time and its a lot to deal with. Your emotions are playing havoc and Im not surprised you feel so low. You need support right now from someone you trust, have you a close friend you can talk to?
I went through a divorce a year ago and I lost my sister 6 weeks ago so I understand how desperately lonely and depressed you feel. Hang on in there but please get help from your GP, dont struggle by yourself x

My best friend lives hundreds of miles away from me and like me is in pain physically so when she is awake I’m asleep as we both not sleeping well.
I do message her when I’m low but nothing is the same as having someone holding me or being there if I need to just come over. I have two other friends who in past have been there for me but both seem to not have time for me and that’s hurting too.
My partner was my best too and my rock for things that happened when we first met and the cancer. But now I can’t talk to him as he has proved he is not right for me no more.

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Lonliness is the worst feeling in the world, Im so sorry that your partner isnt supporting you through this tough time, I can understand how hurt your feeling. I have also found that friends who you could talk to and rely on stop getting in touch, I appreciate they have busy lives but it hurts deeply doesnt it.
I am always happy to listen and share thoughts and feelings with you, please dont suffer in silence, it helps me to talk.
Sending hugs your way
Jan x

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Thank you and I’ll will when I’m low again. I posted again at 3am on new post so I am coming here when I need you all.

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