I lost my soul mate on the 1st October after a real short illness which we thought he was going to recover from. I was in constant contact with the hospital in the few hours I was away from him, but when they rang me to say he was deteriorating I rushed to be with him but I wasn’t on time and for that I feel so guilty that he was on his own.
I feel so lost and lonely. I do have lovely family and friends but most of them are so far away from me. I try and put on my happy voice whenever someone calls me, but inside I am breaking.
I just cannot see how I can move on, we were together 24/7 and done everything together. He was only 51 a few days before he passed and it just all seems to unfair. I can’t eat or sleep and I just drag myself through each day. It is just so painful, people have been kind and friends who are around me ask me to go out but I just can’t bear the thought of going out on my own, especially with couples. does that sound wrong of me ?
Hello @Jane25. I am truly sorry for your loss. Just being on this forum and knowing you are not alone can be a huge comfort. Knowing people understand and can really know how you’re feeling because we feel, or have felt, the same. You really are in the raw stages of grief and it hurts physically, mentally and emotionally. There is no pain like it. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Go with it - cry when you need to, shout, scream, anything. I used to scream at the top of my voice when I was driving. Strangely it helped, even if only for a short time.
I’m almost four and a half years on now from my husband dying very suddenly. I can tell you that we don’t move on but we do move forward and our grief moves forward with us. There will come a time when you are looking at a photo and you will get a smile before a tear. Sometimes I look at photos now and I burst out laughing, remembering the time it was taken. It will come, I promise you, but be patient, allow yourself to grieve.
My biggest coping strategy and I have a few, must be my journal. I write to my husband and tell him what’s been going on, how I’m feeling, anything really. I no longer write everyday but probably once or twice a week or more if I have something I need to tell him. There are times I rush for my journal because there’s something I need to say before I forget.
I read so many books in the early stages of my grief and it helped to know that how I was feeling was perfectly normal. I know I will grieve for the rest of my life and I accept that. My grief is now a part of who I am but it does not define me. Someone once described it as being ‘another chapter in my book.’ The ‘book’ is still ongoing and I hope for a happy ending where we reunite.
Hi Jane so sorry to hear you’ve lost your partner so recently and too soon. My partner died unexpectedly 3 months ago just 5 days before his 51st birthday. He had been in hospital for 4 weeks but we didn’t expect his life to end. I was so angry for several weeks with him, his family the world. Then tears and guilt - no sleep- after a month I just couldn’t cope and went to bed for a week. And then I started to feel better and went out several times socially- this was initially good but then I started to miss him being with me and didn’t want to see people. I really push myself to visit people now - sometimes it’s good, often I leave feeling worse and missing him so much. Yesterday I virtually ran from a friends house and cried most of the drive home. The tears just come on unexpectedly- I often don’t realise I’m crying till
they hit my mouth. I know all this is normal and do talk about him to people even tho I feel often it causes them some embarrassment; however, spiritually he is still with me all day everyday and gradually the horror of his death is subsiding and I think more about the good times we had together. Crucially I keep reminding myself that he knew I loved him even tho i wasn’t with him when he died and I know I did the best I could for him while he was alive. The pain is lessening and I’m sure yours will too. The sun will shine, you’ll laugh at a joke and small steps to happiness will happen. I hope you can keep strong and remember to take care of yourself because that is what he would want.
Thank you so much, @Crazy_Kate I miss being able to tell him everything so maybe I will start a journal too. Its just so hard, I have his photos around me, but I can’t even look at them as it hurts so much, but I hope one day I can look at them and smile. Take care , thanks for reaching out to me xx
Thank you @Mand3. Today is not a good day and I can’t see any future without him. I just want to run away, but where will I go it won’t take away the pain.
I feel like I should be stronger, Scott wouldn’t want me to be like this, but I just don’t have any strength. I’m so exhausted but I can’t sleep, can’t eat and just feel so desperate. But I know you know how I feel as does everyone on here and we all have to carry on even though it feels like we don’t want to.
‘I just want to run away’. How often I have thought that Jane, even now after 4 years, I still need that time alone. Alone with my thoughts and David.
Try the journalling; I think you’ll be surprised at just how much it helps. Oh and I think Scott would understand how you’re feeling and I also think he would want you to grieve for him and be a bit sad, but just not forever. In fact and in all honesty, I think my David would be rather annoyed if I wasn’t longing for him. But I can do that as well as coming to know a certain contentment and even happiness.
Jane and Kate - yes I keep a diary too - each night I summarise the day and list the next days must dos ( often not done) and it’s all addressed to Russ as if I’m chatting to him. It is a tearful comfort to do this and I like to believe he can hear me, writing down happy memories helps too