Feeling so angry and resentful.....

I lost my 63 husband suddenly 2 days ago…he had a fall which he never got over, and became very depressed.
We had been struggling since January to try and find the proper treatment for his back pain, and then right out of the blue he had heart failure!
Cheers for that!!!
We never had any children and my 91 year old Mum who lives with us, has been amazing.
I have good friends, but I have always been the the kind of person who doesn’t want too offload too much on other peoples lives.
Now, in just two days, I can feel this large, gaping hole starting to grow inside, and I felt so grateful to find this site so that I can voice how I really feel.
We were together for 41 years, worked all our lives and had so many plans for the future
My only sister, who we were both very close to passed away 6 years ago, and we were coping with that loss together.
Now he has gone too.
I feel so very angry, that my small family have had to take more than their fair share of bullets!
Even my friend, (who is one of 6 siblings), when told the news of my husband, said ‘Oh my God, that is so unfair’, and although I truly do not wish her, or anyone else any harm whatsoever, I cant help feeling that life plays these awful cruel tricks on some people and not others, and I have lost all faith in it.

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Hi Kathryn

I’m so sorry for your recent loss and my heart goes out to you. You must be in total shock as it was such a short time ago. It’s good that you’ve reached out to this site as you are feeling what so many of us here feel.

My husband Ian passed away 12 weeks ago from cancer which was diagnosed only 7 weeks before. During the initial tests at the hospital one doctor said Ian looked too well to be there! We were actually in the middle of bringing him home from the hospital when one of the ambulance crew took me aside and told me he would never make it and would die in the ambulance. So I asked for Ian to be put back in his hospital bed and he died about 45 minutes later.

I keep reliving those final hours time and time again and like you, I just feel life is just not fair. Ian was a kind and gentle husband who deserved a future that he will never now have.

I’m trying hard not to feel resentful when I see couples of the same age as we were, smiling and laughing. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone but our future together was so cruelly and suddenly taken away. We had been told a year with chemo but Ian never had any as he had to have radiotherapy for a brain tumour before they could start.

My advice to you is the same I was given 12 weeks ago, take one day at a time. Grieve in your own way and don’t expect too much of yourself. If I’m honest, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to accept what has happened and so might seek out grief counselling. The problem is it can never alter the past and I’m dreading the future.

Take care,
X Julie

Ladies,

Sorry to hear of your loses. Nothing prepares you the lose of your soulmate. This site has been amazing. Although we don’t know each other or have never met there is immense comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles …… even though we won’t wish this on any of us or others.

I lost my husband Martin back in March. He was 60 years old and suffered a massive heart attack at home. It was so sudden and unexpected and I honestly believed we would reach old age together.
I struggle with people, especially those who have never experienced this loss, giving me advise. I am one of six siblings and my family have been so so supportive …… so then I have to deal with my guilt of feeling so jealous that they all have their life’s in tact and someone to share their life’s with.
To lose your partner is like a double bereavement. You lose the love of your life as well as your future together.
Everything to me feels so bitter sweet. My husband was very popular and funny and caring. So I’m proud to have been the wife of this amazing man but I struggle to except he has been taken instead of some horrible person…… I don’t like how I feel or think sometimes, I’m hoping it’s just the process of grief and not me changing as a person.
I can’t offer any advise or solutions but know that you are not alone and please message me if you need to chat, shout, what ever !!

Hugs ladies
Denise

Hello @kathryn2, @Trixie1 and @Dee64,

Firstly, thank you for starting this thread, @kathryn2 and for opening up about your situation and how you are feeling. I can see you have just joined the community - I do hope you find it helpful and a good source of support as you process the sudden death of your Husband. It is such early days and how you are feeling is completely understandable.

