I lost my Mum in 2020. She had Copd and heart failure and ended up on 24hr oxygen. She was poorly for ages before she died and I spent lots of time gping to her house to pick her up off the floor, clean her up and either put her back to bed or get an ambulance for her to go into hospital. The last time she went into hospital was so that she could be put into a care home as she couldnt cope at home. Unfortunately the day she was meant to go in was the day she died. I have two sisters and a brother who didn’t do as much for Mum as i did but i now feel that that’s because i didn’t let them perhaps? I feel a tremendous amount of guilt, did I do enough? Did I involve everyone? Also, Mums ashes are with my sister (i was happy with this at the time and didnt want to upset my sister) but Mum said she wanted to be put with her Mum when she died. Ive had to contact my sister and tell her this, so I’ve now upset her as apparently I never said this (but they never asked) I’m feeling sad, guilty, very very upset and don’t have anyway to talk to.
So sorry you’re going through this. You mention you didn’t let your siblings help… what is it you said no to?
Did they offer lots of help?
I know some families split the ashes so maybe you could consider this.
I was the nearest person from where Mum lived so it was easier for me to get to her than my siblings so when Mum had a help pendant for when she fell it automatically contacted me and I went to her. Perhaps I should have let my siblings do it but I felt that being the nearest meant I’d get to her quickly. One time she was on the floor and had had a heart attack. Also, Mum wanted me rather than the others I think as she felt more comfortable with me (especially when it was intimate care) That’s not my fault but it does make me feel bad. Also whenever I say to my sister that perhaps I could have done more she never ever says dont be silly you did what you could, just ignores me.
Ok… so it sounds like your siblings didn’t offer to help nor did they simply just help? It wasn’t up to you to ask them. I’ve learnt that families can be bloody useless.
It really does sound like you did an amazing job so please try and stop doubting yourself. It’s a normal part of grief xx
Thank you, my partner has said exactly the same thing.
And I’d imagine if this was a friend of yours saying what you have you’d say exactly the same. Try speaking to yourself as you would a good friend xxx
Hi Maria moore,
Just read your post.Just want to say please don’t beat yourself up about did you do this that or the other.You did everything you could have done at the time and you were the one there for your mum.Dont feel guilty about anything bec what you did at the time was given from your heart and your mum wanted you there.Your siblings have choices and it was up to them to help,visit more and contribute to help you. I have a brother and sister who were not there when my mum was ill and passed away.They let me down dreadfully and since mum passed are nowhere to be seen and have left me to sort and sell mum’s house.You cannot change people so don’t try.Just hold your head up high and know that your mum knew you were there for her and appreciated everything you did for her.It is only natural to feel guilty about anything as you are grieving and trying to make sense of everything .I am sure everyone on here has felt the same. Try to look after yourself and keep strong. I always try to think my mum is with me in spirit every day and that’s what keeps me going.
Post anytime as people on here will always reply and help you
Big hugs
Deborah
Thank you so much, what you’ve said has made me feel much better. I adored my Mum and I know she did me. I think that’s what makes me feel so bad, because we had such a special relationship which meant that Mum didn’t always want anyone else, but thats not my fault. I tried not to be the one to have all
of my Mums time and attention but we loved each other and I wanted to be there for her even before she got poorly. We rang each other every day, I visited her loads, she visited me, we went shopping together, we went on holiday together. I even worked with her at one point! I feel now that I should have been the one to let the others get involved more, should have spoken to them more about things perhaps and I do feel sorry for that, but it works both ways, they could also have tried harder I suppose, like you said. I’ve decided to get some counseling and hopefully try and sort myself out. Expressing how I feel definitely helps,
Hi Maria, Please don’t feel guilty - although I can vouch we have all felt that emotion at some point during the grieving process. I agree with others on here. Your family had choices and were free to exercise those choices. Even if you did lead or help your Mum first. You did that out of love. The only thing stopping them was themselves. I guess they are also feeling guilt right now and transferring that on to you. We all cope differently and just by reading your post I can tell you loved your Mum unconditionally.
I still feel guilt 8 months on for what I perceive I didn’t do. I know I did what I could and more than most. I berate myself for working when I should have maybe cared for Mum myself. However, I know Mum didnt want that. The cycle continues. Take care, Jules x
Thank you, its awful isn’t? I feel the same as you , that I should have given up work and cared for Mum full time too, but I didn’t. I wish I had, but I’m not sure that I’d have managed on my own anyway xx
Hi Mazmo,
So glad you have posted again. I gave up my job ten years ago to do more and spend quality time with my mum and we did.We went everywhere tog,holidays spa days cinema shopping trips picnics on the beach in the car during COVID etc
I stayed with her for approx 3 or 4 nights every week and did everything I possibly could for her.We were buddies real best friends. But I still feel guilty for not doing enough and for phoning 999 the night she went into hosp.You see there will always be something we will feel guilty for and we will no doubt beat ourselves up for the rest of our lives. What I have realised over the past awful grief stricken 8 mths is that the time we spent with our mum’s was all they ever wanted whether that was days on end of five minutes because it’s not the amount of time spent with them but the quality of it. You did your dam best and your mum knew it so hold your head up high. It is now time to heal after the mist awful experience of your life.Post on here as often as you can as it will help you. If it hadn’t been for the friends I have made on here I don’t know where I would be now. This site is amazing and you will realise you are posting to people who really understand.
Will check in you again soon
Big hugs
Deborah x