Feeling of guilt

I lost my husband December 2021, not quite 3 months yet but I am not coping well at all as the overwhelming emotion I seem to be carrying is guilt. He was under pallative care but had not been given a time limit when I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was advised to have half my lung removed immediately, at first I refused as I wanted to spend my time with him and didn’t care what happened to me but he insisted that I had the op. The following week I had the op but he had a turn for the worst whilst I was in hospital but I made it home to spend a few weeks with him before he passed but now I live with the guilt that if I had not had the op we would have had a few more months together and managed to complete the little trips we had planned. I am sure it was the worry he had for me that caused him to decline so quickly. I have been told that the doctors managed to get all the cancer and my prognosis is good. I should be pleased but I don’t as what was the point without him. I miss him so much and cannot help but blame myself.

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Is it at all possible for you to see that he wanted you to have the operation for his peace of mind, his way of looking after you, I would have thought it would have been unbearable for him to be leaving you without and thinking what would become of you. You have been through so much in a few months, it’s massive. My boyfriend was found dead beginning of December, I still feel partly in shock and big waves come, but also my mind is churning all the time rewriting history endlessly, I think this is part of grief, if life had just carried on we would not be thinking of these things, but because of the finality we go over and over. I think it is part of it, I definitely can feel hugely guilty, thinking if I had done this or that. You had to cope with two huge things at the same time, it’s going to take time best wishes Caroline

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Hello, I just wanted to welcome you here and that I am so sorry that your husband died. Where we find ourselves is so difficult and bleak, I know. You join a community of people who are hurting too, and who are with you. It is my husband’s funeral today. He died 3 weeks ago in a hospice. I should never have agreed to the end of active treatment, so know guilt, too. Hold tight, know that you are not alone. Keep posting. We are with you.

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Thank you for making a little sense out of madness as I think you are quite right in regards to ‘if I had done this or that’ things may be different I am sorry for the sudden loss of your boyfriend I am not surprised you are in shock. Its quite a blow to take. My thoughts and understanding are with you. Take care Tina x

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Thank you for your kind words. I hope all went well for your husbands funeral its such a sad time and makes you realise you were not asleep and all of the sadness and pain are actually real. Take good care of yourself. Tina x