I was so sorry to read about your Husbands and what you have all been through and wanted to thank you for the ways you have offered words of encouragement and support to one another, despite your own pain. I also wanted to reach out to the three of you, following what you have shared, to let you know about some other support services which you might find helpful:

Sudden have some useful resources on their website for bereaved adults following a sudden death.
WAY (Widowed and Young) is for anyone under 50 and WAY Up is for anyone 50+ who has lost a partner - both offer online forums and offline meet-ups which may mean you can meet others in a similar situation to you.
● Sue Ryder also offers online bereavement counselling should you feel some one-to-one support would be helpful - if you are interested, you can find out more here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

@Trixie1, I particularly liked what you said when you shared: “grieve in your own way and don’t expect too much of yourself.” I think that is really helpful - given that you are all processing the sudden and devastating nature of your Husband’s death, you definitely need to take care of yourselves, give yourselves time to grieve and take one step at a time, however big or small that is.

Please do keep on reaching out and know that you’re not alone.

Take care,
Megan

Online Community team

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Thank you so much Megan for this information…

thank you so very much indeed Denise for taking the time to reply to my post.
I am so very sorry to hear about Martin.
My husband Roger had a very bad fall in January and never picked up,
We were watching TV (Frasier!..He loved Frasier)! on Saturday night, and he suddenly had congestion, and asked what could be causing it, and he said he thought it might be the Ibrufen(!) and then he was gone.
Like you, we always thought we would have some more years together.
He had always wanted to visit Edinburgh and Whitby, and they were on his list once he got better.
Like Martin, Roger was very popular and funny, and kind. He was a larger than life character with many interests. It is so very hard to accept that he has gone.
I think your jealous feelings are completely natural.
What I am finding hard to deal with are text messages from people asking me if I am OK(!)…
What do they want me to say?
I dont think that grief is changing you as a person.
You are dealing with such an awful tragedy.
When things settle a bit, I will message you if that is ok?
I feel as though you really understand my situation.

Take care.
Your kindness shines through
Thank you

Thank you so much Julie for taking the time to reply to my post.
I am so very sorry to hear about Ian. He must have been so brave enduring all that he did.
As you say, life is so unfair.
Infact, I think it is quite indiscriminate and brutal!
What an incredibly awful situation you were in, thinking that Ian was going to be discharged, and then then losing him.
Like you, I keep reliving those last hours, and just keep seeing the Paramedics in our living room surrounded by all his clutter ( he was a collector of everything, and a bit of a hoarder)!
Then being in the ‘Family’ Room and being told that Roger had 30 minutes to live.
I dont think you should try not to be resentful of other couples.
I think it is so natural after all you have been through.
Thank you for your very wise advice to take one day at a time…(sometimes it is just one hour)!

My heart goes out to you.
You are a very strong lady to have got through the way you have

Take care too
Kathryn xx

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Hi Kathryn

Thank you for your kind words but I’m not strong, I just can’t bear the thought of being in the house without Ian.

It was easier for me to come to Spain rather than face being alone. I know I will have to as my flight is booked for next Monday and I am having to make a determined effort not to extend my time out here.

You are so right when you say that life is brutal and indiscriminate.

Take care,
X Julie

Hi Denise

Your words really echo how I am feeling. I have found myself ‘listing’ everyone I know and thinking why am I the one whose husband passed away so suddenly and have been left to live a life alone. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but I still think ‘why us’?

It all just seems so cruel and unfair as we were happy in each other’s company and like you, thought we would be together for many more years. Little did we know ……

Take care,
X Julie

I get the ‘why us’? We had so much more to do and loved just being together- rarely had a cross word. We have had several other members of the close family die or become terminally ill. Why does life keep on dealing blows?

Thank you Megan and it really does help to know that one is not alone.

Julie x

So sorry Julie… Since being on this site, I have come to realise that that word ‘strong’ is not the right word to use, as it is the last thing you feel… Xx

Hi Kathryn

There is no need to apologise at all and I’m sorry you felt you needed to.

I couldn’t face returning on the 20th so have extended my stay for another7/10 days. I must return then …,

Julie x

Please message any time. Xx

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Hi Julie…

I hope you find the extra 7 to 10 days a time to reflect on going home…
Easier said than done !

Kathryn x

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