Feeling so much anger after my Dad passing away

I lost my Dad back in December 2019 to Bowel Cancer, I was 16. The doctors misdiagnosed him which meant it was caught late and ended up spreading to his liver, he was 62 when he passed.

Fast forward to 2024 now and I’ve only just realised I don’t think I ever grieved properly. When he died it was just before COVID and I got poorly with glandular fever which wiped me out for weeks and even in that time it never clicked in my head that he was actually gone, then COVID happen and even still you would think all that time being trapped in the house you would grieve and think about your Dad etc but I never did. I just got on with it but now I’ve realised that in that time all this anger has built up and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m youngest of 3, I’ve got 2 older brothers and in my family it was my brothers would always go to my Mum and then I was my Daddy’s little girl so he would be my person but now that he’s gone I feel like I’ve not got that person anymore.

I took the role of being the 3rd parent essentially, my older brother moved out and my middle brother works in hospitality so he always had ridiculous shifts and was never home so never had to do anything. I was left to pretty much do it all, my mum still pays the house bills etc but the shopping, cleaning, presents, organising was all me and still is me.

When my Dad did pass away, me and my Mum had been there since 8am in the morning as we had the call in the night that he had deteriorated so we went straight to Christie’s. My older brother didn’t come till lunchtime and my middle brother was in Amsterdam on a lads holiday! Anyway, my middle brother ended up getting a last min flight and came at about 8:30pm and my eldest brother was still there with us, he was complaining he was tired and we all knew my Dad didn’t have long left so he left and 10 mins later he passed away. That to me just shows how selfish he is, and I know people might say that’s his way of dealing with it but it might be true but in my head I can’t see it any other way.

After he died, my older brother said he would help us and take the responsibility etc, bearing in mind he was 23. He did the complete opposite and ran and left me and my Mum, my middle brother was working all the time so I couldn’t be mad at him.

So at the age of 16 I essentially stepped up into that role. During the past 4 years, my older brother lashed out in numerous ways by kicking off at me, smoking weed constantly, basically stealing money of my Mum despite on his instagram he claims he has 6 figures worth of properties (he is in properties as a career) and the list goes on.

It went on for years and years and the anger built up, even for my Mum because I begged and begged her to say something and it was like she was scared of him.

Here I am now, in this position where I could name more stuff but it would take me hours to write it all down! I don’t know how to deal with it and I feel like I need another perspective on this.

Thank you xx

1 Like

Hello @miak ,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your father that brings you here. You say you feel as if you are angry and have not allowed yourself to grieve for your Dad, being so young when he passed and having such responsibilities must have been so very difficult for you.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

You may also find the following of interest: Winston’s Wish who provides grief and bereavement support for children and young people (up to 25) after the death of someone important. They have a helpline that you can call free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays. They also have a live chat feature on their website.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

Hi Miak,

So sorry for what you have gone through and are still going through. I know how you feel about siblings. One of mine only seems to take, and rarely gives. Family dynamics can be really tricky.