Feeling so lonely

It us only 9 weeks since my husband of 46!years list his 5 month fight to cancer . I have two married daughters who are very supportive . But I feel so alone even though I have really good friends too who are brilliant . I cry every day and the evenings are the worst. I usually end up going to bed to try and calm down and sleep so that my thoughts and regrets stop . Sleeping is just another hurdle and I am lucky if I get 3 or 4!hours a night . How can you ever come to terms with never seeing him again ? Never playing golf together again ? Never doing all the travelling together that we planned a year ago when we both retired together at 63 and 65 so we could do these things . I feel I am just going through the motions and don’t see the point in doing anything anymore . It will be our 47th anniversary in 4 weeks and I am dreading it. How do I cope ? I have never been on my own before as we met at 16 and 17 and got married 2 years later . To coin a phrase we were soulmates best friends really happy being with each other . This is such a big loss after such a traumatic 5 months of nursing him 24/7 and losing all hopes of remission .

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I do so feel for you and have been through everything you mention. I lost my husband of 50 years to cancer 9 months ago today and the pain never stops. Like you I have a wonderful family close by and many supportive friends, but the loneliness, especially in the evenings, is always there. But the grief will get less intense; it is buried deep now and I can live my life -horribly different though it is- without despair. Of course I still cry most days when I am overwhelmed by the realisation that I’ll never see him again, but I have learned to accept this into my life and think of it as an expression of my love for him. I have adopted a tree in my local gardens where he loved to go. I visit it frequently and this helps. Sending love xx

Dear Brimmers, I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain but there’s nothing, nothing I can say, nothing I can do. But I do understand, oh how I understand and feel your pain. There is no other pain like it. Who could imagine that anything could hurt this much? It’s been well over 2 years now since I lost my husband to a sudden cardiac arrest. Like your husband, he was 65 and just retired. He had so many plans and projects for our home, some of which I have continued with. The pain never goes away Brimmers but I have learned to live with it.

My loss, my grief is now a part of who I am . I never stop missing my husband and never will. The crying has subsided and I can laugh and sing again. I chat daily to him but the one thing which I think has truly helped me the most is my journal. I write to him and tell him about everyday stuff, how much I miss him, love him etc etc. I know others on this site do the same. I’m on my third book now and I have looked back at the earlier ones and I can see how far I’ve come. I don’t know how I’ve got here but I have and you will too. It’s very early days for you yet but you still have a beating heart and you’re still breathing so you can do this. I don’t mean to trivialise this thing called grief and it certainly ain’t easy so take it slowly, one step at a time and go with the flow because you cannot fight it. As you move along you will find that you fall in love with your husband more and more. How can that be? I loved my husband with all my heart when he was here but now, oh my goodness, the love I have is indescribable. It positively oozes from me with my heart fit to burst.

This journey is a long one, it’s a hard one, but you are not alone. Take comfort in knowing that we on this site are travelling it with you. We’ll be with you every step of the way because we are the ones who truly understand.

Sending you love xx

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Hi. Brimmers.
Nine weeks is no time at all. It’s a sad thing to say and may not be helpful, but any sort of peace from grief takes time. I am coming up to 11 months and I am seeing more of that light at the end of the tunnel.
When I was in around your time I too felt like giving in. What’s the point, we say, without our closest friend and mate.
As time passed I made some good friends on here. I also found that a lot of so called ‘friends’ dropped away, but I found some new ones who are understanding and kind.
You have come to the right place because no one here judges or criticises.
The pain remains, but I have learned to live with it and make a life for myself, although nothing will ever be the same.
Happy? Hardly, well not yet. I doubt I will ever be truly happy again, But I ask myself what my wife would have wanted for me and it would not be miserable.
We can only speak from our own experiences. Grief is very much an individual process. Yes, it is a process and a natural one, but that doesn’t stop it being painful.
I too have never been on my own before. From being a kid upwards I always lived in a home with people. For the first time I know what loneliness is. You can be surrounded by people all day then you are alone. It hurts! But you can also be alone in a crowd.
Please keep in touch. This is the best place possible to talk about how you feel. My heart goes out to you, and my Blessings. Take care.

