I thought I was coping with this but I feel so bad today.I haven’t spoken to anyone for 5 days and I think I’m going crazy.I keep talking to Rob but there’s no answers.Anyone out there who wants a chat?
Hi Jill,
5 days Is a very long time to go without speaking to anyone! i hope it’s ok to post this here, I don’t want to cause offence or look like I am promoting other charities but…since my mum died I too have been terribly lonely, I have gone from calling/txting/annoying someone every day to nothing. Anyway, I signed up to a befriending telephone service and now once a week - I phone a 72 year old gentleman. He lost his wife recently and now goes days without speaking to anyone. All I do is basically ring once a week and we have a lovely chat, he tells me stories about his wife, his dog, his day…anything really! And even though the charity is designed to benefit him, I too get a great deal of comfort out of it 
I can message you their details if you wish? Just a thought, if you wanted a chat with someone about anything and anyone they will put you in touch with a volunteer who can call you once a week xxx
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Hi Gill, I hope you are ok- I am feeling very sad too- I hate it when it gets dark It feels so oppressive and bleak. I miss my daughter so very much it’s the worst torture ever. im sorry for your loss. It seems so unfair that you are so alone in having to deal with it.
Love and hugs to you xx
I was just having a moment that’s all.Mostly I have good days but I am living here on my own because my family are so far away.It’s early days for me yet so I have to persevere with this.Thanks
sorry to hear this Jill,hope you get some one to chat to.id offer but id probably depress you even more as im certainly not coping,i sit in my bedroom most days go out get food etc and dont make chat with anyone if I can avoid it.but do have a friend Karen and Dave I have the odd chat to.
regards
ian x
Hi Jill.You know I will always have a chat with you. I’ve been busy all day and just sat down so I logged on. Haven’t even had any tea yet so must have known you wanted a chat.
Your not going crazy love, your just suffering those terrible grief pangs and they are so cruel. I call it the ‘grief monster’. I’m afraid it’s like riding a wave. Some knock you over and others you can paddle through. Don’t fight the bad days, it’s hard but you do come to accept them.
Keep talking to Rob, I talk to Brian all the time, even today in Lidl’s. What brought that on I have no idea but as I walked around I found myself saying things and I just don’t know why I was suddenly saying them. I wasn’t even thinking about Brian at the time Of course I was either speaking in my head or saying things very quietly so that I wouldn’t find myself being locked away. I was asking him why he had left me to carry on with life on my own and why if he loved me didn’t he do something to help me. Brian wasn’t the sort to make a fuss about things and I can imagine him saying “You seem to be doing all right on your own”. The need to talk to him went as quickly as it had come but I always think of these weird moments as a sign. Keep looking for these signs, talk to Rob, he’s still very much a part of your life. They don’t go away, at least that’s what I’ve found. Brian is still a big part of my life. My walking, he comes with me, working on the allotment he’s there watching and probably having a moan at the way I’m doing things. I still say he gives me a warning about touching his tools in the shed because I really do struggle to go in there. Apart from tidying in the early days I probably haven’t been in there above a couple of times all through the summer. Some force keeps me out and I’m sure it’s Brian, he hated me messing about with his things.
Talking to people can be difficult but having my dogs to go for a walk with makes it so much easier to meet up with people for a chat fortunately I’m not a shy person. This keeps me happy as I haven’t felt the need to have people around me all the time. and becoming accustomed to my own company. When I go out with the dogs I wave to people and say good morning to total strangers with a big smile, even if I feel like bawling my head off. This alone acts as pick me up.
If you feel the need for human interaction then you must be brave and make a move in that direction. Look for something that will interest you. I have lost count of the local charities that have asked me to join them. However I keep busy with our allotments, I have a huge piece of ground to grow on and it takes hard work now that I am alone. I walk for miles and both is a form of therapy for me.
Dig deep Jill, it’s early days, we are all tested to the very limit and you know there are people here who will listen. I will send you a private message soon.
Love Pat xxxxx
Thanks Ian.I will be OK but after coming through the numb phase,the reality is hitting me now.I think because I was full time carer to Rob,I don’t know what to do with myself.I’m OK Monday to Friday but the weekends are awful.I miss baking cakes.I don’t bother because I never ate them and I can’t get used to cooking for one.
