Its been 9 months since my beloved passed away i miss him so much 
i cry daily i cant help it. He brought so much light to my life. My life is so much duller without him I’m at a loss most days. But i try to go on . I have to. Even though most days i would rather not leave the house. At least I’ve got my job it keeps me going. My family also help which is a blessing because without them i would be at a loss.
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Cry until the tears stop. They will. Just not yet.
I am so sorry that your beloved died. It is a nightmare from which we can not wake, isn’t it?
Each of us grieves in our own ways, despite being in the same miserable place and having the same experiences.
18 months in and you will be in a different place mentally. Cut yourself some slack, it takes a lot of time and a lot of healing to get there.
Much love.
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Thank you very much .