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Hi Sheilam
Thank you for sending your message to me . I can’t imagine getting to the stage you are at but I realise you travelled the same road as I am just starting . I feel angry secretly with my girls sometimes as they have someone to hug them and don’t grieve like I do especially if I don’t hear from one of them on one day ! It makes me think they are over their dad although I know they really are missing him so much and do still feel his loss as they were both so very close to him I know my feelings are unreasonable . Fir the last five months of his life he suffered so much with chemo pain cancer spreading and put up with every type of treatment to try and go into remission . Our lives consisted of being inside the house garden except for clinic visits or hospital stays the whole time . I think this is the bit that I keep going back to how he was and our lives literally stopping during that time . Then on 7 July the day after my 65th birthday he had had enough and just lost his fight very agitated most of the day then for the last hour much calmer . I keep playing those pictures over and over again in my mind. I long to feel better but in another way feel this is disrespectful to him . How did you cope through those dark months ?

Hi
Your words and those of others mean so much to me and helps me to realise so many people are going through or have gone through the same things and feelings as me . It’s nice to be able to write my thoughts down without being judged

Hi
Thank you so much for talking to me about your experience and feelings . I can’t imagine being at the 11 month stage and moving further and further away from when I last saw him but life has to go on . You seem so strong but I know what you have gone through . I am sure like me you miss the chatting about the day or about our friends and that part is so hard for us especially silly in the evenings . It us do nice to have people to talk to as the girls can’t really understand my loss which is different to theirs.

Dear Brimmers
Once again everything you say strikes a chord with me. I am only too aware of people being in pairs and even feel jealous of my own sons. At the moment I am beginning to relive his last three months when he began to fade away and not be himself - he was always the most unselfish and loving man who spent most of his time while he was ill trying to conceal his pain from me. Every morning when I wake up I think about his last few weeks when I nursed him at home. At first I was full of guilt that I could have done some things better and I was selfish at times but you do get over the feelings of guilt; now I try to remember the lovely moments when he was ticking his little granddaughter and when he said loving words to me. It is unimaginable now for you that the pain will ever get less because he will never come back, which seems like the only thing that could ease your agony, but hang in there and you will find some sort of life in the end. I find it really helpful to write a journal most days as there are things you can’t say to anyone and it relieves your feelings to write them down. Good luck from your sister in grief. Xx

Hi I also lost my husband 5 weeks and 4 days ago. He went to work and died of a heart attack. I’m still in shock. Today I was supposed to have a cataract operation and was so upset I couldn’t go ahead. I’m also so lonely. My kids come home once or twice a week but that cannot continue. They need to get back to there lives.

Oh I am so sorry what a shock for you too . It is do hard trying to lead a normal life when your heart is breaking isn’t it ? I don’t normally share my feelings but hearing from other people will help us to realise what we are feeling is normal if that’s the right word !

I just had to reply to you Sheila as our journey has been so similar. I too nursed my husband at home, single handed. I wanted to give him as much dignity as possible as he was very distressed at the way he was deteriorating and needed so much care. He was constantly worried about me and the way I was working and said he was ruining my life. I told him he was my life. I am so proud of him. I too have suffered that guilt and still do sometimes that I might have done something different and been able to take away his pain. I write to him every day and can see how my moods change. Our grief is our bond.
Take care
Pat xxx

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Thank you for replying. It’s certainly a lonely road and only another widow understands. A year ago I was on holiday with Ken and two dear friends, but only two weeks after that a scan showed his lungs covered in white spots and he started to go downhill from there. He was supposed to go into a hospice but I knew he would much rather be at home. I had wonderful support from the district nurses but I’m not a nurse and had to learn how to care for him. I’m beginning to relive those last three months and I suppose this will continue until the first anniversary of his death. How long is it since you were bereaved? Keep in touch xx.

I lost him in |November but I don’t count, days, months it irrelevant. My loss is as raw now as it was the day I lost him, sometimes I feel it’s worse, I think I was in a daze those first weeks, in another world. It’s like being in a bubble, looking out at the world but not being able to communicate. I am learning to move forward and accept and live with the grief and some days are better than others. I look for that chink of light all the time now and do see it sometimes which is a blessing.
I relive those final months also and not sure when it will finish, I just take each day and try to make my life productive and interesting as possible. I don’t want to waste any of it. I still do the things we enjoyed together and make sure he is with me.
I looked after Brian with no help, this wasn’t what either of us wanted. The local hospice made sure we had all the equipment we needed. Instinct took over, I did my best. xxxx

Yes I was exactly the same - in a bubble for a month afterwards, but the day after the funeral was dreadful as I didn’t have the protection of arranging everything, seeing relatives etc. any more. Like you I try to be positive and keep busy; I am lucky to have wonderful family and friends nearby. But yes, it is still very raw and overwhelms me often. Would you like to keep in touch via email as this is a bit hit and miss. Xxx

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