My dad was 67 and was diagnosed with cancer in his sinuses which spread to his brain which caused him to have a stroke.
I spent the last 4 days before he died with him in the hospital and it has traumatized me because I feel I gave up on him because I signed a DNR on his behalf.
This haunts me to the point I can’t bring myself to let go of his ashes and spread them where he asked me to.
Not sure what to do.
Hello Sheila. Your post is so timely as I have been sobbing my heart out for two days over this DNR business and the thought that my Husband would have been asked to sign this on his own and may well have been frightened about it or misunderstood. I’m like a dog with a bone and once I start worrying about my Husband in his final weeks the more distraught I become even at 15 months or so. Kindest wishes to you and everyone on this thread.
I was horrified when doctors persuaded my husband to sign the DNR form after he was admitted to hospital following an accident. I sat with him as he died and felt so angry that nothing could be done to save him. However, at the inquest the Coroner told me that a post mortem had shown multiple issues and that, had he survived, my husband would have been totally disabled with no quality of life at all. So, when I am feeling really down, I think of how dreadful that would have been for him. So please don’t beat yourself up about signing that form. You did what you thought was best. I just wish that we hadn’t decided to go shopping on that fateful day when he fell on an escalator. Now I am hoping that longer days and warmer weather will lift this terrible depression I am going through, and likewise for everyone out there who is going through the same. Warm regards. Eileen xx
Hi Shana276
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad you did not give up on your dad you allowed someone you loved dearly to pass with out distress or pain that takes a lot of courage.
When my husband was in hospital a doctor who was only in the hospital for 2 weeks from the mainland just to shadow my husbands doctor decided he would bring up the DNR with my husband on his own I was fit to burst .
I had gone for a coffee with my eldest son and when I came back in the room I could tell something was very wrong with my husband he looked so sad .
I asked what had happened and he told me what the doctor had said I was fit to burst till this point my husband had hope he would pull through.
I am a nurse I’ve worked in the nhs for 36 years and the ward my husband was in is next to my ward so I New the staff and the doctors very well .
I went and spoke to my husbands on doctor and said when the time comes I will be the one to take the decision on the DNR because I didn’t want my husband to be thinking about thinks like that I wanted him to keep the hope .
So when the time came I was the one who told the doctor I want him to have no distress and he didn’t he was very settled he smiled his beautiful smile he talked he laughed he New he was dying but never said it and I never said it to him .
I did think I had given up on him but that passed when I saw how settled he had been .
I’m sorry I’ve just went on and on I like you miss him every minute of the day and night my heart is broken the tears flow every day and I fell for everyone on this forum and I pray we all get some comfort from each other a hug to you all .
Lily
Thanks for your reply Sheila, I appreciate it.
Hello Eileen, Thanks for the reply and kind comments. I’m sending many compassionate thoughts as I read your posts and think how desperately hard it’s been, warmest regards.
I am crying reading your post. Mostly because it reflects exactly what I feel, but also because you seem so unhappy. I’m no expert, and I don’t know what your attitude to life was before you husband died. But your comment about nothing exciting you, does make me wonder whether you maybe have clinical depression as well as bereavement? As I feel the same, I don’t know the answer, but maybe Doctors’s, or counselling might help. This website offers a counselling service, that I am going to try. The only thing I would say, is that I believe how I feel about my husbands death, my children and grandchildren would feel if I died? And my husband tried so hard to live and enjoy life. So for them, I want to feel alive again. Sorry for rambling …
I don’t know if it helps, but had cusions, and teddies, made out of my husbands clothes and distributed them to family - children and step children - a travelling teddy, a work teddy, even a cushion made out of the shirt and waistcoat he wore to his daughters weddig. Having these helped me and my family …