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Thanks Pat.I gave him a good talking to today.The cats must think I’m mad!They have taken to sleeping on my bed all night,bless them.I did plan on going out today but I was waiting for a delivery.Next week is fairly busy,so it will take my mind off things for a while.Jill x
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hi Jill
i wouldnt say no to having a cake baked for me.i used to cook for me and Jayne roast dinners,i cannot be bothered now at all.mostly I have beans or chuck a few pasties in the over to warm through.Jayne used to love the stews I made cant be bothered make them either.
I’ve been thinking do you have a local hospice as they have group meetings that might help you. I go sometimes and it helped me as I found myself not coping with groups of people, this just wasn’t like me. Brian didn’t go into the hospice so if there is one near you it might help. they also have classes that might be of interest. Ours have handicraft classes but this isn’t for me, useless with a needle. Might interest you though.
The weekends don’t bother me it’s just another day. I get up early catch a bus and take the dogs off to somewhere different. We have been on three buses today and had a lovely walk. It would be so easy for me to stay in bed and not bother to move the way I feel when I wake up but dogs say no, and I’m so pleased they motivate me to move. Pity your cats don’t want to go for a walk. I understand that walking is not for or possible for everyone but walking and my love of nature has kept me sane this past year. Just a brisk walk locally or in a park can make a difference.
Good luck
Pat
Hi Jill. Sorry you are having a rough time. Your reply to my comment this morning was so kind. I hope you are feeling a little better now and that tomorrow will be better again. I have been lucky today to spend time with one of my daughters. Had our hair done, coffee and a snack out and then visited the grave to put a Christmas wreath on. Since then we have sorted out the donations made in my husband’s memory and written letters to the charities…not all pleasant jobs but glad to have done them. I am finding that if I can tick jobs off the list in my head every day it gives me some sense of accomplishment and I feel a bit better in myself. Thinking of you and here for a chat if you want me. Hugs. x
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We loved stew and dumplings.My neighbour told me to make one and eat it over a few days but I can’t bring myself to make it.Maybe a few months down the line.
There will always be days like this.I just don’t like weekends any more.Perhaps I need to keep busy at these times.I’m a newbie at this! Thanks x
Hi,Pat.The park would be impossible at the moment because it was Robs favourite place.I don’t live anywhere near a hospice without catching 3 buses.It’s fairly rural where I live.I think I might go up to our indoor bowls club next week.We were members for 6 years until Robs disability forced him to give up.I can use the library at the same time.They might have some info on activities
Me too Jill. Neither of us want to be here at all and yes we are both new to this. We will get through! Promise. X
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Thanks,that helps a lot.It was just a wobble,not the first and won’t be the last but I get through it every time.I need to keep busy at the weekend.x
I have realised that my worst days are Thursday and Friday. If someone is here at the weekend that tides me through the first part of the week. Just need to plan visits, walks, shopping trips etc for the end of the week maybe. Takes a while to recognise and adjust to a new routine I suppose. Ann x
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Hi Jill, Can see that the park might bring back memories but it could prove to be bitter sweet in time and you will remember your husband and the pleasure it brought to him, sit on a bench and think of him.
Brian and I were Ramblers and walked together and in groups, in this country and abroad. He was a walk leader with the Ramblers and we walked extensively on the Island which is known for it’s walking countryside. To start going out walking again without him was going to be so hard. Every path and track I went on was a reminder. One of Brian’s request was that I took him on all my walks, he knew that I would want to continue. I had been a walker before I met Brian so was used to going out on my own. The first few walks and returning to the Ramblers were tearful but now I can do them and remember with pleasant memories. He is with me, of that I am certain. Going abroad to walk will not happen though. Could I walk those mountain paths without him, I don’t think so.
Good idea about the bowls club and the library, it will be a start They usually have a file on local activities. I did look but I am pretty busy with the allotments/garden and some voluntary gardening I do occasionally and of course the walks. Brian used to ask me if there was a chance that I could keep still for a moment.
I never felt the need to have people around me all the time, in fact I sometimes like being solitary and never wanted to rely on other people for company. I am coming out of this phase slowly but will let life find me…
Pat
Hello,
I’ve been off line for sometime but would really like to get back in contact with Romy, if you’re out there
Hi I completely understand how you are feeling It is so lonely sometimes I think I’m going mad. We must try and get out as the four walls seem to make you feel even worse. I have been alone 3and a half years now after 30 years together but had a breakdown a few weeks ago after running myself into the ground with helping my children and running around all day as I didn’t want to think. Now this loneliness is back with a vengeance nothing seems to help. I pray I can get through this and you too.