Feeling SOOOOOO lonely

It has been just over one year ago that my wife, who was my sol mate, my best friend and all round perfect lady for me, passed away from a sudden and aggressive form of cancer.
I’ve been struggling to get through each day the best I could, bumbling from one emotional disaster to another. On the whole, I thought I had managed to learn to live with the loss the best way I could and was starting to feel I could learn to build my life back up. Building a new life from the wreckage of the old. But one thing that seems to be getting worse is the feeling of complete lonliness in the evenings after I get home from work.
I am SOOOOO incredibly lonely! I have no one to speak to (all my friends ran for cover when she passed last year and they are now literally unreachable). I have one female friend I still speak to, but I seem to spend all my time listening to her and her problems. I really miss the touch of a woman’s hand, the feeling of security of a gentle hug, the soothing tones of a woman’s voice telling me that I’m loved and appreciated and apologies if this sounds crude, but I really miss the passion of a relationship. The physical intimacy.
I have been in my job for some time, and every lady seems to be attached. So I tried the online dating scene. I thought that I was developing a much needed relationship with a woman I started to have serious feelings for. It wasn’t grief or anything negative, but I felt genuinely happy. But after speaking purely by texts for 8 months, we only met once and that was a couple of months ago. She instigated meeting. We met at her house and SHE pulled my hand and let me upstairs. And it was perfect.
But after that night, our budding romance went back to just pure texting. It wasn’t because of guilt on my part. In fact, my feelings grew even more for this lady and she said her feelings were mutual and she even shared my hopes of building a future together, However, I started to tell her that in order for our romance to develop, we needed to start meeting more often than just once every 8 months. And I made it clear that it was not just for sex. But walks in public, coffee, meals out, cinema, bowling, ANYTHING! But to no avail.
My friend (and even neighbours) were saying that she was blowing extremely hot and equally cold all the time and that the relationship was not developing, despite her claims she felt equally as strong as me. I ignored their advice and kept up my efforts to try and build on the possible romance. But the time came when I had to take the choice of saying that we couldn’t possibly just have a text relationship. And now the dream is now a surreal nightmare. I lost my wife over a year ago and now I have lost my only sign of happiness.
I manage to find things to do at work and make it through each day as best I can, but when the darkness falls and I return back to my home alone, the demons come again stronger than ever. I feel I have lost my whole purpose. I crave affection and I desperately need it and feel SO rejected. I’m living on the online dating sites, but nothing. I have recently had serious thoughts of suicide and at least self harming.

Hi @Chris4

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, and how lonely you’re feeling right now. I’m sure many of our members can relate.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

I’m not sure if you’ve had any bereavement counselling, but if it’s something you think might be helpful, we have free counselling. Sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

You deserve care and support so please, @Chris4 , get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,
Seaneen

you may be seeking too soon. one year is not long at all.

I think you should complete your grieving. then maybe date. you are too raw, perhaps.

I know men get back in the saddle faster … but maybe that is not the best idea. you are reeling on top of the grief … no fun at all. also … who in the heck wants a digital relationship! that is just awful.

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I have one female friend I still speak to, but I seem to spend all my time listening to her and her problems.

I have this too. beats no call at all … I find online dating sad. I met some nice people at the local astronomy club and things of that nature. the lunch bunch at church. even a pub. people are more and more weird, these days. makes life harder and lonelier than in the past.

sometimes with the opposite sex you have to play it cool. I also think that when it is right, it is right. maybe she just was not really the right one.

morning mate, how old are you by the way?

My biggest fear is loneliness, ive a great bunch of friends though who won’t allow me to be lonely, ive 3 sons 2 of which have their lives but I’m reaching out to them to not allow me to be lonely.
The only person who can help you through this is you I’m afraid .
People will say slow down , yet we are all different and men do jump back in earlier , sometimes we need that touch , the mother figure? Maybe that’s the wrong thing to do , maybe let it happen off line , maybe it will never happen? Is that what you are scared of? No woman in your life again?
Loneliness is my biggest fear so I’m very much with you on that but my wife wants me to be happy , my wife wants me to find love again ……trouble I have with that is someone living up to my Mandy , not gonna happen but then again who knows? I remember the suffering my wife went through and it brings my thoughts back to her not my fears then I realise I’m the lucky one mate .

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