Hi everyone,
It is fair to say I am feeling very overwhelmed, a lot has happened in the 5 years since my mom passed, (5 years this April,) if she had been here, she would of supported me through it, & I’ve no doubt things would of been very different 
.
My previous issues with dad & the house are still ongoing, & I know there is nothing more I can do till something changes, I wish I had a safe way of moving away from his alcoholic, & pretentious delusions of grandeur. In Oct 2023, he wrote me out of his will maliciously because he had found a house he liked & at the time wanted to move into with his then girlfriend, I went through everything with housing options, basically I have no options, there is nothing I qualify for because I part own his house, don’t have the means to buy, so can’t move. Because I can’t move, meant he couldn’t sell the house 
, couldn’t buy the house he wanted, so he wrote me out of his will to get back at me 
. Sadly my only sibling is a completely psychotic 
who is only interested in lining her own pocket, which means when dad passes, she will no doubt make my life (or what’s left of it,) a living hell to force me to sell, even though I have no where else to go, & the money from the third I own (thanks to mom 
) would only be enough for a deposit 
.
I am now perimenopausal, so hormones all over the place, again if mom was here she would of supported me through this. I’m finding the brain fog very frustrating, for things to sometimes be familiar, or things I would normally know easily to be sooooooooooo hard to remember, is very hard to bear. I am having to write everything down, sometimes make notes on my phone, or message myself with stuff so that I don’t forget. This particularly gets complicated mentally speaking, I remember mom with the brain tumours, the way it affected her speech & memory, so this brings up bad memories.
& Then issues about kids, my only child died during pregnancy 19 years ago. At that time I was in my 20s, so I think everyone, including me, figured I would meet someone new, & in time have a family of my own in the future, but no, . My current partner can’t have kids. But yet I am having to watch other family members, getting all excited about their babies. My partner’s niece has just announced her pregnancy, & while I wish her every happiness, I am heartbroken that this will never be me 
. Feeling I am having to relive this heartache over & over. I hate having to put on the “I’m ok,” smilie face, when inside all I wanna do is scream at them, “HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS HEARTBREAK !!!”. For me, perimenopause signals the end of this chapter, but I’m left feeling yet another empty space in my life, & nothing is ever going to fill that, that empty space will always be there now.
Between everything I’m feeling very “what’s the point!” With everything, & the more I’m around people, the more I just feel sick of them. I’m feeling lost, alone, & without mom, no-one is there to help me 
.
