It’s nearly 20 months from losing my
Husband of 38 years. He was only 58 and he died of a cardiac arrest one night in the middle of nowhere, I had to lead a search for him. That night haunts me, he was out there hours on his own.
The pain is still so raw and I am struggling to find a reason to carry on. My grown up children do not live close. I still cannot admit what has happened and I feel so pathetic. Everything hurts 
You are not pathetic. You are in grief. That must have been horrible, you having to look for your husband. Every day is hard learning to try and live on are own. I’m 8 months on this crap path,and sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards. This path is not straight, i like the saying it’s like a bowl of spaghetti all over the place. Please keep posting if it helps. Take care and look after yourself.
@Geebee1
I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack he was 10 years older than me he was 65 , it happened at my feet , 17 months ago. My only comfort was he knew nothing he passed out before he took the heart attack, and I know someone else said the same . The paramedics did manage to restart his heart but the damage was already done , then spent two cruel days in ICU watching his organs fail as he had been starved of oxygen for too long , I had to watch him die again when they turned the life support off !
He never regained consciousness from the moment he passed out he knew nothing !
That is my only comfort , I miss him terribly, utterly heart broken x
It’s so cruel isn’t it and I feel your pain, he was too young and you are too young to be widowed.
There is never a plan for after as we never think that we will need one.
S ending love hugs and prayers and thank you for reaching out, it is appreciated. It is a very lonely existence 
Thank you for your kindness. Life is too hard without him. I can do the practical things but it’s the things that matter that I can’t face. I really appreciate your reply xx
My husband was fifty eight too.
I got up one morning to go to work, he was sat in his chair, I thought he was asleep.
That vision will never leave me.
The shock was/ is immense. He wasn’t unwell, he wasn’t on any medication, nothing prepares you for such a massive shock.
Mine and my children’s lives have been shattered, we are all struggling.
I feel your pain, and send you my love xxx
Thank you for sharing and reaching out. Sending so much love and many prayers. The pain is just indescribable isn’t it 
off the planet. Our daughters are starting to turn the corner a little bit.
They were too young and were cheated from life.
It’s just hard to carry on xx
@Flints
So sorry to hear of your trauma , even after 19 months I play that moment over when he fell at my feet in our
living room. He was 65 and I was 56.
Do you feel robbed .?
I do still , but we only had 19 months of marriage after 24 years together people say “oh but you must think of the good times you had “ and yes I am great full for that but still feel robbed of what we should be having now !
Can I ask do you find the sudden death hard to accept ?
I know of people who knew their partner was dying , and ok it was maybe only years or months or weeks but they still knew it was going to happen, and I get it their loss is just the same , but to wake up one morning thinking it was a normal day like us then BANG ! It’s still taking me time to process it happened , it’s a sudden trauma that I am finding hard still x
Hello Jane
Yes, I do feel robbed, and just as yourself, the trauma is hard to process, it seems surreal at times, as if I am in another world, just trudging through time without any hope.
As you say, we had no time to plan, I for one, thought me and Mark had many years in front of us, how cruel to have it ripped away, no chance to say goodbye, or plan for a life without him.
I send you my love, and hope that we both can find some comfort somehow, through the lonely days ahead.
Take care xxx
I think every death has its trauma tbh. If you are caring for that person who is poorly then that is hard watching them go through it. However it gives you some time to say all the things you want to say. Well some of them, there is never enough time.
Losing your life partner so suddenly gives you no adjustment and so yes in a lot of ways it is harder and the initial raw grief is longer. My husband, due to the circumstances, I was not allowed to see for a week. That has also caused me a lot of pain. No death is good and we will all feel ours is the worst because that’s human.
I am off work again due to my work environment which triggers my night of searching for him.
He died in a beautiful place and not in a hospital but yes I would rather have had the opportunity to live and care for him, even an hour I will never know if he died without pain or what time or how many hours he was out there. I beat myself up constantly for not coping but even I can see that I am making small steps now.
I have a friend who only had 3 weeks ‘notice’ for not having a better word for
It. And she said she would take that over what I am going through any day. Her husband was only 48, so very sad.
David was cheated which makes me angry and guilty all at the same time. He was a good kind man and did so much for so many.
I would definitely have loved the honour to care for him and hold him over this pain for sure.
Love and prayers to you and send me a message if you want to chat. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t tbh. Basically it’s all rubbish and so very painful xx
I’m sorry for your loss and the awful shock you have had to bear
I lost a partner many years ago to cardiac arrest and I felt so guilty not insisting he went to the hospital the week before but the paramedics let him have his own way
With my darling husband we were told a few weeks before
I know it added to his pain knowing he would leave me grieving
Even when you know nothing nothing can ever prepare you
It’s a hard and long road as far as I can see
I feel this site is part of my reassurance that I’m not alone in all the rubbish stuff that’s in my head
I need to add a great big dollop of his fighting spirit to bolster up my
Pathetic self
I hope there are some things to smile at for you all todayxx
@Flints
I agree the shock is immense, like your husband my 63 year old partner was not ill , was taking no medication , was fit and healthy and just passed in a moment as a passenger in my car. I thought he had passed out as he just stopped talking to me on our journey, then the realisation that he could be dead (and actually was) is something that i will never get over as long as i live. The death was recorded as SADS as the coroner literally could not find a cause of death .
Life is hard without my spouse, too. I manage the everyday things, house, yard, bills, etc., but the emotional toll I think is the hardest. Wishing you some peace in your life.
It’s something that will stay with us forever, a tragic way for us to lose our partners. It was disbelief at first for me too, and the realisation was too hard to comprehend.
Still after eight months, I cannot really believe it.
Oh bless you, such a massive shock. They say you learn to live with it and realise the immense pain is due to the love you have for each other. I struggle, as I am sure you do, with that. I realise I was in shock for at least a year. They were too young. Sending hugs xx
The every day things, yep, I can do those but they all seem so pointless don’t they. There doesn’t seem any point to anything any more. Maybe one day there may be a point.
And the amount of people who tell me you are 55 and too young to be on your own……I know they are trying to be kind but seriously 
You will still be in shock, you may not realise it but you will be. Sadly it does not get much easier but we are all different and your grief will be different to anyone else’s. I hope you have a couple of people around you that you can confide in as that has helped me. I am not good at sharing my inner thoughts and feelings but I did and it has helped.
It’s just beyond hard, go on each hour, that’s what I do. That’s all I can cope with. Most of the time I want to scream, most of the time I just cry.
All here for you xx
The things that get me through, are firstly my two grown up children that live here with me, and secondly, my Grandmother was widowed unexpectedly, and she carried on for another 26 years and my Mum made it 18 years after my Dad went. When I feel sorry for myself, I remember there are so many people in my position.
That being said, Mark was too young, and I feel angry that he was such a good man, and was taken from us without any warning, and so suddenly, it tears at my heart xx
@Flints
I know what you mean about feeling sorry for ourselves and having to think there are others in the same boat.
I like you feel so angry Kev was taken so suddenly without any warning whatsoever, a fit healthy man on no medication gone just so quickly. I miss him so much as you do your Mark.
Take care x
Thank you, you take care too, sending love xxx