Feeling so guilty & just sad every day

My little sister (baby of the bunch there’s 8 of us) died suddenly on the 21/12/21 she had meningitis neither us of herself knew how poorly she was & lost consciousnes quickly after arriving at hospital & was brain stem dead we kept her alive till the next afternoon when we signed to donate her organs . My Mam has vascular dementia so didn’t understand enough to want to go & say goodbye & I broke the news to her her baby was gone. My sister had 2 kids a toddler & teenager the teen has moved in with her Dad & my amazing other little sister is raising her son. I caught covid on the 4th of January her funeral was on the 7th in a different country so I sat at home & watched it but feel so overwhelmed at not going to my own sisters funeral. Myself & younger sister have been so busy sorting things legally for our nephew but now that’s done I just don’t know what to do or how to feel normal again? Like adverts make me cry not a day goes by I don’t cry & I don’t know how to stop feeling so guilty & so so sad? Sorry for writing a book & thank you if you read this far!

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I’m sorry for your loss

Thank you very much I appreciate that I’m just trying but miserably failing to work through so many emotions. I hope you’re OK?

I’m sorry for your loss I feel your pain I lost my nan June this year & had the funeral last month but everyday just doesn’t feel right don’t think it ever get back to normal again always getting teary at everything & cry at night when going to bed just numb all the time ,

I’m so sorry for your loss it’s still v recent you lost your Nan so be gentle & kind to yourself. Thank you I really appreciate your kind words. I totally understand the crying not even sure why but today has just been a hard day for me so I walked & tried to keep busy but the tears just kept coming. I know people say it gets easier I genuinely don’t think it does my Dad died when I was 1&1/2 & truly to this day it’s not easy/easier for v different reasons :broken_heart: but we can only try our best each day I guess!

The other week I had to see the job centre & I ended up crying up eyes out as I had to tell them what’s being going on & im the type that keeps everything bottled up etc but I just can’t help but cry , I’ve had my mum tell me that things will get back to normal soon but she seems to have gotten over it within a few days of my nan going same with my aunt , I’ve had family die before but never felt like this with them I was always closer to my nan :disappointed:

You should try writing things down just anything how you feel what your thinking it just gets stuff out of your head cause if your anything like me my head can be the worst place such an over thinker! I can say I do find it slightly easier to talk about what happened to my sister now not easy at all but I don’t cry every time now. Maybe your Mum & Aunty are doing what alot of family members do being strong for everyone else but crying alone? You clearly had an amazing bond with your Nan hopefully in time that will help you all your memories you must have 1 day you will be able to think of her & not always cry but smile because you were so lucky she was your Nan

I was the one going to visit my nan in the care home & hospital as my mum didn’t want to go had to drag her down twice she only saw nan twice in those 4 months & she kept trying to stop me going but nan needed someone there even if it wasn’t everyday & I had to deal with the care home, hospital & the death certificate & funeral service etc as mum & aunt didn’t want to , I’ve started a memory box with what little stuff of my nans I could find as my mum got rid of everything & started writing a letter to nan on how I feel & put it in the box & even started going back to church as it somehow in a sense feels closer to her in a way & feel at peace for a few hours

I’m sorry not only that you went through that but that you went through that alone i know how rough it is sorting the death certificate & funeral & everything that goes along with it! As hard as it must have been I’m sure in years to come it might help you knowing for you & your Nan you did the right thing for both of you by not listening to your Mum. Hope you don’t mind me saying but it sounds like you had a closer relationship to your Nan than you fo your Mum? We made a memory box for my Mam with my sisters things in the hospital were amazing & let us do ink pictures using her thumb/finger prints to make a tree pic the finger prints were the leaves. I also cut a lock of her hair & put it in the box. I think it’s not the amount in the memory box but the fact it’s your memory box. Do you have people you can speak to about your Nan? Cause as difficult as it is speaking about my sister I will never not do it because I need to keep remembering her if that makes sense so just wondered if you have that another relative or friend you can when you feel like speak about your Nan? If not you could write down some of the amazing things about her or about things that remind you of her & put that in your memory box too?

