Feeling so aline

Hello Bereft. My husband also tried to get out of bed but as he could hardly move I knew he wouldn’t make it. I did half hope for a miracle to happen though. It breaks my heart to think about it as he was convinced he could get up in his drugged confused mind. He kept talking about taking the car to places and then we would walk together as we had done so often. So he had got some memory of our life together. I would talk to him as if we was going out any minute encouraging to remember. Then he would become angry and sometimes call me names and swear at me. Actually it made me laugh after the initial shock (he was such a kind quiet man really). I understood by then it was his confused mind really and not him. But this was our last couple of days together. I would also talk to him about the walking we did, the routes we had done when in England and abroad, I do so hope he could hear me in his last hours and passed with these thoughts.

My wife got gradually more confused and I wondered if it was part of the brain shutting down to protect her from the reality of dying. As she also had a brain tumour growing larger each day that would obviously make a difference. What amazed me was that she could be quite lucid and rational and then suddenly tell she wanted to go upstairs and have a shower and could I help her get there. She was totally immobile and bedbound at the time. I think I’m grateful for the confusion as it may have ensured she didn’t know how close she was to death and helped her to remain peaceful. There is just so much we don’t know about consciousness and brain function.

Thank you Pattidot. It will be 11 weeks tomorrow since my husband died and this week has been worse than last but I suppose that is just the way it is.

Hi bereft. Mine will be 11 weeks on Saturday. How I hate Saturdays. Doesn’t seem to be any let up with the ;pain does there. I am beginning to accept that this is my lot and trying to make the best of it. We must fight on though, determined to get something that will resemble a life again.

Yes Yorkshire Lad my Brian was also becoming more confused and totally immobile. On The Wednesday night he asked me for boiled eggs and soldiers and said he would like to see one of his friends. The next morning my lovely man was rambling, swearing at me, fighting me off when I tried to see to him. Not my Brian, he had gone. But occasionally,like your wife, something must have clicked and he came momentarily back to me. Just before he died he opened his eyes and in a loud voice said “Am I going to die or something” I laughed and told him not to be so daft and to hurry up and get himself out of that bed as I needed the lawnmower started. He also said “That Pat always goes at everything like a bull in a china shop” I do want everything done ‘yesterday’ so what made him think of that. Then he would drift away from me again. How on earth did I manage to reply to him as if we was having a normal conversation. I would then move away out of sight and cry. Two faces, I learned to switch. He died on the Saturday morning.

So sorry for you.

Pattidot, it’s so awful reliving the last moments of our loved ones lives wishing it hadn’t happened. You were so courageous and did the best you possibly could for him. Xx

Morning Pattidot, I did the same as you; tried to keep the conversation and tone of my voice light, with my usual replies. To let him know how I was falling apart right beside him…just unimaginable. I don’t know how you managed it but you did. Sometimes I feel it’s right to relive moments like these. Each time I speak or write about them, something changes…my recollection the next time doesn’t seem to be as brutally painful or vivid. I hope there are some lighter moments in your day, I’ll be here listening, xx

Hi there Rainbow and all you kind people. I had forgotten these moments before I started writing about them. Your right it has helped to relive these times, our last conversations if you can call them that. I can even see a funny side to some of the things he was saying, if that makes sense. How did we manage to stop ourselves from falling apart, So many of us have been to hell and back. Now we are helping each other.

Hi Pattidot it is a battle we have win. Although sometimes I wonder where the strength to keep going comes from. 10 weeks tomorrow since I said goodbye to my darling Gerald. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and then it feels like only yesterday. I held on to his hand and wouldn’t leave his side. I just kept talking to him telling him how much I loved him and that we made a great team. I pray he heard me.
The thought of trying to think about making a new life for just me is terrifying. I think it must be the loneliest feeling we have to face as far as moving forward is concerned. Some days I want to take steps forward then other days I want things back how they were. Loneliness, deep grief, unimaginable loss. All this on top of trying to get our lives back, it’s enough to tip you over the edge. Good job we all have each other.
Sleep well all x

Hi Daphne. Everything you have written is exactly my feelings. I too held his hand, talked to him, told him how much I loved him. I too hope and ;pray he was aware of me in his final moments. I can’t see a new life just an extension of the old one but with him not there physically. I write a letter to him every night and tell him all that I have done that day and reminding him to come and visit me when he’s got a minute. Assuring him of my love and that he is always with me, I pretend he’s just gone away. I’m the same, some days I think I’m doing quite well, others it hits me hard that he simple isn’t around anymore. I have his photo’s everywhere and talk to him. I even tell him off for causing me so much grief. Today while walking the dogs a lady said to me that, it’s a good job that I’m such a strong person and coping so well. Wasn’t aware I was, just learning to keep my grief masked in the outside world and telling myself everyday that I can do this. Being half a person is indeed lonely. We are very necessary lifeline for each other. Take care.