Feeling so desperate

I just don’t know how to get through the day with the feelings I have. I understand now what people mean when they say they’re in a dark place.just don’t know what to do. I feel completely alone

Hi CM, I am sorry for your pain. I relate to how you are feeling. I sink into that dark place almost every day since losing my beloved Sister/Best Friend. The loneliness of grief is cruel and isolating. I was always social, joined groups, had many friends, but since she died I never felt so alone. This forum has been a lifeline for me in these past months, and others will be here for you as well. I spend many a lost and lonely night on this site, reading and posting. I hope you will keep coming back. You will find others, like myself, who are familiar with that “dark place.” There is caring and support here. You are not alone. Take care, Sister2

Thank you so much for replying when you are going through such a sad time yourself. I have never used a forum before so didn’t know what to expect. Iam just feeling so desperate alone and a whole load of other emotions - like guilt for being off work when other people seem to manage to carry on.
I just never believed it was possible to cry this much. I too am avoiding seeing people & my family only understand my pain to an extent so I don’t feel I can talk to them much. I just can’t see my future without my friend. I need her so much.I don’t know what to do.
How long ago did you lose your sister? Iam so sorry for you too.
Take good care

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Dear CM, How are you getting on today? Not to worry how others are managing at work, only you will know when the right time is for you to return. Try not to put more pressure on yourself. I believe I rushed back too soon. My sister left this earth 3 May, 2018. I dread this May, because not only will it be the anniversary of her death, but two days after, on 5 May, would have been her birthday. Like your friend & you, we were bonded for life. We told each other everything, we shared our days and laughed and cried together. She was the best friend I ever had, or ever will have. Someone once told me, they lost their wife of 30 years, and they felt it was “much worse.” I do not think one can compare grief. Both my sister & I were single, and I knew her from before she was born. I remember asking my Mum, “when is the baby coming out?” She was my little doll, I practically raised her. It seems your friend was also “family” and your closest confidant. She was indeed, your sister. Your pain is real, and your loss is enormous. Everyone on this forum lost someone who was their light and who brought them joy, and that is what we all have in common, regardless of who we lost. Not too many lost a sibling, but still they are kind and supportive to those of us who have.
I understand not being able to express your feeling to many people. So hard to carry on, when we have to put on that “mask” every day. I relate to not seeing a future without our special sister/friend to share it with. The years ahead seem so empty now. But still we must try, even on those dark days when we cannot seem to find the strength. I am here to listen. All of us here are walking this painful journey together. Take care, and be gentle with yourself.
Xxx Sister2

You are so right. It makes such a difference to be in contact with people who really know how you are feeling.
It sounds like such a special relationship with your sister and that must leave such a massive hole in your life. It is frightening thinking about the future with a person so vital in our lives.I just can’t even go there.
I also remember the first anniversaries/birthdays/Christmas after my dad died (nearly 4 years ago) & they were such a trigger for all the deep sadness & grief. I never thought it would get any better but it has got easier over the 4 years, although I still miss him like mad. It isn’t the raw pain that i felt at first.I do feel for you going through the first anniversary and birthday though cos they are incredibly tough times.
I guess my recent loss will follow the same pattern but at the moment I can’t see beyond the shock that I’ll never see my friend again and the sheer pain of it all.
Take care of yourself and thank you for being there for me.It means alot.
C

Hello sister 2, how are you tonight? I was reading some of your postings and wanted to say you are very articulate and understanding. Your empathy for others comes across very clearly, I have no doubt you help a lot of people on here. I’m been feeling low today and although I went to the shop and done housework the tears were flowing at the same time. Like your sister my son left this life too soon. I’d give everything for another day with him…xo

Thank you, I am so touched by your praise Orchard. Perhaps my years working in the Mental Health sector, might account for my ability to readily tune into other’s pain. I know I have always been a listener, and someone others felt comfortable revealing their problems. I am just glad to be here to offer any support I can, after all the warm and caring responses I’ve been receiving since my tragic loss. I am sorry you are feeling low, but it is understandable. This pain ebbs and flows through our days and the tears can come at any time, and any place (usually when I am in the car). Your son was taken suddenly and untimely, yes like my sweet little sister. Oh if only another moment with them. Today our Mum is gone 7 years. I miss them both so much, and want them back here with me. Death is that thief in the night, that breaks into our lives, robbing us of everything that was precious to us. My heart goes out to you and I feel your sadness. Wishing you comfort & peace. Here for you. Xxx Sister2

Hi CM, How are you today? Yes my sister & I did have a unique relationship. A life long bond, even more so after losing our Mum, 7 years ago today. From reading your posts it sounds like you & your friend shared a similar relationship. My sister was my best friend, and your friend was in every way a “sister,” to you as well. I agree in not letting yourself jump ahead to the finality of it all. Day by day, minute by minute is the best course, I find. The loss of your Dad is rather recent as well. Each loss compounds the one’s before. I just wanted to check in on you in your time of such sadness and loss. We are all here for each other, so please reach out any time. Take care. Xxx Sister2

Hi Sister2
You are such a lovely caring person. I appreciate your support so much. It really had been a lifeline in some terrible days.
Iam going through a strange couple of days now, just feeling numb. No tears for 2 days & just very flat. It’s odd after weeks of crying my heart out daily. It’s an odd process grief, isn’t it? Unpredictable in some waysbut very predictable in others. I don’t know whether to expect more of this is the years & panic will hit me again at some point. Who knows?
I feel like a fraud cos am off work but not crying yet I know, particularly with the job I have, i know really Iam not fit to be there. It’s just the guilt I think. I dont do sickness leave easily!
You are right about the cumulative effect of loss too. I do more crying about my dad who died almost 4 years ago in the car than anywhere. Its music that sets me off.
How are you doing today? You have experienced such alot of loss too.
Take good care

Hello CM-Thinking of you. Thank you for the kind words. I find my tears also seem to freeze up and I too feel numb (there really is something called "frozen grief "). So much crying for so long can be a release, but can also be exhausting. Our grief is so individual, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What ever you are feeling (or not feeling right now). is ok. You are not a "fraud, " but I understand not taking sick days. I was always at work, no matter what, I found it a form of therapy. Since my sister died I find I need to detach more. I have very little reserve to give to others. and in the mental health sector one is constantly expected to give.
I just wanted to say hello. and let you know others are always here to listen. This is not an easy path we are all on. Take care and have a better night. Xxx Sister2

Hi.Iam glad to hear from you. I do feel guilty about being off work and I don’t know how you have managed it. I am a social worker and have to give so much to people in my job too so I know what you mean. It is also a job where you are “on show” in terms of running training, presenting cases, expressing opinions. It’s not easy to hide away or have a quiet day.also, in the area I work I deal with people who have experienced loss and grief - so not great for me at the moment.
Iam feeling so low in the last few days and really exhausted. I cried alot yesterday as I spoke with a counsellor but other than that i do feel numb and just very low & anxious. It’s certainly not getting any easier.
My manager is visiting me tomorrow.Iam going to talk about a return to work. I know I’m putting myself under pressure - it’s not coming from my manager - but i just can’t see my feelings changing for some time so wonder if I should just go back.
Iam really struggling to make myself get out of bed in the morning though or to motivate myself to do anything. Iam also still avoiding people so have only spent time with my sister, niece & 1 friend in the last 4 weeks. I just can’t face anyone. I hate feeling like this. I just feel so lonely & miserable.
Do you spend time with your friends and family?
Some people just don’t get it do they?
Take care of yourself

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