There is no time limit to working through your greif we are all here for you but if you are getting intrusive thoughts In your head please seek help from a gp they will organise for you to talk to a greif counsellor

Hi I’m not having intrusive thoughts if I’m totally honest it’s more of a dread a panic kind of feeling I guess it’s anxiety & yesterday I just felt v weighed down with it so just walked for over an hour to help lift it, but thank you v much for your advice! I haven’t spoken to anyone about how I feel which is why I ended up here yesterday looking for an outlet I guess? I hope tour having a good day & thanks again for taking time out with your advice it’s appreciated

Your welcome take care of yourself and I’m always here if you need to chat

Thank you very much & the same for you I’m v good at listening so any time you need or want to chat feel free to message. You take care too x

I don’t have anyone to talk about my nan with only this board and a Facebook group , yes I had a closer relationship with my nan when I was younger me & my mum used to visit her everyday & stay over at the weekends & at hers every Christmas but when my uncle died & my grandad left & she had to move into a flat she spent Christmas with her new boyfriend & we didn’t visit everyday when I got older more once/twice a week been there when she was ill & made her go to the doctor to find out the painful stomach was Appendicitis & went to hospital & even got the last bus to hers on a Sunday just to give her some milk as she said she didn’t haven’t any only to find she did have milk, but she’s always been there it’s just hard to believe that she’s never gonna be there anymore I knew one day she would be going but not like this I thought it be old age in her sleep not dementia , heart failure & heart attack :frowning: & 4 months of being told, we still got the headstone to sort out & adult social care are still trying to get money out of us from her stay in the care home

I only really have my other little sister to speak to but it’s tricky as she lives far away & has alot on with work her kids & now my nephew so i totally understand & I’m always here if you want to talk drop me a message. Dementia is awful my Mam had vascular dementia & recently has gone into a care home so I understand about that too. The practical things are made so much harder while your stuck in grief aren’t they? You must have such lovely happy memories of your Nan before dementia hopefully in time they will be a sort of comfort to you

Thanks, she only got diagnosed in February when she went in for a uti & she was her normal self the day before then when in hospital she was like a different person like she couldn’t walk or sit up unaided & was really confused & talking about about things in the past that I didn’t know about & she assumed knew & wanted me to help her escape the hospital they said she had 6-12 months left to live but only made it to 4 months but died alone she didn’t get the care she needed , I did a blog on the Alzheimer’s society about my nan recently

My Mam gets lots of UTIs & ends up hospitalised from them too defo a dementia thing. Also like your Nan my Mam can talk for hrs about things we have no clue about but things that happened recently go from her memory so quickly. Must have been a shock having so little time although I doubt there is such a thing as enough time with a loved one. What an amazing way to honour & remember your Nan to write about her I think that’s v special!

Yeah she went quicker then we thought she wasn’t treated right in the care home which didn’t help her health etc & obviously shortened the time , if I could go back I would of been more louder ish & told the doctor she needs to go into a hospice not some stupid discharge to assess in a temporary care home miles away especially when she was end of life & there’s definitely no way she will be going back home she would of been better is a hospice , I’m doing the Alzheimer’s society memory walk for my nan next month

First of all amazing that you’re doing the walk in memory of your Nan she would be so proud of you :heart:. So hard ain’t it looking back having all the what ifs & whys? Has to be harder thinking you have more time & knowing your Nan didn’t get the best treatment that she clearly deserved. Would it help to complain or ask for her care or lack of to be looked into? Do you think it would help give you some sense of peace?

We’ve tried complaining to her social worker then that social worker left & she got a new social worker so we complained to that one but they don’t seem to care I even reported the care home to the cqc, just wish I gotten to see her one last time & told her I loved her , I wanted to see her that day just before she died but mum told me I couldn’t said she will hopefully be going back to the care home that day and I can see her the following week then 6 hours later we get the call to get down to the hospital that she’s not got long to go :frowning: and we get there after she’s passed