Feeling lost

I lost my mum just over 3 years ago to lung cancer which spread to her brain.

I know this sounds random but I was watching an episode of coronation street, where one of the characters was told she had a brain tumour.
It took me straight back to that awful day, when the Drs dropped that bombshell on us, ‘We’re sorry to tell you that there are 5 lesions on your brain, I’m afraid we can’t operate and all we can do is make it as comfortable as possible for you’.
Boom, the day my life changed forever.
Since then, I’ve been living, breathing, going to work, eating, drinking etc but I feel like it’s someone else’s life, like it’s all a big foggy blur and I don’t know who I am anymore?
I was so strong when mum was ill and after she died, for my dad and brothers. Everyone else has moved on with their life, and my mum seems to hardly ever be mentioned anymore. I think I’m the one falling apart now, after all this time? Maybe I should have let it all out back then, and it wouldn’t be coming back to bite me now?
I don’t think bottling it up to stay strong for everyone works at all, it just causes more problems further down the line.
One way or another, I’ve not been physically well for the past year or so and I’m sure it’s alot to do with your mental state.
I miss her so much it hurts.
It’s hard finding anyone to talk to, everyone’s got their own issues and you don’t want to burden people with your own problems (especially when they seem to be happier) but I’m feeling very lonely lately.

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone they love, it’s the worst imaginable pain.

Stay strong xx

Hi Nicki,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your mum. It sounds really understandable to me that seeing a scene like that on TV would bring everything back to you.

I think that you are right that bottling up your emotions can cause problems further down the line - in fact, Sue Ryder did some research that shows that not talking about grief can make it last for longer. However, the good news is that it’s never to late to start getting some support. I’m glad that you’ve been able to take the step of writing some of it down here - many of our users find it really helpful to have this site as an outlet for their feelings, and a place to talk to others who understand.

For example, here are some other recent posts from people who lost a parent a few years ago.

As well as talking to others on this site, some people can find that it helps to talk to a trained person one-on-one, either through a charity like Cruse Bereavement, or by asking their GP to be referred to some counselling.

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the site, just let me know.

Priscilla
Community Manager

Dear Nicki,

I’m so sorry to hear things have been hard for you recently. I think that mental state probably does have an impact on our physical health. It’s a slightly different point, but I’ve been reading a book called “the mindbody prescription” and I’m fairly sure the author basically says that physical pain can come from psychosomatic issues (i think?!). Are you able to talk to a health care professional at all about how you’re doing both mentally and physically?

I relate to the way in which it feels like you are carrying on with life, but it feels different, or unfamiliar, or a bit strange.

I keep feeling this need to tell everyone that my mum has passed. I write about it on social media. It’s not for attention, I think I just don’t want people to forget her. If they are friends, they will want to be there for you, and if that means talking about your mum then go for it! It’s an awkward topic sometimes, and they won’t want to bring it up for fear of causing you distress, but if its something you want to talk about, don’t hold back. Tell them what you’ve told us. You shouldn’t have to hold back talking about her just because it’s sad, or because it’s been a few years. I think one of the issues is that people don’t know just how life-changing it is, until it happens to them.

Please take care of yourself. Don’t hide away, or bottle up your feelings. Please keep talking to people (online, in person, telephone) about your mum. Do what you need to do, to get through this. Losing a mum is just life shattering but somehow, we must, and do, find a way to keep going. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about losing her. x

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