my wife died last April after 45 years together. I have just in the last few days started messaging another widow on line. I made the mistake of mentioning to my adult step children that I was talking to someone who helped me cope with the loss and the fear and the feeling of being lost and adrift on a terrifying stormy monster filled sea. The reaction was pretty hostile. I tried to reassure that this was and would only (by mutual agreement) someone I could have a conversation with as a friend. I don’t have many friends and none of them are close so I’ve been really struggling and gone to a really dark place a couple of times. It seems that when they ask and I tell them I’m very lonely and feel very isolated they don’t hear it but when I say I’m talking to someone they hear I’m forgetting their mother, the woman at the centre of my universe for 45 years.
I can’t help but feel even more isolated and frightened of the future if I’m not allowed to have anyone to talk to. Am I being selfish here?
You don’t have to justify anything to anyone. Nobody knows how you feel or what your wife would have wanted for you now that she has passed.
Your children will of course be grieving in their own way, but losing your life partner is totally different from losing a parent.
I went for councilling which I never thought would help, but having somebody on the outside of my grief who didn’t know me at all really helped me open up to everybody else about what was going on in my head.
All you can do is try to explain that you are human and have feelings that you need to get out that you don’t want to burden your family with at the moment.
I hope they understand.
No you are not being selfish at all ! You talk to whoever you want and if the step kids dont like it hard lines ! How dare people try and control our lives. We been through enough misery !!! You do anything that makes you happy !!! I have a really lovely male friend who i see when i take my dog a walk, hes got a dog too … hes really lovely and i dunno if it will ever be more than friends but he makes me happy everytime i see him so i will carry on talking to him … we deserve all the happiness we can get ! We didnt ask to be left here alone - it was forced on us. Take care and enjoy your talks with your widow friend xx
Hiya. This makes me so cross. How dare they try to control who you are in contact with. I think it’s lovely that you can have a friend to share with. My gorgeous Alan was a widower when we met online ( I was divorced) and he had exactly this kind of reaction from his step daughters ( all adults with their own families). It got so hostile that he moved away and cut all contact. Ridiculous that it had to come to that. Obviously that was an extreme situation but he had to put his own happiness above pleasing others ( for once) and it was the right decision for him. My friends and family took him to their hearts immediately and when he said he’d had never known happiness like it I absolutely believed him. I’m sure that your situation won’t be anything like this but please don’t let the expectations of others affect your happiness. We only get the one life and we must choose to live it. Take care x
I dont think you are being selfish, but i do know how complicated things are with children.
Life goes on and nobody has the right to tell you how to live your life. They obviously think that you are replacing their mother.
Like the rest of us on here, you have been through a major trauma and i think the only way to get through this hell is to be good to ourselves. Each and every one of us has so much to offer.