Feeling so lost, alone, guilty, confused, heartbroken after losing my best friend, my mum

I lost my Mum at the end of February and I am not coping very well since. It was unexpected, the night she passed I was with her. She had been diagnosed with flu from her doctor a day before, that day she messaged me asking for me to let my auntie in to take her to the hospital because she wasn’t feeling very well. So I went straight over to her house. We spoke briefly and knew she wasn’t OK. I held her because she asked me too. She then sat back up on the bed and said she felt like she was dying. I remember saying jokingly “well don’t because I am about the ambulance to get you help because I can’t get you to the hospital on my own”. With that I went downstairs to call for help, whilst on the phone explaining her condition, I went back upstairs and she wasn’t breathing. I feel so guilty because I didn’t quite believe it. I then had to do chest compressions, when I started I could feel a very faint heartbeat but as the paramedics arrived I couldn’t feel it anymore. There was about 5 or 6 paramedics there for a few hours trying to help. Eventually my auntie and nan arrived but I was alone, I was the last person to see her, speak to her and hold her whilst she was alive and I don’t think that’s fair. On me or anyone else, which makes me feel so guilty and selfish. I am glad I was there but hate the fact it was me that keeps replaying that night. It was pneumonia that got her, if the doctor saw her the day before things maybe so different. This year would of been her 50th, my 30th. This is my first closest bereavement, I’ve been lucky to have to have never dealt with it before but now I am not dealing with it very well. I am currently off work awaiting counselling but feel like I’ve been on the waiting list for ages.
Along with this my partners mother is also very unwell and only been given a few months to live, which scares me so much watching her slowly die and breaks my heart that my partner has to go through all these feelings. Aswel as if we start a family like we plan to our children will not have a nan and that really upsets me.
Lastly my sister and nephew (only blood relations in Cornwall) have moved away so I cannot explain how lonely I feel.
I want to turn to my partner but because of what he’s going through I can’t. He gets very upset and angry with me.
Life just seems very unfair this year, I thought in January when my partners mum was diagnosed things couldn’t get much worse but they really really did and now I am so scared and confused.
My mum was my best friend, I turned to her for everything, I hate the fact I cannot talk to her about her I’m feeling, I am terrified of how I’m feeling.

Hi Jacquelyn

I am so sorry to read about your Mother. What a terrible thing for you when you and she didn’t realise just how ill she was. You must feel no guilt at all, you were with your Mum, you held her as she asked you to and you called for help. You also tried to keep your Mum alive until the help arrived. That to me sounds marvellous and the actions of a very loving daughter. Your auntie and Nan know this too that their sister and daughter was not on her own.

It is a very frightening thing seeing the paramedics doing their work. I saw this with my Dad when he had a heart attack and it certainly is not how it looks in programmes like Casualty. I was 32 when my Dad passed away so not much older than you are. I was devastated as I am sure you are. It is all very frightening and one moment you feel like a young child again and the other know you have to be a grown up and try and deal with it all. I was lucky because I had my wonderful Mum to help me through those times. Her strength and kindness was everything to me though sadly I have now lost her too.

You also have the sadness of your partner’s Mum being so ill to deal with. You must be exhausted so take care of yourself and your partner. Ask for help from doctors if you need it and if anyone else such as friends offers help, take it!

I never knew either of my Grandfathers as one passed away before I was born and the other not long after. It does make me sad as they sound super people. However I carry part of them in me as they made my parents as they made me. Your children when they are born will be the same. You can talk about about your Mum, their Nan to them and keep her memory alive in that way.


Thank you for your message Mel.
I am very low at the moment and struggling to come to turns with everything that has and is happening. I have to go back to work next week though not wanting too but have got to earn some money.
Me and my partner will definitely talk about our mother’s as they have both been massive influences on our lives.