Feeling out of step?

Hello there,
Firstly my deepest sympathy on your sad loss, as others on this site have said, the feelings you are experiencing are quite normal. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, there is no magic pill to take which will take away the pain you are going through.
On a personal point of view, having lost my wife of 44 years at the beginning of April, I find it difficult to try and go on with my life. I have to force myself to go out at times, and once out find it difficult to do the things we did as a couple.
Calling into coffee shops is now alien to me, it doesn’t seem right somehow.
I have been told that “time is a great healer”, in my case I am not sure there is enough time left.
I thank the Lord for giving me 44 years with my wife and for the support of my family.

That could easily have been me writing that, I am EXACTLY like that, the most awful feeling ever!! Janet x

Hi Pedro I to lost my husband after 43 years and that was two and a half years ago and feel the same way you do. I often put my mask on but for me it is not being lonely but alone. I know many people but still feel alone and out of my depth around othets. Take care

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I lost my wife in May and I cope by :
1…Focussing on helping others
2. Doing things my wife would like me to do eg gardening and buying roses for her with names like “Let there be Love”
3 Joininga bereavement group.Mine is called Keystone and we are all widows or widowers, so there is empathy between us all and we taaaalk openly about our situation and interests. We go on trips, have lunch together once a week.This all helps the healing process.Some have been coming for 4 years but I have just started and it works for me.
Good luck and don’t be afraid as someone will provide love and friendship. Not as good but enough to help you heal the in process of bereavement. Phillip

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Hi … Thankyou for replying. Yes I get that. I have plenty of friends family and neighbours around who have been really kind and understanding but I still feel alone … sometimes I isolate myself because I do t want to interact with others. It’s conflicting isn’t it. I dont like family gatherings … I feel like I do t want to play happy families because mine is gone. Don’t get me wrong I do t begrudge anyone their families at all abd I would never wish this on anyone…: I either put on my mask and tolerate it or go into hermit mode!

Take care abd look after you. Love Sue x

Hi Philip … you are doing so well. My husband died 29th April and I can’t yet bring myself to join a widows group etc I really can’t. I do t know if I ever will. I do try to help others and do stuff in the garden and house … I’m finding it so hard. I’m glad you are doing better than me!

Take care. Love Sue x

Thank you Philip.

I have a friend whose wife died from cancer in his arms at home, like mine and four years on he exists in a state of morbid romance and has not move on.The unfortunate outcome is that he drinks too much and he is becoming ill with respitary problems.
It is important that you recognise the risk and try to move forward and not remain cocooned from the community, otherwise you run the risk of compounding the problem with ill health.
It is a tough battle and it takes time but you must try and focus on other people and reach out to friends and helpers…I belong to a bereavement group ( we are all in the same boat) and that helps enormously. Your GP can probably advise you on local group where you live.
Take care Phillip

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Thank you Phillip … no chance of me drinking too much … that’s not me! I know it’s hard to take that first step. My husband was my absolute soulmate for 45 years and I just find it so difficult. He was such. Good man … he didn’t deserve to go through what he did. Both our sons died too so this is the third time for me … it’s unbearable really to think they are all gone. Take care, Sue x

I relate to all said. It is nearly two and a half years since I lost my husband but everything seems meaningless. Nothing is the same anymore. Do not enjoy the things like I used to.

Lyn ,

How I recognise how you feel, I am the same, I do what needs doing but it is all so completely meaningless.
Whoever said time is a great healer is a liar!
One person described it as a pointless hell and that is just what it is for many of us, not all.
There are obviously people who have found a way to carry on and good luck to them. However busy I keep, whatever I get involved with makes no difference, all enjoyment has gone from the simplest of things.
A few postings in the "Alcohol " thread resonate with me- I no longer care about my health the last thing I want is years of this horror.
None of us deserved this, neither did our loved ones. S

Lyn,

I feel the same , whoever said time is a great healer was a liar.
I do what needs doing but it’s all so completely meaningless, however busy I keep or whatever I get involved with doesn’t help. There’s no pleasure in the simplest things anymore.
Other people find a way to carry on and good luck to them.
Some of the posts on the “Alcohol” thread resonate with me, I no longer care about my health , I certainly don’t want years of this “pointless hell” as one contributor on this forum put it. Pointless, meaningless and painful is how I would put it.
Good luck to everyone who does want to find a way to live on and there are many I know. Sadme

I so understand these feelings I lost my darling husband 4 months ago after 53 years of marrage I try to keep positive hoping that one day my everyday life will start to make sense I so want to feel excited about doing things again as l did with my husband i try to tell myself he would want me to enjoy the same things that we enjoyed doing together even our lovely garden has no enjoyment but I do it I use to be so proud of our lovely home but not any more I am told I have to live for both of us but that’s not going to work when I am finding it so hard just to except that it’s just me my family and friends are brilliant but at the end of the day I am on my own. I hope we all find our peace one day.
X

Dear Sadme…I know what it’s like to feel you are no longer the same person. I set myself goals time wise but that did not work. I clung onto anything that was different…like sitting in his chair so I didn’t have to look at it. I also hid the different me from others and that on top of the grief was very wearing. Being alone was different from just loneliness ,and I’m still feeling that after three years. Also caring for myself when I had no one to keep fit for was something I’m still working on.
I can’t fill the void but I do feel more accepting , and recognise the journey I’ve been on is not something I want to rub out but a mark of where I am now. More hopeful for sure…and I hope you will gradually get there too. Take care Hazel M.

My wife died just over a year ago and since then I’ve done quite a lot of walking alone and being away from home in hotels or my campervan. I assumed that it would be just the same as it always was, as I had walked and camped alone with the blessing of my wife over a lot of years. It isn’t the same and I feel different about it now.
I’ve pushed myself to have a wide range of interests and I quite look forward to spending time with a range of people, few of which are couples, and I realise that I have become interested and enthused by some things. It’s been a gradual process and it’s just crept up on me. It’s probably a decent return for the effort I’ve put in. I just couldn’t contemplate a life without anything to look forward to.
I’d much rather have my old life but that isn’t going to happen. I’ve accepted that and realise that any change must start with me.

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